Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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A balance

PaulBunyan
PaulBunyan

I am in a relationship with a very independant woman.  I am in the codependency group after I realized that I had dependancy issues while in realtionships.  There has been great progress made with accepting myself for who I am and knowing and accepting these issues.  Sometimes I wish she was a little more outwardly affectionate to me, like texting more, or just physical touch.  How do I relay that message without sounding needy?  Or creating a pity party for myself and what I want?  Thanks!

Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
Gee, texting or reaching for her hand would be great. It what you call romance. She could be scared too. I am a very independent woman and sometimes I would have loved my ex to reach for my hand, leave me simple little notes. But he did not do that, He was cold and abusive. Go slowly and you will be fine.
Yard_Eggs
Yard_Eggs
I don't think you should tell her that you need HER to be more affectionate. But I think if you were to offer affection, hopefully she will come to reciprocate. But if she remains too aloof for your liking, she may not be a match for you.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I agree for you to be more romantic and see how it goes.... There's nothing at all wrong with reaching out for what you want..... Big hug.... Let us know how it goes?....xo
urbangardener
urbangardener
If you try to be romantic and she isn't interested, please know that this woman is not the way you want her to be. The codependent in you wants to change her. You can try to be more assertive and then watch her reaction. But you have to know that her lack of affection may simply be a lack of affection for you. Do not text her all the time. Let her miss you and allow her to initiate. Make sure that you have not picked a cold fish as part of your codependence. Our thinking sometimes goes, if I pick someone and get them to change for me, that means I am special or have value and worth. Its very convoluted and can be our way of controlling our life, our environment, because then we have validation that we are okay. That internal validation that we are okay has to come first. Good luck.
PaulBunyan
PaulBunyan
Thank you, and yes, it is clear that something was going on. We actually just broke up yesterday, but on good terms-no hostility, and had a very adult conversation about it. Yes I Have my issues, and she has hers, which actually came to light.
I think that being single now, I am going to just focus on me, which will be the first time in literally forever.
Everything you said is true, and I was just learning to have self validation and not worry about external validation. Which is something im used to. Heres to taking care of myself some more!!
Thanks all!
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