Healthy Relationships Support Group
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So, my boyfriend left early September for 10 months to do school. It's only suppose to be 10 months. A few months before, like back in April, he was saying he didn't want to be together while he was there because he only wanted to be focused on him. But then we grew closer and before he left he said he did want to try the long distance thing. But we haven't been able to reach an agreement on when we're talking to each other and seeing other and it's often lead into a lot of fights. So the other day he told that the he loves me but long distance thing wasn't working for him anymore and he wanted to be friends and when he was done with school he would have no problem giving this relationship another try. And we were messaging back and forth and it seems like the final agreement has come too me saying " we are considering this a break, as you originally wanted, to just focus on you, that way you're not obligated and pressured by when to text and make phone calls or to please your gf because that's easier for you? but this is not a definite break-up, t's just a break, we're not seeing other people or anything like that and we're picking up were we left off, a fresh start, come graduation when you're home to say" and his reply was "yes, that is exactly what I want, thank you for understanding." Should I for any reason think that he doesn't mean that? I mean, like I said, it is what he originally wanted and the LDR is just getting too much for him to handle and it has been pulling us apart. I've been seeing this as positive and that he does love me and wants to make this work. But I'm going back and forth with questions in my head of, does he really mean that? did he just read one sentence and just say ok yes? did he just say this to shut me up and to please me even if he doesn't mean it? I haven't been to talk to him on the phone over it, this has been through messages so it's hard to tell by tone. But, this is what he originally wanted and was the one who mentioned it again on the first place. Plus, he was answering me fairly quickly, which really shocked me because he doesn't usually. So, I'm hoping and I'm seeing that he does care and does mean it, but I wanted others opinions as well. I'm hoping that if he means it that it won't last the whole time, there's only 8 1/2 months left at this point, and regardless we weren't really going to be together until June anyway. It seems like the only difference is I definitely won't be depending on his phone calls every night, I have to suck it up and get use to him talking to me when he wants too and when he can. He has always been a person not very good with time management and organization, so it doesn't shock me that having a long distance relationship is harder on him right now. And I really don't think it's another girl there because he's an honest person, he's broken up with girls for others girl before and been honest, our relationship is still up on Facebook, so for some reason another girl is not in my mind at all. I just want to make sure that my gut is right about him agreeing with everything I said and that we will have a fresh start come 8 months from now. Thanks for the advice :)
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
Your arrangement really is no different than the old arrangement, only it means less talk time for you, and when it suits him. Can you honestly say you would be okay with this?
Secondly, texting. Texting is great for small, insignificant conversation like, 'What are you doing tonight', 'Do you want to go to a movie tonight', 'What's for dinner', 'Anything I can pick up', etc. Serious conversations, like how are we going to handle this long distance relationship, should not be conducted via texting, as one cannot express themselves in the same manner as the spoken voice.
It's clear that texting is more suitable for him because he doesn't want to get into the nitty gritty of it all, and because of this, it leaves you wondering, as you are, if he really means it. And the less he contacts you, the more you will wonder.
Often, when one has to go away to school, or work long distance, and the relationship is still new, you either attempt to connect on a regular-ish basis, and stay connected, or you say sayonara for now, and let's pick it up when you get back, if we're both in that frame of mind. But to try and accomodate his wishes, and meet your needs with the arrangement you have now, won't be satisfying.
I wish you well.
It's scary for things to change with our partners and it feels like we have no control. The only options I see here for you are to trust what he says, but prepare for anything, or end it outright if you feel that you don't want the ambiguity taking a break brings.
Me personally, I've never been into this this whole taking a break concept. Either we're together or we're not. But I do understand that in some cases, it's necessary because of obligations, like school or family issues, where the relationship creates more stress, especially if one person in the relationship needs a lot of contact.
So you may just need to see where things go and reassess in 8 months if you both are on the same page. You may find you both are. You may find he is not. You may even find you are not. I think I would try to focus less on trying to figure out all his intentions and just focus on you, trying to be healthy and whole during this phase of your relationship so that whatever ends up happening, you're poised to handle it with strength and confidence.
I can see it in the case of a marriage. A marriage is a legal binding contract.
But why are you making rules about calling and texting?
Shouldn't it just be about feelings and human emotion?
When one person feels like hearing another person's voice, They call.
When We see something that makes us think of someone... We call, we text.. we communicate..
It should be about feelings, not conditions and rules and silly agreements we make with ourselves about what a relationship should be..
When we "aren't feelin it" we know.
In my opinion the phrase.. " I need to focus on me" is code for.. every time I call you lately it feels like a chore and I only do it because you expect me to do it and I feel guilty and would like not to feel guilty so I'm making these new "rules" ..
anyway... I would go about my life and do what I "FEEL" like doing if I were you.
I wouldn't wait by the phone, but that's just me.
It sounds like it puts him in a power position, where he knows you are waiting for him, not seeing anyone else, and just biding your time until he "can be" together again.
Yes, LDR are work, but so are all relationships.
To be together-but-not-together just wouldn't work for me. I would not be content to put my life on hold for someone. Yes, he's busy. But, reality is that everyone is busy at every stage in life. Anyone can make an excuse: "I'm so busy with school. Now I'm so busy with my new career. Now I've worked here for years and I'm busy trying to get promoted. I have hobbies, I need to exercise, I have pets, I'm focusing on buying a house". Etc. So usually the "I'm too busy for this" line is an excuse that is code for, "I'm not into choosing to apply the time I do have onto this relationship." I would not be interested in sitting on someone's back burner, on the hope that he will come around and choose to make me a priority in a few months.
The other thing, and this is coming from someone who wound up divorced from a very good liar, is that some people just lie to avoid difficult conversations. Period. And NO ONE can say 100% for sure that they know their partner (or friend, child, parent, anyone) does not or would not lie to them. Trust me on this one. I was one of those women "oh, he NEVER lies to me. He's told the truth in other hard situations, so I know he'd NEVER lie." Nope, sorry, doesn't work that way. Everyone is capable of lying, and the more likely the truth would hurt someone or make for an uncomfortable conversation, the more tempting it is to lie if one thinks they can get away with it. So I'm sorry to say, but I would not necessarily believe that there is not another girl, or that he's not wanting to stay open in case another girl comes along.
I would take this time as a gift to focus on you. Not him. Explore things you like, make yourself happy. Don't be waiting for him, because if you do that and he flakes on you for any reason, you will have to start healing from square one. I'd look at it as a breakup, not a "hitting pause on the video." If it is meant to be, it will work out down the line. But it shouldn't be this hard, someone who wants you should reach out and take you, not allow you to set on a shelf waiting. You deserve more than to be someone's "later on" option.
(((HUGS)))
This is what you know today: he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now, that's clear. I don't think that's disputable. Call it a break, call it whatever you want. Like ShastaSue said, take this and run with it, doing what you want in your life. I mean, you don't want to be in a position where you're white-knuckling it for the next 8 months. This is where you can call the shots in your own life.
This is a pretty short amount of time... He's said he wants to concentrate on him for now however if you two are that close then I imagine he will come back seeking you... At the same time I would listen to his words and I would take care of you Mandi.... xo
Forget about him and build your own life.