Healthy Relationships Support Group
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So I met a guy online in December. On paper, he's everything I've been looking for for a very long time. In person, he's attractive, fit, takes care of himself, sense of humor, intelligent, chivalrous... We've been out a dozen times. It appears to me that he is very interested. Tells stories where he has clearly told friends and co-workers about me, that kind of stuff. Acts very interested in what's going on in my world.
So where's the problem? I'm just not feeling it. And it's a very strange feeling for me. As background, I'm early 50s, never married, no kids and a string of 1-4 year relationships. I usually fall hard and fast. But I recognize this is a pattern that has not served me well in the long run. So at first, I thought well maybe I've finally wised up...and I'm going to let a man show me why I should fall for him. But as the dates add up and he's does his best to show me just that, I'm still not getting there. In fact, don't think I'm making any forward progress towards feelings for him.
So you might ask what's the problem with that....just chalk it up to some nice dates and move on, right? That's where my self doubt takes over. While I feel like I'm finally in a "good place" with my own esteem and choices I'm making, I can't help but feel that I'm letting a good one go to my own detriment. I'm certainly no spring chicken and maybe I will never be presented with a similar opportunity again. At the same time, I don't think I'm being fair to the guy. He is a nice guy and he deserves to find someone who thinks he's all that and a bag of chips.
So I guess my question is how do believe and trust my feelings? Should I go on a few more dates even though my feelings for him don't seem to be progressing?
I've been lurking on DS since leaving an emotionally abusive relationship in 2013. The folks in that group were instrumental in my recovery from a very bad, bad situation. I know there are some wise folks here as well and am curious as to what you all have to say.
So where's the problem? I'm just not feeling it. And it's a very strange feeling for me. As background, I'm early 50s, never married, no kids and a string of 1-4 year relationships. I usually fall hard and fast. But I recognize this is a pattern that has not served me well in the long run. So at first, I thought well maybe I've finally wised up...and I'm going to let a man show me why I should fall for him. But as the dates add up and he's does his best to show me just that, I'm still not getting there. In fact, don't think I'm making any forward progress towards feelings for him.
So you might ask what's the problem with that....just chalk it up to some nice dates and move on, right? That's where my self doubt takes over. While I feel like I'm finally in a "good place" with my own esteem and choices I'm making, I can't help but feel that I'm letting a good one go to my own detriment. I'm certainly no spring chicken and maybe I will never be presented with a similar opportunity again. At the same time, I don't think I'm being fair to the guy. He is a nice guy and he deserves to find someone who thinks he's all that and a bag of chips.
So I guess my question is how do believe and trust my feelings? Should I go on a few more dates even though my feelings for him don't seem to be progressing?
I've been lurking on DS since leaving an emotionally abusive relationship in 2013. The folks in that group were instrumental in my recovery from a very bad, bad situation. I know there are some wise folks here as well and am curious as to what you all have to say.
You deserve that and so does he.
The whole alfa male, submissive female thing drives some women crazy.
I think Sunny was the one that asked in another post something to the effect of questioning why we would come here to make sure what we're feeling is right or ok. I think in my case I needed some outsiders who would be thoughtful yet neutral. I could have run it by my single girlfriends over drinks and while it would have led to a lively discussion, I'm not sure I would have figured anything out.
Thanks for the help. And Autumnal, the way you described your dating experiences sound eerily familiar....many parallels. I hope this guy will also be respectful of the fact that I'm just not feeling it.
Good men are hard to come by, and this man deserves to be with someone who can grasp and appreciate that. You seem to require a measure of insolence to get your mojo going, and that's something you should be looking at with a trained therapist.
I wish you well.
Yep, maybe there was a time that I looked for some level of insolence in a guy. But that's not case anymore. Indeed, even ex abuser was extremely charming and docile for the first year of our relationship. How else do you rope an unsuspecting into your lion's den?
And I do have a therapist that I trust and have discussed current guy with.
As I mentioned in my original post, I do appreciate the nice qualities of the guy I'm talking about, and I know he deserves someone that appreciates and loves those qualities.
But in this case, the attraction is just not there for me. I tried and even wanted it to be there....but it just ain't. So much so, that I actually find some of his behavior and mannerisms annoying. He would make a nice friend though....I think then the behaviors I'm talking about wouldn't bother me so.
I guess level with nice guy and say exactly what you said here, that he's a nice guy and deserves to be with a woman who thinks he's all that and a bag of chips, but you ain't feeling "it", that animalistic thing, that charisma, that sexual magnetism...but you enjoy him as a friend and would like to continue to do so.
Then identify what DOES turn you on. A dominating man? A man who's got this commanding physical and emotional presence? Yet, in response to unhealthy relationships with such men in the past, a man who has learned the value pf give and take with regards to exchanging POWER, sometimes lets YOU take over the reins, take the floor, take center stage?
Communicate these desires to nice guy. Maybe he IS that kind of man, he's just been nice because he thought that's what you wanted-! If you tell him what you want, he just might deliver!