Healthy Relationships Support Group

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What to do...

emjaybar
emjaybar
We've been together for 2 years. 8 months ago we installed Safe Eyes on my boyfriend's computer because he cheated on me with a woman he met on a dating site. That encounter took a long time for us to heal. He admitted he could not stop looking even though he says he's committed to me. The Safe eyes program really works. We sat down together and blocked the tempting sites, but it also blocks sites that are innocent. When a site is blocked, he calls me in to unblock it. All the sites he requests to be unblocked are harmless. But he feels controlled, and I want to say 'Oh well!' He's very easily frustrated with computer issues, so he asked (told) me to uninstall the program. And so goes the argument: I told him I felt insecure about doing that; when I go to bed I'll be wondering what he's looking at; and doesn't he care about how I feel. You would think he'd be all over me with reassurances.....nope, nada, not a word regarding my feelings. It was all about him, how controlled he felt and how frustrated he was when he couldn't get into an innocent sight. This morning has been a little 'chilly' because I"m still waiting for him 'to get it' I'm feeling a little stupid and duped.
DayDreaminDreamer
DayDreaminDreamer
OK. From what you said about his reactions, he very much sounds like he has issues with sex addiction. Does he also go on porn sites as well as online dating (just curious, though dating sites alone are enouhimself he is out of control of himself)?
Aronia
Aronia
The whole situation sounds unbearable to me...
An adult person should not have to be monitored. It is not healthy for you and it is not healthy for him.
You either need accept that he is a cheater and has serious issues and stay with him because you love him that much OR you have to dump him and find someone who has similar values to yours.
You can not change him. He needs to want to change himself.
When he does something again you will likely regret all the time you spent on trying to " make " him better.
I am sorry that it is so painful. Unfortunately, i have a lot of experience with what i m talking about .
Good luck and i hope you will be happy soon.
emjaybar
emjaybar
DayDreaming, no he does not go on porn sites, I've checked the history on his computer. Sex is big thing for him. My issue, and I'm still trying to get through to him is that he didn't, won't, can't understand my feelings. He will not accept the fact that I'm hurt. He focuses on HIS issues and feelings of frustration when the computer is either running slowly or he can't get open an innocent site and then has to ask me to allow the site to be opened. I accused him of being narcissistic and unfeeling and putting my feelings on the back burner even ignoring them. Again, he whined about himself. He says this will work out. How when he get in touch with what I'm saying? UGH
dogwalker385
dogwalker385
I'm sorry but I think he is being childish, esp. because he is not considering your feelings, just his. He is not even saying he won't do it again, he is just whining about having to have "mommy" let him into some sites, its an inconvince, not that he is admitting he has done something wrong and won't do it again, and asking forgiveness, I'd really hash it out with him.
DayDreaminDreamer
DayDreaminDreamer
In reality you cannot control what he does. If he is experiencing difficulty in refraining from dating sites while in relationship, especially when you've voiced that it's unacceptable for you as his partner, that SD ounds like an alarm bell. If you disable the program and he goes back on the sites, he has an issue. It must be frustrating having to monitor his use of internet.