Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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Aronia 08/01/2016

. I had some concerns with the new guy, thinking that over all we are good, but in the last couple of days something happened and it is like my eyes got opened.

Basically some of my friends confirmed my feelings about my BF possibly just using me for sex and covering up his actions with low self esteem and trust issues. I m not going to name all of them, because it is boring, but I can tell you that after 1.5 months of dating I have not met any of his friends, we have not been anywhere except out for dinner a few of times , for my birthday I didn't even get a single flower and when I ask him to go places or parties or meet my friends, there is always an excuse why he can't. All of his fantasies about us that he tells me about involve sex. It is never like - omg that would be so great if we can build a chicken coop together or I wish I could take you to the beach for a week.

At first he was acting great and somehow slowly we are at this point . This realization was triggered by my friends pointing things out and by me having a really bad day at work dealing with an abusive patient.

So, I wrote him an email about my feelings and explained to him what I wanted - to show him that he cares and that right now I feel like I am a secret and someone to just have sex with. I go out of my way and do all these amazing things that you would to for someone you love, but all I get back is - sex.

The letter wasn't mean at all. It was direct , like this post. I guess I was waiting for him to come around before, to start showing me more care, involve me more in his life and instead it got worse and I got sick of waiting. I told him that I am going to back off and let him take charge of building our relationship.

So far, he has been saying very little and giving me the silent treatment. In the mean time, I m having anxiety attacks and smoking a pack a day.

Something tells me I struck a nerve and he knows I am right. I m ready for whatever happens. I m expecting it to end because I will not be anyone's toy.

gettingitstraight 08/01/2016

So you have never met his friends or family could you be someone he is using to cheat on someone do you know where he lives have you been to his house. I don't associate with him anymore I had a friend who would call me to go out when he was looking to cheat on his wife he would meet these women in places he knew were not in a place he could run into his wife or friends he also used a friends house as his own to meet these women at to seem legitimate I hope it's not that but I also hope it works out for you I would end it though sounds like he is using you

sunnyjax 08/01/2016

UGH sorry Aronia, that sucks. I see what you mean with the red flags there, its all becoming clearer isn't it. Someone on here told me to focus on actions not words when assessing someones intentions.
I hope the sex was damn good at least!
hugs. x

gebaird 08/01/2016

I'm an old-fashioned guy who believes that sex is better when it's built on top of an established emotional connection. I want to love a whole person, not just her body. I want to know about her childhood, her hopes and dreams, her loves and fears. I want to hold her when she cries and take care of her when she is sick. I want her to be my whole world and I want to be hers. A relationship based solely on sex can't survive. It has to be part of the complete package. Proud of you for standing your ground and refusing to be used.

Aronia 08/01/2016

Well, he wrote me back and explained some things and also pointed out his concerns with me... It was a productive talk and it looks like we are going to work this out... I am a ball of nerves lol
He said that he was basically offended that I suggested that our relationship is just sexual. It looks like we both have things to work on.

gebaird 08/01/2016

Relationships are never easy :) Hope things can start to get better between you and him.

koolman 08/01/2016

Talk...and grow Aronia! I will say that I find it offensive when a person says another person is "using me for sex" when sex is TWO people! You're BOTH using EACH OTHER for sex (pleasure)! But great, kudos, about opening up with each other, communicating.

koolman 08/01/2016

I realize you used the word "just" before "using me for sex". I'm sure it feels that way at times, bc he hasn't been very good at verbally communicating his more tender emotions. Sounds like he's trying now!

Aronia 08/01/2016

I am actually deeply moved by the fact that he was patient and had good things to say but also got his point across too... I m amazed and impressed.. I should have doubted him.

Aronia 08/01/2016

Should NOT have

patti22 08/01/2016

Ehh, it's good that you asked him about it...but maybe not so good that you jumped to total bad conclusions.

If it were me, I'd still be on the fence. When the relationship actually has transitioned to being involved with friends etc...then I'd be convinced. But where you're at...isn't necessarily a bad thing. From what you've said, he's got twin 6 year olds and his mom was/is really sick...that's a LOT to deal with. If he's actually involved with his kids, it can be hard to have time for a new relationship.

So in my opinion, give it time, give it time, and it's good that you've brought it up, Patti

Aronia 08/01/2016

Yes, we are not going to introduce the kids. I think at the very least 6 months

Stillpinkpony 08/02/2016

Did he give you an explanation about not meeting friends or family?

sunnyjax 08/02/2016

I find that its sometimes good to wait before introducing friends and family, to form your own opinion first. If he is susceptible to influence by friends and family maybe he wanted to make his own mind up so he isn't influenced. It is a good indicator though, so when you get to meet other people in his life you know it will mean he's sure…?! But I also get that you cannot really get to know him without seeing him with friends and family too. Maybe he just likes to keep it private. At least for a while. It was brave of you to communicate with him and that sounds like a healthy response. Its part of the process. Its lovely he has responded in a helpful way. x

Aronia 08/02/2016

I don't know what happened before, but he seems to be talking a lot about taking things " slow and safe". I asked him to describe specifically what that means and I m sure next time we see each other, it will be discussed.
I can't even guess what the problem was. I know that he was divorced 4 years ago and has already been engaged once. Maybe he rushed into something before and now he wants to take it easy?
I could be wrong. I will never know what he thinks until he tells me for sure.

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