Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Me and my two kids moved in with my fiance four years ago. My son and daughter have battled their weight since they were itty bitty. I have struggled with eating disorders since I was young and barely escaped an abusive ex. I am not over weight now and trying to maintain that. His boys are adults and were track stars just like him. He married the prom queen out of high school and had a perfect family for awhile, till she cheated.
I always felt like we were soo different in background. But he is good to me and respects my kids. Doesn't do anything with them or try to get to know them but he is respectful.
My daughter (who is heavy) was talking about boys and dating and all that stuff. She looked up at my fiance and asked him if he would still love me if I were fat. I laughed cause I knew exactly what he would say, and he is always honest. He said no. I asked again, really confused at this point. And again he said no. I asked how much weight I could gain before the "love" stopped and he said he wasn't sure.
I have been thinking about this and I seriously don't want to marry or even be with him anymore. He would be the perfect guy! Minus his shallowness. I can't believe he would send that message to my daughter even.
What if I age too fast? What if anything happens that alters my appearance. How's that going to work? Is he going to add that to his vows?
I don't know if because I have struggled my whole life with eating disorders and self esteem issues, maybe I'm over reacting? Maybe I'm just extra sensitive?
Just so I'm being clear, if when I met him if he was super over weight I would not have pursued him at all. But after being together 5 years and he gained that kind of weight, I would still love him, stand by him, all of it.
I always felt like we were soo different in background. But he is good to me and respects my kids. Doesn't do anything with them or try to get to know them but he is respectful.
My daughter (who is heavy) was talking about boys and dating and all that stuff. She looked up at my fiance and asked him if he would still love me if I were fat. I laughed cause I knew exactly what he would say, and he is always honest. He said no. I asked again, really confused at this point. And again he said no. I asked how much weight I could gain before the "love" stopped and he said he wasn't sure.
I have been thinking about this and I seriously don't want to marry or even be with him anymore. He would be the perfect guy! Minus his shallowness. I can't believe he would send that message to my daughter even.
What if I age too fast? What if anything happens that alters my appearance. How's that going to work? Is he going to add that to his vows?
I don't know if because I have struggled my whole life with eating disorders and self esteem issues, maybe I'm over reacting? Maybe I'm just extra sensitive?
Just so I'm being clear, if when I met him if he was super over weight I would not have pursued him at all. But after being together 5 years and he gained that kind of weight, I would still love him, stand by him, all of it.
First off, he was dead wrong for saying this in front of your daughter who is going through a difficult milestone of transitioning from being a girl to becoming a woman. No matter what his opinion really was he should have avoided the answer in some creative way for HER sake.
Completely thoughtless and insensitive.
The second thing - assuming he knows about your struggles with body image: wtf?? It was his duty to make sure that you do not feel worse out of compassion and respect for you as his partner and human being.
However, there is another aspect to it.
Sexual preferences are imbedded into our heads and sometimes there is nothing we can do about it. Some people find extremely overweight people physically unattractive. The question was about love, not sex, but sex is a part of a romantic relationship.
So now there is this huge elephant in the room and somehow your fianc need to get this elephant out.
Have you told him your thought about what happened?
He needs to clarify to you exactly what he meant.
If a possibility of you gaining a large amount of weight is going to dismantle the relationship then no.. It is probably not worth it.
It doesn't make him shallow, it doesn't make him an asshole - this is just his sexual preference.
I personally get extremely turned off by people who have an addiction to alcohol. If my fianc started drinking I am not sure if the relationship would be salvaged. I wouldn't stop loving him, but the physical attraction would be gone in an instant.
Regardless, what he said to you was completely insensitive. He knew what he was getting involved in and that people with certain eating disorders lose and gain weight and struggle daily. He should have thought this through and should have been upfront about it.
This is the realt reason to be pissed off at him - not thinking this through, just like he didn't think about how his answer would impact your child.
This kind of thoughtlessness is a reason to be concerned about where your marriage will end up in the future.
I am so sorry that he hurt you. Maybe talking things out with him and explaining to him what he did would make him think a little more about his actions.
I hope things get better !!
I hope that your daughter will find it within herself to take control of her weight in a healthy way.
When I was a little girl we were visiting friends My Mother and my 2 sisters, my sister's friend and the friend's grandmother were all sitting in the living room. There was a lull in the conversation... all of a sudden we hear.. "YOU'RE FAT" we all looked up.. in shock.. then she repeats.. " YOU'RE FAT, CHRISTY" .. I was mortified!
It didn't send me into eating disorder or anything and I don't have a weight problem today... but sometimes I still think of that old bitch! when I'm working out.. lol... I hope your daughter finds it within herself to do what is best for her and I would tell your fiance that he wins the asshole award and shame on him!!
What is his definition of love? More importantly, What is your idea of what love is? There is a huge difference between love and attraction.
FACTS: We will grow old, our skin will sag, our teeth will fall out, many of us will get fat and many of us will have ailments. You made it clear that you would stand by him and UNFORTUNATELY, he made himself clear also.
LOVE is total acceptance of attributes AND flaws.
i couldnt marry a guy like that for the same reasons you list. you probably will gain some weight as you get older. metabolisim and such.. so what will he do? . and since he didnt give you a set amount to work with you will always have to wonder when and if u gain a few pounds if its too much, and also .. if he could say that so quickly and mean it, does he even love you now?
I suppose I need to talk to him about it. Get more than "no" responses to my questions... But after my childhood and surviving my ex I'm not sure I could ever forget it. Even if he said all the right things to make it seem not so bad. I seriously just gained 4 pounds and have in panic diet mode since he said that. I'm almost where I was but I don't want to live like this.
I understand the sexual attraction part, but I can't wrap my mind around conditions. What if something happened to him and he couldn't be intimate anymore he's ten years older than me and already starting to get physical aches/pains-I still wouldn't have left him or said I wouldn't love him anymore.
I guess that's just how some people feel. I'm so angry that this serious game changing crap didn't come up before in our dating hours of talking together. Or before I quit my job and came to work for him. Or before I moved out of my own house to move in to his. Or before I said I would marry him. And I can't help but think that's why he hasn't put any effort forth to get to know my kids.
My daughter is blessed with a boyfriend who likes her for her. He is not over weight and if she does start a diet he is supportive but doesn't care either way. Her dad has abandond her and it kills me to think that she would take to heart what he said.
Thanks again guys for listening.....