Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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mk1090 05/06/2013

I have currently been in a relationship for about 8 months now. Prior to that I was dating someone on and off for 7 years in an extremely abusive relationship. I am finding myself the longer I am with the new person to be extremely jealous over many situations, where I think could be brushed off/avoided. He has many friends that are girls, but most of them have boyfriends/husbands it is just all new to me. My last relationship I wasn't even allowed to have male friends, so I try to get myself out of that "norm" that used to be for me. It took literally 8 months for his group of girls to get adjusted to me and friendly...so that was a struggle for me in the beginning. His Ex girlfriend is best friends with all of the girls so I think that may be why it took a while for them to warm up, but whatever. My main problem is my jealousy issues. I constantly find myself mad, worried, over thinking everything!! We never fight, ever except if I get jealous. He is so great and I am so thankful, but sometimes I am concerned because I cant control my jealousy. Jealous is just not me but for some reason, I am so blocked off and scared to get hurt again I find myself crazy about everything.....if anyone has any advice or input that would be awesome, I am open to hear anything, I just want a healthy relationship that I know I deserve.

deleted_user 05/06/2013

It's something that I struggle with as well- probably because of my own lack of self esteem- I too was in an abusive relationship and not allowed to have any friends at all- it takes a long time to work out all the damage that does to a person. I also have the issue of being cheated on which put me over the edge when it comes to being suspicious of things. I have also discovered that many times my suspicions have been correct, when I have thought I am being lied to about something. It is very hard to be with a guy that has many female friends if they are possessive of him and the fact that his are good friends with his ex- doubly hard. It's something that you need to work on from your side and to keep your jealousy to yourself because it will end up ruining your relationship. I suggest seeing a counsellor who can help you work through your feelings. Always remind yourself "He is MY boyfriend, he chooses to be with me and love me- not any of the other females that he knows" the others are all just friends- you are more than that to him- you hold a special place in his life that they do not. Keep reminding yourself of that and telling yourself how great you are! He's lucky to have you in his life and the others don't have anything that you don't.

MTZ3 05/06/2013

I don't have a history of abusive relationships, however I have dealt with jealousy of opposite sex friends (on both parts, both as giver and receiver), which I believe for some is very normal (perhaps even biological), as a way of preserving security/ stability within a relationship. From what little I have read, there are statistics that back up, that many if not most affairs start off as friendships. Personally I'd prefer not to deal with that hassel in my own relationships. However for some couples, this works out just fine. Just not for me.

I will also comment, at least with your significant other, you have met these opposite sex friends, in other words your SO is not keeping you hidden or secret from them. Granted your SO's ex, is best friends with these women, which would make me highly uncomfortable.

Not sure that this helps, but IMO, how you are feeling is normal. I doubt your SO will change his ways, hence your choices are either to accept him the way his is, or break it off, in hopes of finding someone else, who will give you what you think you need.

MTZ3 05/06/2013

Oh, and I thought I should add, jealousy, to the extreme of controlling a SO's other's where abouts, expecting them to stay home all day, not talk to the opposite sex, is extreme.

However jealousy, where a person doesn't want their SO to meet up with an opposite sex friend(s) (not invite you, or keeps you a secret, hides things from you). excludes you on a regular basis, texts opposite friend on a regular basis, discuss your relationship issues, well, I think you have very good reason to be jealous or irritated, and not put up with it. I believe most would not want that.

mk1090 05/06/2013

Thank you both so very much. This really did help me, It just really is hard coming from a relationship of abuse, cheating, lies. I like how LiannaMEz you say
"He is MY boyfriend, he chooses to be with me and love me- not any of the other females that he knows"

I need to keep reminding myself of that, and try to not let this new lifestyle ruin one that could be happy for me. Luckily he does not text these girls, it is always a group gathering but he is so friendly and "nice" that it gets to me.

koolman 05/06/2013

"I am so blocked off and scared to get hurt again"

There's the problem. Don't MIND getting hurt, EMBRACE the possibility of getting hurt, and you'll be golden. Life hurts sometimes. It's hard, I know.

mk1090 05/06/2013

Thank you Koolman I liked that

Troubled2345 05/06/2013

I agree, you should take the chance of getting hurt if he is worth it. Ask yourself do you trust him? Or has he done anything to make you not trust him. If not don't let your past control your future. This guy has a clean slate and he shouldn't have to reap the consequences of your past relationship. Everyone gets jealous in some way or form it's natural. But jealousy can be taken to the extreme in relationships and ruin something great. Work on your trust and jealousy will fade away. Having friends of the opposite sex is normal especially your friends that are in relationships themselves. You should be able to feel comfortable around them in social situations or when your SO is around them when your not around. It's all a part of being in a mature, happy successful relationship. So keep working at it and remember if you trust him and if you feel he really does love you, jealousy shouldn't be an issue. Don't let your past ruin your future!!!

deleted_user 05/26/2013

i get extremely jealous do to the fact girls keep cheating so i understand the feeling you cant take it out on somebody who does not deserve it though remember they are not the ones you used to be with so sometimes you gotta cut people slack

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