Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Ok, So, I am with a man (the first serious one since leaving my ex-husband) I have had a thing for him for years, even when I was still married. I have been with him for 1.5 years. My children love him and his daughter likes having us around. We live seperately me with my children and he lives by himself. I have grown to love him to pieces and it seems like every day i fall deeper, this is a new feeling for me one that I like but it also makes me scared. I am scared that I will do something that he's not going to like and he will walk away. I know that is just my anxiety talking but it is really hard for me to think that i deserve to be happy. I know he isn't going to leave me because i asked him awhile ago if he saw us together in 5 years and he said yes. I know that is not a vey good question to ask a man but i needed to know.
I know he loves me deeply but i dont know how to get this anxiety to stop making appearences. He is the type of guy that only tells you how he feels once oin a blue moon. He is not the affectionate type, altho he has gotten better since we started dating. His answer to everything is "Idon't care" For example I ask him if he wants us to spend the night, "I doin'.t care" is his response. Is it asking too much for him to say "yes or no"?
He knows I have anxiety issues, but I dont want to keep hounding him about being together. I suppose if he didnt want me there he would tell me, like he said he would and he has done to spend some quality time with his daughter. Why do i feel like i am intruding on his time? He is the man i wanna be with the rest of my life and Ive never felt this way before (not even when I was married). Do I just do what I want and take for granted that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him?
We are making plans to move in together in the near future once he gets renovations done, we arent in any hurry because we know we wanna be together. So hes not scared of committment or anything. He is very excited for meto go back to colllege in September and is very supportave in what I want to do. He said he will help me anyway that he can.
I hope this makes sence to everyone. I need to get my anxiety issues out of the way and stop thinking that I am not good enough for such a great guy like him, because if I wasnt he wouldnt have chozen me. I now that but how do I get my head to accept it?
I know he loves me deeply but i dont know how to get this anxiety to stop making appearences. He is the type of guy that only tells you how he feels once oin a blue moon. He is not the affectionate type, altho he has gotten better since we started dating. His answer to everything is "Idon't care" For example I ask him if he wants us to spend the night, "I doin'.t care" is his response. Is it asking too much for him to say "yes or no"?
He knows I have anxiety issues, but I dont want to keep hounding him about being together. I suppose if he didnt want me there he would tell me, like he said he would and he has done to spend some quality time with his daughter. Why do i feel like i am intruding on his time? He is the man i wanna be with the rest of my life and Ive never felt this way before (not even when I was married). Do I just do what I want and take for granted that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him?
We are making plans to move in together in the near future once he gets renovations done, we arent in any hurry because we know we wanna be together. So hes not scared of committment or anything. He is very excited for meto go back to colllege in September and is very supportave in what I want to do. He said he will help me anyway that he can.
I hope this makes sence to everyone. I need to get my anxiety issues out of the way and stop thinking that I am not good enough for such a great guy like him, because if I wasnt he wouldnt have chozen me. I now that but how do I get my head to accept it?
I understand as my partner is similar, we don't live together either and often his reply to those questions will be 'it's up to you' or 'it doesn't matter' which implies that time together is more important to me than to him. I don't like that feeling. He doesn't like to talk about his feelings either which is upsetting to those of us who need that verbal reassurance. Maybe they're related lol!
Like you I'm the anxious type, but I've recently started some personal therapy as I'm trying to work on my own confidence and self judgement rather than needing other people to reassure me. It's early days but showing results. I can recommend it
Good luck
I've noticed older people do this on simple stuff - what would you like for lunch? Oh anything will do..........that's not what I asked you!
It's like dealing with a child. Adults get to make decisions - how hard is it to say yes or no and mean it? That kind of thing - smacks of immaturity or a lack of care.......imagine having to live with that all your life. Ick.
But then - I like people with a mind of their own........not sissy's. So that may just be me.
But whichever, you're right, its exhausting and I game I'm tired of playing along with. If he ever says it these days (which is rarer) I say yes, you're right, it doesn't matter, I remember something urgent i need to do at home first thing in the morning, and I go home to the cat who is always thrilled to see me! It feels far better than being manipulated and kept on the hop all the time and it stopped his game in it's tracks
Btw, it's not just older people who do the lunch/food indecision thing, one of my kids used to say "I don't mind" all the time, I used to say sorry, I don't have any of that, go out and buy some! Couple of times of no dinner in front of him made him learn to make a decision
Ick.....and it doesn't matter if its them being sissy or a manipulator - either way is just exhausting and immature. Ick again.
Sounds good to me.
Tell yourself every day that you are important and deserve the absolute best in life. Change the way you think each day. Think more positively. You want him to see you as a strong confident woman and not as a worrier. I know this is easier said than done but practice makes perfect.
I think you just have to build your own self esteem so you understand this man is very lucky to have you. I no longer see certain men as "so great". I think I am special and worthy of a good man.
Do not confuse easy going as avoidant..you're already trying to make the relationship your responsibility....it takes two involved and communicating.
#livedit
It sounds like you're doing the chasing and he doesn't have to do any work. The sad thing is that some guys will just go the easy route and be with a woman not because they're all into her, but because it's the easy thing to do. Stop putting in the effort. Go do your own thing. If he doesn't step up to the plate and pursue you harder, he was never all that into you.