Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I am struggling so badly right now and I just want to vent. I have been in a relationship for a year and a half now and it has had its up and downs. Apparently I make too many comments about my boyfriends help with his family and his relationship with his mother. He said he fears my reaction. The story is that he brought it up to me that his family was planning on. Going away to visit other family for a week. I told him that was fine. I can't take off of work right now. Then I find out that his brother's gf of only a few months is going on the trip. I felt so excluded but obviously I didn't have any option. Being selficious I told him that upset me that she got to go along. He said fine I won't go and me and him can go together at another point so I can meet the rest of his family. I find it upsetting that we have been dating so long and we haven't gone on a real vacation just the two of us. so later this week he starts telling me that he is thinking about going and how he is looking up ticket prices but said he wouldn't go if I didn't want to. I said fine go, but that sounds expensive for a last minute ticket. He then blew up on me this week saying he was going to go and he just looked up tickets and he resents me and feels unhappy in this relationship. Deep down of course I wanted him to go, but it would have been nice to be invited on past trips and feel included. I have yet to go on any out of state trip. Come to find out he booked a ticket three weeks ago that was apparently refundable. He said he told me this week about buying a ticket because he was hoping I would say it's ok. I'm devastated. I suffer from a lot of issues that I am currently seeing a therapist for that can contribute to my behavior. I just never expect to be treated this way. I feel like my feelings were put second. He said he lied because he didn't want to hurt me. Going on this trip means a lot to him. I feel like your long term gf should always come first.
Yes you do, and did, want him to go, and see his family, but because you couldn't go, due to work, and his brother's new gf was going, and that he wanted to go so badly, he bought a ticket without telling you, and that he hasn't taken you on any real vacations in the past, all came to a boil, and you've gotten your knickers in a twist.
He bought a refundable ticket, because he knew you might freak at the last moment, so he put you first, in case he had to cancel his trip. He didn't tell you because he knows you, and like he said, hoped you would come around and say, 'Of course you can go honey, I hope you have a wonderful time with your family, you deserve it. Say hello to them for me, and tell them I wish I could be there. Oh and I bought you a few magazines and some candy for the plane ride.'
You may be carrying baggage from the past, into your present relationship, and it's spoiling all the fun. You ask, shouldn't he put you first? Well he has, by purchasing a refundable ticket. But he also has a life, and he has a family, whom he'd like to see, who would also like to see him, and that makes him happy, and should make you happy.
How would his family feel about you, if they knew he couldn't go because he has to put your feelings first? How will he feel, about you, and your future together, if he can't go and see his family, because of your feelings? I'm not sure what you're devastated about, the fact that he didn't tell you, or that he wants to go so much that he bought the ticket? And btw, what does he tell his family as the reason he can't go?
You say, at the end of your post, "Going on this trip means a lot to him. I feel like your long term gf should always come first."
When I read this, it says, that going on this trip, means a lot to him, but your feelings are more important than his happiness.
I would bring this matter to your therapist, and perhaps share some of the comments here on your post. It may help you see something you're missing that is causing you unnecessary grief.
Wishing you well.
I would recommend a good book... and you can talk about it with your therapist. I read a lot of book but none of them changed my life. This did. The reason I am here it's because of it.
It's called Robin Norwood - Women who love too much
It's not worth it...you have one life, and you are supposed to live it in joy and happiness as long as you can. And I am on the same boat, it's hard to not get mad about certain things and the whole process where you feel he is sharing his love with the family and everyone and it's not only and only yours..it might frustrate you. I don't think this whole think was so much about the ticket or anything, but the fact that he's sharing his love with his family. You feel he should show you his big love by taking you to a trip together. Or by other means where you can feel very special.
I think it;s useless for me to write a lot, because the book I read was more than satisfying with responses to most of my questions and it's great because you can talk it through with your therapist. And it's a great way for you to get to know yourself better.
I hope I helped.