Healthy Relationships Support Group

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maebeth 09/24/2011

I have a question for everyone (and all opinions). My husband runs the family business his parents started in 1979. He works a minimum of 60 hours a week and usually closer to 70 hours. I also work in the business part time (25-30 hours per week) and stay at home the rest of the time with our 5 year old special needs daughter. We also have a 2 year old son. Here's my question: Is it out of line to expect my husband to follow through with what he says he's going to do around the house to help me out when he's completely exhausted (he only gets about 5 1/2-6 hours a night of sleep)? I take care of pretty much everything and anything pertaining to the children (including all of our daughter's special need stuff), all budgeting/bill issues, and make/keep track of all personal appointments. My husband does laundry, makes dinner 3 weeknights and Sunday dinner, and pick up the house on those nights. We recently got a house cleaner (3 months ago) every 2 weeks to help with the cleaning because neither of us had time to stay on top of it. However, my husband usually falls asleep before he has time to do much of anything except dinner and starting the first load of laundry. The laundry is in a horrible state and the house is often so cluttered that I am embarrassed to let anyone come over. I feel guilty waking him up to make him do it, but am feeling resentful of him as well. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

deleted_user 09/24/2011

Is there anyway the house cleaner could come more often and as part of her duties help out with laundry? It sounds like both of you are run ragged at the moment but also both trying your best. If he is falling asleep...he's obviously arse tired so harping on him isn't going to do much except create resentment on his part perhaps. If he was just lounging about and watching TV...that would be a different story.

The only other thing off the top of my head is can he cut back on some of his hours at all? Maybe not every day of the week...but a couple days at least come home a little earlier or something. Is it necessary for you to work?

maebeth 09/25/2011

Thanks for your comment! Unfortunately, hiring more help is not a possiblity. It is already a stretch for us to have someone clean every 2 weeks. My daughter's medical bills are crazy and insurance has its limits. Some of the professionals she sees (OTs, speech pathologists) are not contracted providers by Blue Cross Blue Shield and they do not have providers for my daughter's specific needs (the insurance company has even admitted this, but it isn't their problem). On top of that her specialists are 5 hours away and travel/lodging is expensive as well (sometimes we have to stay for several days at a time). So in answer do you have to work, Yes to take home more money to pay the medical bills. We don't have any consumer debt and live well within our means to afford our daughter the help she requires. As far as my husband working less...well, if you have any suggestions on how to help him follow through I'd love to hear it. He always has good intentions, but it doesn't ever work out. Again, thank you!

Shai 09/25/2011

i would suggest mapping it out on paper. see what times are taken and what times are spent idle.

first start with a monday. write out from 12a - 11:59p (or start the day when you or he wakes -- whoever wakes first). list what's done and when. then do it for tuesday, wednesday, etc.

see how that works out first. ^_^

deleted_user 09/25/2011

I don't know about the family business but maybe he needs to learn to delegate more so he can make more of an effort to be with family and help out at home. If he can't/won't do that...then have a sit down with him so you two can hash this out before the resentments build to a level where it impacts your relationship on a greater level.

What about your personal lives? Are you overcommited there? Are there some activities that you can cut down on or just back out of completely?

Balance in life is hard to do when you have to work and have family and other life obligations as well...but it can be done. It's all about the effort and the want to get to a better place for all involved.

deleted_user 09/26/2011

wow i dont know to much to tell you, But can we clone your spouse? WOW he works that many hours and does cooking and all. Mines will not work and does nothing. Dear Lord you are blessed.
But if you cant afford the help, then maybe the family buss can afford help so he can work less hrs, I am like the other reply, put it all down on paper, like a calendar, work, and all. And you too. what you day holds, you both may find there is wasted time that you both can get other things done. Everyone has wasted time. No matter how busy we are... Good Luck, but you are blessed.

2newadvntrs 09/26/2011

In your area there is a Regional center for disabled children..I too have a special needs daughter..They help with everything, they pay medical bills, help with medical necessities like prosthetics, or wheelchairs etc..They even can asign you a case worker that could take your daughter to medical appointments or give you respit care...Respite care also means that someone can come into the home and help with things like laundry etc..and or care of the child so that you can do such. It is not income based..Depending on what disability your daughter may have there are other agencies that help as well.. Like March of dimes..United Cerebral Palsy Org.. There are even people that volunteer in the churches for very minimal..My daughter does this as well..So check with the churches see if there may be a 22 yr old that has spare time that wants to make a few dollars, It may be cheaper than your housecleaner and you may be able to get more done..

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