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Okay, so my ex and I decided to end things after four years. We'd been unhappy for a long time and she was sleeping with someone else who lived in our hometown (I knew for awhile just didn't know how to approach it as I didn't want to have that explosive conversation), the relationship had been over unofficially for awhile.
During the final two months, I was spending a great deal of time with a woman who has been a close friend for 12 years. I started to get feelings for her, but hesitated because:
A) She had told several people (myself included) that she is terrified of relationships after what her daughter's father did when he ended it.
B) We had never discussed nor entertained the possibility of something between us
C) I was worried it might make things awkward and I might lose my friend.
D) I worried about if I would even appeal to her as she likes very thin men and I'm a bigger guy
I bit the bullet and asked her out anyways. She agreed to it stating she wanted to take it slow and that because we've been friends so long there is no having to get to know each other and build the foundation cause it's already there. We both agreed if it wasn't working, we would be honest and tell the other.
The first bit was great; slow as I expected but we started working towards something. After a month and a half, we did the whole "official" thing. But we lacked a lot of the physical side. Mostly we did small kisses and long hugs, but nothing sexual, no hand holding or making out. Again, I attributed this to taking it slow.
I started helping with her groceries and started giving her a ride to work and dropping Her daughter at daycare. We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together but as we got around the four and five month mark I started asking about getting more intimate. She told me she can't picture having sex as she doesn't get those urges yet she's still wanting it to be slow. So I put aside my desires for now hoping she'll be ready at another time. That's when the comments started. Small at first but larger and deeper stings as time went on. She began talking about my weight. As I said, first it was small jokes. It's turned into a regular thing though. And it's always aimed at me losing weight. Now though I'm overweight, I go to the gym and am active in my life, weight is a battle I've always had. But the comments started making me wonder if this lack of intimacy is part of her being attracted to me emotionally but not having a physical attraction. Again based off her exes, she enjoys thinner men.
We are now just over six months and she talks about how I'm like a second father to her daughter, she talks about a future together. But we are still very much stuck in a place where I go back to my apartment everynight after getting a kiss and a hug goodnight. It just makes me wonder if I'm just letting my hormones influence me or if I'm right and there is a bigger issue here.
During the final two months, I was spending a great deal of time with a woman who has been a close friend for 12 years. I started to get feelings for her, but hesitated because:
A) She had told several people (myself included) that she is terrified of relationships after what her daughter's father did when he ended it.
B) We had never discussed nor entertained the possibility of something between us
C) I was worried it might make things awkward and I might lose my friend.
D) I worried about if I would even appeal to her as she likes very thin men and I'm a bigger guy
I bit the bullet and asked her out anyways. She agreed to it stating she wanted to take it slow and that because we've been friends so long there is no having to get to know each other and build the foundation cause it's already there. We both agreed if it wasn't working, we would be honest and tell the other.
The first bit was great; slow as I expected but we started working towards something. After a month and a half, we did the whole "official" thing. But we lacked a lot of the physical side. Mostly we did small kisses and long hugs, but nothing sexual, no hand holding or making out. Again, I attributed this to taking it slow.
I started helping with her groceries and started giving her a ride to work and dropping Her daughter at daycare. We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together but as we got around the four and five month mark I started asking about getting more intimate. She told me she can't picture having sex as she doesn't get those urges yet she's still wanting it to be slow. So I put aside my desires for now hoping she'll be ready at another time. That's when the comments started. Small at first but larger and deeper stings as time went on. She began talking about my weight. As I said, first it was small jokes. It's turned into a regular thing though. And it's always aimed at me losing weight. Now though I'm overweight, I go to the gym and am active in my life, weight is a battle I've always had. But the comments started making me wonder if this lack of intimacy is part of her being attracted to me emotionally but not having a physical attraction. Again based off her exes, she enjoys thinner men.
We are now just over six months and she talks about how I'm like a second father to her daughter, she talks about a future together. But we are still very much stuck in a place where I go back to my apartment everynight after getting a kiss and a hug goodnight. It just makes me wonder if I'm just letting my hormones influence me or if I'm right and there is a bigger issue here.
6 months is a long time.
I think she is waiting/hoping that you will lose weight.
If you do not want to do that then you probably need to call it quits and just remain friends. Which is all you really are now anyway.
Good Luck.
She enjoys all the wonderful things you do for her, but she won't allow herself to give in to you. I believe this is a case of you never know what you've won until you've lost. She cannot appreciate you for who you are and what you have to offer, as you sound like the perfect gentleman and a caring friend, two traits that top my list of desirable qualities.
You need to be with someone who wants all of you and loves everything about you. Someone who is proud to hold your hand and show affection towards you. Her rejection is stopping you from going forth with confidence, verve and vitality, and this is enough to trip anyone up, diminishing their ability to be their best.
Six months is long enough and if she's not there, I don't think she'll ever find her way there. She may be a good friend but you need more than that and I don't believe you will find it with her. Set your standards and stick to them. There are many women who won't think twice about dating a larger guy, and some prefer it, so don't let her kill your mojo.
I wish you strength and perseverance.
Now about this girl... I m sorry to say this, but I don't like her just from the little bit that you wrote about her.
I understand that you ve known her for a really long time, but reasonable, normal people do not place a man immediately ( who is not a bio dad ) in the father role. It is completely irresponsible and shows bad judgement. if the relationship doesn't work out , the child is left confused and feeling abandoned. Kids do not understand what we are doing and why, they just feel and learn. Now this kid is forever going to remember that it is normal to have men in and out of her life .
It starts a chain reaction.
She has allowed you to act like a father but has reservations about sex? This makes zero sense what so ever.
Honestly, maybe you are better off just being friends and that's it.
For future reference - this is how you know someone is a nut job - when they bring you around their kids within just a couple
Of months of dating.
I m sorry things didn't work out.
If I were in your shoes, I would break off a romantic relationship and remain friends. Even if you did do what she wants and you lose weight...I am not 100% sure that would do it for her. There'd probably be something else then.
I think, to save your heart and to hopefully salvage the friendship, break off the "romantic" relationship.
(((HUGS)))
6 months is along time, to be together (without any kind of physical intimacy, except for maybe a hug or peck kiss). She's just not into you (attraction)..
I also don't like, that she's made fun of your weight, friends (especially lovers), don't say stuff like that.
I also don't like that you're helping to pay her groceries. Most friends don't do that. If she were a guy, would you do that too? Probably not. Hence why I think you're being used. From what I can tell, you're not in a bf/ gf relationship (little to no physical intimacy, have you had the exclusive/ monogamy talk?)
In her case, maybe she's not attracted to someone who is overweight, yet at the same time, maybe you're not attracted to someone who is overweight too? Get what I'm saying? Kind of a double standard, if you expect she should be attracted to you (if you're overweight), if you're not attracted to someone who's overweight (would not be attracted to her, if she were overweight). Hope that make sense.