So it's been a few months since I've been on here. The baby's mother and I broke up again. She left me in July for my former friend Christian. They're moving in together, happy as can be, though now that the baby is arriving THIS month she's told me he's getting distant, spends alot of time on the computer, yada yada yada. I really don't care about their problems, lol. My main concern is with them moving in together, I've known him for years and once he gets past a few months, he normally flees. This is where it gets sticky. She's going to have to support a child and an apartment on her maternity leave alone. I know she can't do that since she has an addiction to a trading card game, wants to party and so on. I told her I'd provide her with assistance since we have a private child support agreement that states I'll give her $100 a month and I've been given shared custody in three day intervals. We've already agreed that if she spends money on the baby or needs something for the baby, I'll pay at least half with specific receipts and documentation that I gave her money for the child. It's all legal. This way she can't collect huge sums of money from me, smack me with back child support if she becomes the bitter cunt she always seems to turn into, and allows me plenty of time with my child. I told her recently that if Christian does leave I'll take the baby into my custody for a few days until she gets settled into a new place. Low and behold she tells me "if he leaves; maybe we should give it another shot together." Of course, I rejected this. I'm not a second prize, I deserve more then that. So is this the main issue? No...

When she left me in July, I decided to take a break from dating. I had a casual fling with my roommate, which we both stated was never going to go any further then sex and companionship. It worked out great! It allowed both of us to do as we pleased as single people, but if one of us had a lonely night, we'd have someone to be there with us. Pretty much a relationship without the emotions. Again it was great.

During this break, I met many different women and also had a few close friends become closer. In about mid August, I met an 18 year old named Kayla (please consider that I'm 24). She's an amazing young woman, has a bunch of issues, and is still finding herself in this world...but I'll get more onto that in a moment. I didn't see it progressing mostly due to the fact that she was unbelievably gorgeous and, try as I may to stay in shape, I'm chubby. I was attracted to her, found her fascinating and loved being in her company. So when i decided to date again, I had a few dates with a few of the women I met, started seeing my close friend Michele for a few weeks, but nothing seemed to click properly. Then one evening after work, I was spending a night watching movies and talking with Kayla (which seemed to happen just about every night in September and October). I surprised myself when I suddenly kissed her and from there sparks flew and we ended up in a relationship.

Now we're a month later and boy have things become a tad back and forth. We don't fight, we don't even have small bickers. When we talk it's clear conversations (something I love about her is she's very laid back just like me). We actually discuss things, though at times it's hard to get a point across because she is so young and a little on the naive side and she's also not well educated so her vocabulary is moderate. A few issues have arisen though. Firstly for those who are reading anyting posted by me for the first time I live a straight edge lifestyle which means I abstain from drinking, smoking, and using recreational drugs. I do not have a dogma against any of these things (outside of hard drug use), and have no issues with those who drink, smoke or smoke weed as long as it's moderate. Being 18, she's still finding the novelty of drinking and smoking weed. Before anyone says a word about her being on her own for the first time. She's been imancipated since she was 16. She's been cutting back on smoking cigarettes because she's seen health risks everywhere from so many sources. One issue is she's doing it frequently and i do not mean like once every couple weeks or once every week...she doesn't work so she spends her days while I'm at work looking for either booze or pot. I haven't mentioned anything as of yet, though I've made subtle comments like "maybe save it for the weekend?". A few close friends of mine have made mention that she really cut back on it because I have a baby coming any day now and she's agreed, but she's taken no steps to slow it down. Again, no issues as long as it's moderate. I could even handle an every weekend intoxicated partner.

Second issue which makes the first issue very confusing is...when she's drunk or high...she feels bad about being drunk or high and tells me over and over even though I don't mention or say anything about the fact that she's intoxicated. She says it feels like she betrays me, which is really not something I want her to feel. I want her to be free to have some fun and not feel horrible about what she's doing. Yes, I'd prefer it be moderate, but again, I haven't made any mention or taken any actions to put that point out there...mostly cause I'm afraid she'll start to feel worse about what she's doing and stop doing it entirely. Why is that a negative thing? I don't like to feel like I've pushed my lifestyle onto anyone else. Before we first started dating I had told her in a conversation, I have alot of responsibilities and can only handle an occasional partier and did say clearly "I can't take someone who's drunk and high all the time seriously". I believe that is what is weighing on her.

Thirdly, not too long after she and I started dating, my father passed away. Now she has alot of family issues and she saw how much pain my family (which is a strong unit) went through during the funeral and such. She got very depressed the one night and I was at work. We were talking about her dad and how her family is scattered (her mom lives in the same town as us and she sees her regularly, but her dad lives up 8 hours North of here, her sisters are scattered over the country and they barely talk). I tried to be supportive and help her see that she could still have a strong relationship with her dad and her family by sending them a message or a text. She ended up cutting up her wrists. Nothing too deep, nothing suicidal, she wasn't looking to end her life. She said she does it sometimes to soothe her. That's when I recommended she see a counsellor. She outright refuses, she's terrified of ending up in a mental asylum, she doesn't want to be diagnosed with anything. I don't want to force her becuase I don't believe that will help her. She won't take it seriously because she'll see it as something she's being to do. BUT she has alot of personal demons and if she doesn't resolve them, then I don't know if I can continue the relationship especially since she'll be around my child.

Any comments, opinions or suggestions would be kindly welcomed.