Healthy Relationships Support Group
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i am wondering what do you do when you and your spouse are both feeling neglect from one another but can't do anything about it because no one is getting what they want? i know, it's a bit confusing...
my husband sometimes feels that i don't appreciate how hard he works for the family, which in my heart i know is not true. i of course am very grateful that we always have food on the table and money to pay the bills etc.
however at the same time he makes me feel that as the wife/mother/homemaker who does not work a full-time 9 to 5 job that i despise, i have no reason to complain about anything...like when he gets too drunk and makes me feel really bad about myself.
i have to admit that often this can be provoked by me making a small comment about how poorly he acts when he's around his friends or something of that nature.
it's a truly vicious circle, it is. when we were arguing recently he made me recite a list of the things that i do for him that are useful. when i am put on the spot with questions like that, my mind often seizes. the things i came up with included raising his child (soon to be children), running all the little errands and doing household chores. since he was all worked up and ready for a fight, he wrote all the answers off as B.S.
When we are on good terms he tells me that i will never have to work ever again and that i'll always be taken care of. But when he is in a bad mood he always mentions that i should be that one going to work so that he can stay home and raise our kids since i "don't do a good enough job at it". Filling up the cars with gas and running all over town to pay bills is insufficient because i don't make any of the money that it goes to. As for housework: *roll of eyes* "it's just not that hard"
I feel as if i can never win. I wish i could think quicker on my feet because i would have mentioned how i tend to his every beckoned call and whenever he says that he would like something, i try to make a note the next day to either make it or buy it.
I know i have my faults so i will agree i am half of the problem. I just really wish he could see how much he hurts me.
my husband sometimes feels that i don't appreciate how hard he works for the family, which in my heart i know is not true. i of course am very grateful that we always have food on the table and money to pay the bills etc.
however at the same time he makes me feel that as the wife/mother/homemaker who does not work a full-time 9 to 5 job that i despise, i have no reason to complain about anything...like when he gets too drunk and makes me feel really bad about myself.
i have to admit that often this can be provoked by me making a small comment about how poorly he acts when he's around his friends or something of that nature.
it's a truly vicious circle, it is. when we were arguing recently he made me recite a list of the things that i do for him that are useful. when i am put on the spot with questions like that, my mind often seizes. the things i came up with included raising his child (soon to be children), running all the little errands and doing household chores. since he was all worked up and ready for a fight, he wrote all the answers off as B.S.
When we are on good terms he tells me that i will never have to work ever again and that i'll always be taken care of. But when he is in a bad mood he always mentions that i should be that one going to work so that he can stay home and raise our kids since i "don't do a good enough job at it". Filling up the cars with gas and running all over town to pay bills is insufficient because i don't make any of the money that it goes to. As for housework: *roll of eyes* "it's just not that hard"
I feel as if i can never win. I wish i could think quicker on my feet because i would have mentioned how i tend to his every beckoned call and whenever he says that he would like something, i try to make a note the next day to either make it or buy it.
I know i have my faults so i will agree i am half of the problem. I just really wish he could see how much he hurts me.
I also think that sometimes it is helpful that each of you take a weekend or a day doing something you enjoy with friends. Spending a little time apart can sometimes make people appreciate each other just a bit more just because of their absence. If communication and compromise does not work counseling alone or together would be something else to try.
I just know that you have to work together and be willing to put in the effort to be happy with one another. If you both can't do that it could be an indication to part ways. Hoping things can be worked out for you both.:)
katiebelle, that is good advice. i know when it comes down to it we really do appreciate and love each other, but the bickering does get to be a little much.
when he gets mad he also likes to blame me for us being together, that i came onto him and wasn't being careful by not taking my birth-control which obviously resulted in our son being born. he's very very good at knowing what buttons to push and thinks he is always the winner of the arguments because he knows how to put me in the worst light and make me look like a worse person.
i know i have to take what he says with a grain of salt because he is mad and doesn't really mean most of it. but i have already suffered with low self-esteem since as long as i can remember and these comments always sting me long after the fight is over.
For your own sanity and self esteem please get a job as quickly as possible. This man is a bully and you certainly don't deserve being put down every time he has a bad day. If you feel you can't work right now how about going back to school. IMHO your husband's behavior raises a lot of red flags. I strong believe given your situations you must do everything you can to become self sufficient to feel stronger about yourself otherwise this man will bully you for the rest of your life.
Your post touched a nerve with me and I really feel for you. I have no respect for bullies. They are very little people who pump themselves up by berating others. I hope you find the support you need.
If you acted more appreciative, more supportive, would he appreciate that? (and, of course, would he act like it?)
If yes, then yes, you are part of the problem. If you start by talking to him directly about it, he's likely to get defensive. Men are proud creatures, and, it sounds like, this one particularly so. The best start, IMHO, would be to make a sincere effort to be appreciative of the things he does, especially the ones he seems to think you SHOULD appreciate. When he sees you treating him the way he feels he deserves, he'll probably be more open to what you have to say, and more likely to appreciate you in turn. Again, all this presupposes that your answer to my question is yes.
If it's no, the only thing I have to say is, you're in a crummy situation. Find a way out.