Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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bethmach 02/10/2014

Hi, I have posted on here before re: problems with my marriage. We have been trying to work things out but I am just not feeling it. It feels as though I am just going through the motions. Date night, intimacy, it all feels contrived. I have been married almost 17 years and we have been together a total of 24 years. At the same time I feel devastated and heartbroken. I have always been a romantic and I thought true love was supposed to last forever. What does this say about me as a person? Also I know my husband has not been happy but he has been making an effort and says he still loves me. I feel I need to tell him how I feel and soon. I am thinking maybe tonight. I am afraid of what his response will be. I am afraid to hurt him. He may even get angry. I never thought we would be in this position. We also have a 7 year old daughter. Please help.

Shine14 02/10/2014

Romance in relationships can wax and wane like the phases of the moon. Its not uncommon for couples who have been together so long to fall into a low period. It doesnt have to last forever.
Sometimes, the solution is not necessarily to spend more time together, but to try new things apart. Absence making the heart grow fonder and such.
Romance comes and goes, but divorce lasts forever. Are you really ready to make the first step toward such a permanent, life changing decision?

bethmach 02/10/2014

Thanks Shine. I decided not to go forward with the talk. You gave me some good food for thought. Thanks again!

stillbitterjaded 02/10/2014

Hi Beth,

Tough road to be on. As a bitter single woman, I ask you remember that marriage/relationships always go through that kaBOOM lovey period where everything is hearts, candies and rainbows, then I think they develop into a comfort level with the other person. Not that the love is less, or not intense, just...deeper? More real?

Best of luck!

Aronia 02/10/2014

It would be in your best interest to tell him the truth.

luvmygirl4 02/11/2014

Think outside the box. Maybe you both need to put some excitement into the relationship by trying something crazy together. Gotta stoke the fire... throw some gas on it.

Cherie1 02/12/2014

I don't mean to minimize your pain in this situation, but this seems like a natural part a long relationship. Maybe also a sign that you do need to try some different things to wake things up! I agree with luvmygirl4. I think you do have to communicate more instead of less. Maybe instead of approaching him like something is very wrong, you could tell him how much you love him and that you want to make things more exciting with him.

My ex left me with no options to work things out with him. He really blew our relationship up in some very severe ways. I still wanted to work on things...but he didn't want to enough:(. I wouldn't let this go. I think you need to communicate more!

deleted_user 02/12/2014

To me, romance takes on different forms, the longer, and more comfortable, a couple becomes.

Yes, flowers...candy...etc is so romantic, but for me, the "coupledom"...the sense "we are in it together"...is romance.

I often think I would like to skip the "getting to know you" part of relationships and get to the comfortable "I wouldn't want anyone on my side but you" part of it.

I think speaking the truth, and being open, can't steer you wrong. Give him the opportunity to respond...it's worth it.

Cherie1 02/12/2014

I agree! Keep those lines of communication open!

deleted_user 02/12/2014

Cherie - absolutely.

Communication so often seems to be the thing, you know?

Why is that?

Cherie1 02/13/2014

Communicating helps you bond with your mate. My ex told me there was a chasm between us. I've always been very open to communicate with him...I'm confident it was his fault! Convenient excuse for the many shitty things he did.

It takes two apparently! If your husband will listen to you, respect you, communicate with you, you are ahead of the game!!!

deleted_user 02/13/2014

After being married almost 25 years, there have been times when I thought I was out of love with him, thought he was out of love with me, bored of him, wanted someone who spoke more, sex was boring , etc.. the list goes on. In a long marriage communication is key. We talk, he doesn't always wants to hear me repeat myself over and over again but it does finally sink in and we get on the right path again. We love each other to death, he's a wonderful father, husband and friend but everyday isn't perfect, it's so worth it if you try. People cannot read each others minds, we really need to communicate if we want to be heard. Hope all works out.

p.s.: on a side note, the winter blahs always seems to make things worst, talk and wait til spring before you do anything rash.

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