Another word for "fetish" is "addiction." Obviously he is overly obsessed with women's feet to the point of compulsion. He needs to seek help in not only figuring out why he has it, but in how to deal with it in a socially acceptable way. But getting him to realize that and seek help will be the hard part. He likely doesn't see anything wrong with it, only that you don't like it.

None of this excuses his insensitivity to your feelings. While feet are not sexual organs, they can in cases like his elicit sexual arousal and an intimate connection with the OW, a connection that should be reserved for his spouse. At a minimum, it is an emotional affair. Especially from your perspective where you understood his attention to your feet to demonstrate his love to you in a special way.

The only thing you can do is be up front and honest with him. Make it clear in both words and actions how his obsession with women's feet is damaging your relationship, and if he doesn't see that reality and seek serious help to bring that under control, your marriage will likely end in divorce. You might want to review the 180 article in the "News" section of this group, and the "Healing Steps for the CS" and the BS articles to gain a better handle on how to deal with this both in attitude and actions that convey, "Shape up or we'll be shipping out."

Sorry you're going through this, like so many of us. May God give you wisdom.

THANK you for this. I have been struggling with this foot thing for EVER! Every single search I've done on google makes this an acceptable normal thing. Apparently it is no different that a chest or behind. the more I read up on how "normal" this is the more I feel "abnormal". Today was the Hit him with an iron pan day, because it really feels to me like everytime he ogles a women's feet, he is cheating on me. I've tried witholding my feet, but then feared that it is going to make it worse. Of course he also played with the woman's feet who he cheated with me on. So every time we are intimate and he starts playing with my feet, the agonizing pain I feel in my heart is excruciating! Last weekend we went to Costco and I told him to be honest with me, because I figured if I can just wrap my head around this, I can let go of my insecurities. He would never comment on the women's feet, he would say, wow she is wearing really sexy sandals, they would look so good on YOUR feet. Like REALLY! He acts like he is just casually noticing their shoes, and trying to tell me it is no big deal. His first experience with feet was apparently when he was 3 years old, and the old lady that took care of him, allowed him to bite and lick and play with her feet??? This I just found out recently. Have no clue what that means.

Oh and he says he doesn't physically get "aroused" by looking at feet, they just "intrigue" him?

OH yes, and the fact that the woman he had the affair with had really UGLY feet, is supposed to make me feel better.

Oh and yes, I did absolutely NOTHING today BUT read every single article in the news section, some made me cry, some made me angry, and a LOT of it I copied and pasted and emailed it to him. I thank you for this site. You are literally saving me from depression and help keep my sanity. All that counciling don't seem so wonderful today. We weren't councilled by Christians or rather believers. I have somewhat of an issue with the word christian because most of my damage came from christians in churches. So I prefer calling myself a believer in God, Jesus and the Holy spirit. I tend to run the opposite direction if someone introduces themself to me and in the same breath say they are christian. I believe you are a true christion mr Cole50 because of what you do here.

Cole and I have been talking about this. I am his W and CS. He likes butts. Not really a fetish so to speak. Once in a while he might mention that someone has a cute butt. Often I will agree with him. I have occasionally pointed out a cute one to him. It's a silly kind of thing really. Probably not that much different from a foot fetish, just a different body part, depending on how consumed he is with it.

Here is the problem though. There are certain body types of men that I find sexy. Prior to my A, I might say something about a man being sexy, even to my H. Now, I won't. In fact, if I see a man and think to myself that he is sexy, I will then say to myself, "stop it!"

for me, it's because things change after an A. Now, I am like an alcoholic who must forever think of themselves as a recovering alcoholic and must now have stricter boundaries and safeguards then others who are not alcoholics. I may still occasionally be tempted to think the way I did before but now I need to fight it. I have to discipline myself against it.

Taking this "guarding my thoughts" to a bit of an extreme is what has helped myself and my H build not only trust but a sense of safety from a future mess up. Not only do I have to build that in my M, but also within my own self.

We are slightly over 2 years from Dday as well. Your H needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For the Unfaithful. This book is essential for the CS who is trying to rebuild. It is available in audio format as well. This book will help him make sure he is doing what is necessary to help you heal.

In addition to that, however, he must learn to resist attraction to other women. Feet or any other body part. It's natural to feel attraction, yes, it's gonna happen sometimes but there is no need to nurture that. With practice we can learn to just say NO, and redirect the thoughts. I am getting better and better at it. A rubber band around the wrist helps to "snap" out of it. I wear one all the time.

I hope he is willing to work on this and continue to do whatever it takes to help you heal and to address the issues that cause him to be unfaithful, even in the earliest stages when most people might not consider it unfaithfulness.

"Oh and he says he doesn't physically get "aroused" by looking at feet, they just "intrigue" him?"

"he would say, wow she is wearing really sexy sandals..."

By 'sexual arousal' I wasn't necessarily referring to whether he got a "rise" from looking at women's feet or not. Rather, that he found them sexually attractive and desirable. His statement to you would indicate it does give him some aroused feelings or they would probably not be all that "interesting" to him.

Let me put this in another frame of reference. Before my W's A, she would look at certain men and think they were sexy. I'm not sure what exactly about them made her think they were sexy, but it attracted her attention. The man she originally started an affair with she showed me his picture at one point (pre-A) and said something like, "Isn't he adorable?" What I saw was a redneck guy. Not adorable to me at all. But even before their A got underway, she was "smitten" by him. Or to put it another popular way, they had a "chemistry."

During her A time (about 7 months total), she regularly not only noticed sexy men, but mentally undressed them in her mind, wondering what they would be like, etc.

Now post-A, she's retrained her mind to not go there. If she notices a man as sexy, she snaps the rubber band around her wrist and forces herself to not think about it. But I can tell you if she now regularly stared at men and commented to me on how adorable they were, our rebuilding would not have proceeded as well as it has.

Because he finds feet attractive and is one of the things he liked about the OW's "assets", that becomes one of the thinking patterns that produces a higher risk of reoccurrence if he doesn't bring it under control. At a minimum, he should be sensitive to the fact that this would be a trigger for you and avoid mentioning it.

Pre-A, it may have seemed like an innocent thing. So he likes to look at feet. Big deal. But I can bet one of the draws for his affair, ugly feet to you or not, is that he was attracted to her feet. Post-A, his "interest" in other women's feet is not a destabilizing factor in rebuilding trust in the marriage. No matter how innocent it may have been, now it cannot be interpreted so innocently. That he must curb his obsession with noticing women's feet is part of his cost in repairing what he broke. If not for himself, then for you and the marriage. Assuming he really wants to keep it.

"Post-A, his "interest" in other women's feet is not a destabilizing factor in rebuilding trust in the marriage."

From context, you probably figured out I meant to say, "...is a destabilizing factor...." Threw in one too many negatives.

Thank you SO much Cole and Gabrielle. I can imagine the amount of time you must spend answering all these questions. Actually I have an idea of the time, becauseI have a fitness channel and facebook group and sometimes I want to run away from all the questions:) I am a figure athlete and personal trainer. Only reason I told you all this nonsense is to tell you that I appreciate what you do MORE than you can ever realize. For me it sometimes becomes overwhelming and I have to step away, and it can be emotionally draining, and just know, that you will be rewarded for what you are doing.... God sees it all. I hope you find countless blessings through this, in your own lives. Things are a bit better at the moment, because we did NOTHING but talk this whole weekend. I literally explained to him where I am coming from and got a very interesting response. He told me he wondered if you can be born with an "addiction" so to speak (he is also a recovering alcoholic) 2 years sober. He was drinking heavily before during and after the affair and figure this. The whole world knew except me. I am kind of anosmic (have chronic sinusitus and can't smell anything)... go figure. Anyhow, he told me his first experience with feet was with a caretaker when he was three years old. He found her feet fascinating, and one day she said that he could play with her feet. So he literally fondled her feed, and licked them and chewed on them. I did not get angry, but had a really hard time explaining to him that there is something VERY WRONG with that picture. He was never diagnosed with aspbergers but I swear he has it. My son has aspbergers and nobody in MY family has it. Him and his father has all the same responses and behaviours. Reason I am telling you THAT, is because sometimes it takes my husband years to realize after much much repetition and to "GET" what you are saying. We had a great marraige prior to 2009. Stress took over from work and everything went downhill from there. Then depression set in, as well as drinking and then the affair. after finding out about the affair and before I found out about the alcoholism, he tried to commit suicide twice. So in stead of me healing from the affair for the past two years, I was forced to put it aside and literally spent this time as a "caregiver" preventing him from drinking and killing himself until he got better. Now that he is better and on no more pills and with support from AA etc, he is back to the man I remembered years ago, however, NOW that I can relax for the first time, all of a sudden it is like I just found out about the affair a week ago. Because I could never go through the stages of moarning, and basically was forced to be ok (could never say anything or complain about the affair or the suicide attempts and didn't want to piss him off in case he went and did it again, I had to live this "perfect" life being the "perfect" wife and never doing anything wrong. So as I said, finally my husband is "normal" again, but now I am getting a turn, and I am back in the turmoil I was in the three days after D-day and before the suicide attempt. At the suicide attempt, all my feelings halted.

Yes, sounds like you delayed dealing with your own grief. Best to do that now, but can look like a big set back to the CS if they think you've been doing fine.

What we've gone through, like so many others here, is horrible and life changing. It has been our hope that what we've learned can help others. One of the main reasons we wrote a book, "Healing Infidelity," telling our story and what we learned. Many of the articles you read are in it.

http://www.healinginfidelity.com/index.php?currdir=&currfile=Our+Book.html

So we look at this as a way to pay it forward.