Bump. Anyone had any thoughts on this? I gave you almost a month and a half! ;)

Honestly, I'd forgotten about it. But I do think it would be a good article to write.

how about the triggers that may present themselves daily? how a day can be going great,and then boom a random thought goes thru your head like "did he rub her hand with his thumb like he does mine when we hold hands?" or "did he kiss her the way he kisses me?"
or the constant thought of "how was the op ever worth inflicting this kind of pain on the bs?"
i didnt see this earlier lol

Good points, at least to help a CS who isn't getting it, get it. I think some of that as far as how it applies to the BS's need to talk about it, could factor in what not to talk about just as much as what to talk about. Too much details like that can be more triggery for the BS than not enough. Depends, I think, on one's active imagination. Some say what they image is worse than the reality once they find out.

I guess that would play into where BSs are different. Personally, I wouldn't want to know if he kissed her the way I do. Actually, because my wife has been so open, telling me things I didn't even ask, I know. He refused to use the tongue. She likes my kisses better. :) But really, the main reason she hooked onto a relationship with him wasn't the sex and kisses, though in her cheating fog, she wanted the experience of sex with another man. But she knows sex with him wouldn't have been fulfilling. He was literally the "wham, bam, thank you mam" type person. He never satisfied her like I did. But he did do something I was physically unable to do. But we'll leave it at that.

No, what she really got from her relationship with him was companionship, which I was lacking. He did things with her. And it was because of that, that the sex came into the picture.

Anyway, getting off topic! But yes, including the triggers, the imagination of what the spouse perceives is happening that tends to be much worse than the reality is a good reason to tell him or her the reality. But it is a two-edged sword. Sometimes, the reality may create worse triggers and imagination, fearing what they are not telling you. Because what CS is going to tell their BS spouse, "Oh man, when she kissed me, it sent me through the roof! I've never been kissed like that in my life!" They'd be out on the porch with all their belongings before they could bat an eye if they said that. So naturally they're going to say, "Na, didn't really like it." So we can really never know if they are telling the truth on things like that.

LOL nope i didnt need the dirty details but, i dont think they realize,especially in the beginning how often those thoughts flow through the bs brain. my h read my journal that i meticilously (sp?) write in everytime i have a trigger....he was shocked and i really think a bulb went on in his head

I'm a CS... Well a cheating boy friend. I feel terrible. I didn't recognize or respect her pain and efforts and now she's gone. The biggest thing that a CS can know, is that if the BS's efforts aren't appreciated, then they'll leave. My girl friend is gone, and while we didn't have a life together, we were in love. I was too selfish and too arrogant to give myself, fully, to her and now she's gone. That's what CS's need to know.

Thanks for the feedback, anderson. Good point, that you never know where someone's "last straw" is. String them along for too long, and you've lost them. It happens, as you know.

Sorry for your loss, but sounds like perhaps you've learned some lessons from it as well. Work on yourself and prepare yourself to be the giving spouse of whoever your future wife will be.

I will. It's a very difficult and painful lesson to learn but a necessary one. Thank you for your kind words.

Has there been an article adressing Cheaters' Guilt as in past DD tense? I'd be interested in reading what you have to say about this topic. My H struggles with his guilt. And, he's probably struggling with it more than he's admitting to me. His guilt makes him angry. And, he's angry often and he gets angry at things that most people take casually. Which makes me think that he is probably experiencing cheaters' guilt even more than he's letting on or that I'm aware of.

What is the DD tense? I'm not very adept with the acronyms that these websites use yet. His anger needs to be dealt with. I believe it is a manifestation of his pride and unwillingness to truly come to terms with what he has done. I was getting angry and impatient with what people would tell me and I ended up losing the woman I love. It's difficult but it's necessary. The people forgiving him and trying to trust him again are putting in a far greater effort than he is. All he has to do is be accountable and faithful and trustworthy. The people forgiving him have to try to cope with the pain and betrayal that his actions have caused. That's an incredible gesture on their part and needs to be respected and appreciated.

dd-discovery date
a-affair
ea-emotional affair
pa-physical affair
cs-cheating spouse
bs-cheating spouse
ow-other woman
om-other man
oc-other child(if a child came from the result of an affair)

Thank you, Anderson :)

lovemarriage,

Good topic suggestion. I've addressed it to a small degree in the forgiveness article, see the table of contents:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/4066070

Also, the stages of grief article could address it to some degree as well. But it would be good to have an article specifically on that for CSs. I know Gabi has dealt with that a lot, and she would be a good one to write it. But I'm still trying to get her to write the one on healing from adultery for the CS. :)

That said, the Christian faith has a lot to help when it comes in dealing with guilt. So there's plenty I could probably say about it from that perspective.