Healing Infidelity Through Faith Community Group
A place for those experiencing infidelity, rebuilding from infidelity, or dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, both unfaithful and hurt partners, and to be free to express how our faith, primarily Christians but others are also welcome, has or is being used to deal with our issues and hurts. All posters are expected to be respectful of each others faith experiences...
What books have you read that you've found especially helpful?
We've read the standards. Not Just Friends, which I highly recommend. In many ways, I think that should be required reading for pre-marital counseling as to what constitutes adultery.
Another book that has changed our marriage is "His Needs, Her Needs." It goes into a lot of the marital issues that engender romantic love (or not) and how that can help in the healing process of an affair and increase the odds you'll come out of it in a good way, and in love.
We also read "After the Affair." Good in some ways, but I didn't agree with some points the author makes, who is not a Christian, apparently. She recommends, for instance, spicing up the marriage with porn. Not helpful, in my opinion. She also seems to say that affairs are caused by unmet needs in the marriage, which isn't always true. Sometimes they are personal issues having little to do with the marriage itself. As a matter of fact, I would suggest that personal issues are at the core of all affairs, whereas marital problems are simply a vehicle to respond to in an improper way due to those personal issues.
But my other main beef with her was the ambiguity about the "blame" of the BS in the affair. Though there is a time or two where she seems to make this distinction, between marital problems they were facing and the decision of the CS to have an affair, most of the time it sounds as if she is attributing some of the blame for the affair to the BS as well. Don't know if this was intentional or just happened, but she seems to conflate the two factors into one aspect, and so at times is telling the BS to accept their part in the spouse having an affair, when what she is talking about is accepting blame for the problems in the marriage, which may have tempted the CS to have an affair. Big difference she fails to consistently make through the book.
After the Affair has some good stuff in it, but read it knowing that going into it. It isn't perfect.
A good book for the CS who is committed to rebuilding, is a book my wife is reading now. Called: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful Spouse."
So far, about a 1/3rd way into this short book, she is spot on about what the BS needs from their CS to heal. And what so many times doesn't happen as we see on these forums. I'll update when we finish it, or if I run across anything off, but so far, a recommended read for CSs who desire to "get it" and help their BS move on.
Any other books? We're also in the middle of reading "The 5 Love Languages." Also very good, and interesting in comparing that with "His Needs, Her Needs."
We've read the standards. Not Just Friends, which I highly recommend. In many ways, I think that should be required reading for pre-marital counseling as to what constitutes adultery.
Another book that has changed our marriage is "His Needs, Her Needs." It goes into a lot of the marital issues that engender romantic love (or not) and how that can help in the healing process of an affair and increase the odds you'll come out of it in a good way, and in love.
We also read "After the Affair." Good in some ways, but I didn't agree with some points the author makes, who is not a Christian, apparently. She recommends, for instance, spicing up the marriage with porn. Not helpful, in my opinion. She also seems to say that affairs are caused by unmet needs in the marriage, which isn't always true. Sometimes they are personal issues having little to do with the marriage itself. As a matter of fact, I would suggest that personal issues are at the core of all affairs, whereas marital problems are simply a vehicle to respond to in an improper way due to those personal issues.
But my other main beef with her was the ambiguity about the "blame" of the BS in the affair. Though there is a time or two where she seems to make this distinction, between marital problems they were facing and the decision of the CS to have an affair, most of the time it sounds as if she is attributing some of the blame for the affair to the BS as well. Don't know if this was intentional or just happened, but she seems to conflate the two factors into one aspect, and so at times is telling the BS to accept their part in the spouse having an affair, when what she is talking about is accepting blame for the problems in the marriage, which may have tempted the CS to have an affair. Big difference she fails to consistently make through the book.
After the Affair has some good stuff in it, but read it knowing that going into it. It isn't perfect.
A good book for the CS who is committed to rebuilding, is a book my wife is reading now. Called: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful Spouse."
So far, about a 1/3rd way into this short book, she is spot on about what the BS needs from their CS to heal. And what so many times doesn't happen as we see on these forums. I'll update when we finish it, or if I run across anything off, but so far, a recommended read for CSs who desire to "get it" and help their BS move on.
Any other books? We're also in the middle of reading "The 5 Love Languages." Also very good, and interesting in comparing that with "His Needs, Her Needs."
deleted_user
I have read His Needs, Her Needs as well as His Needs, Her Needs for Parents...both really good books. Another book worth reading by the same author ( Dr. Willard Harley ) is Surviving An Affair. If you've read his other books its somewhat repetitive, but ( as a betrayed spouse ) I found it very helpful. I just finished reading Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, and I'm going to go back through it and do the workbook. I thought it was pretty good, although some of it was a bit confusing...still helpful information though. The book I have found the most helpful, though, is Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver. Mona was the betrayed spouse, and I so very much identified with a lot of her feelings and actions. I helped hearing Gary's perspective too. They didn't sugarcoat anything...it was very raw and real. They didn't make Gary out to be evil and depict Mona as a saint, but they also didn't excuse Gary's behavior or place the blame anywhere other than on Gary, where the blame belonged. I highly recommend this book for both spouses. My husband has never been much of a reader, but I'm hoping he'll read it too.
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