Healing Infidelity Through Faith Community Group
A place for those experiencing infidelity, rebuilding from infidelity, or dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, both unfaithful and hurt partners, and to be free to express how our faith, primarily Christians but others are also welcome, has or is being used to deal with our issues and hurts. All posters are expected to be respectful of each others faith experiences...
One of the conclusions I've come to in going through the whole infidelity issue is a stronger sense of both what marriage is and how our society's cultural values tend to undermine it. This is a little bit of a long article, just as a warning.
In this day and age, many who have yet to marry someone thing there is nothing wrong with having sex with whoever you wish. Even among many Christians, while nodding in agreement that fornication is bad, will consider teens having sex as inevitable. Who remains a virgin until they're married anymore?
Is it no wonder why so many get married and then find that attitude hard to shut off simply because they made a commitment? Especially if that activity before marriage became a hard-to-break habit or hard times hits the marriage and that "for better or worse" commitment feels too confining. Couple that with so many cultural messages that guys can cheat as long as they don't get caught, growing up in cheating households so it seems to be the normal marital relationship, and the justification of what marriage is and what sex is about, and you have a recipe for many broken homes and marriages.
The big disconnect that I see is the lack of understanding the relationship between marriage and sex. Sex in our society is generally understood as first an enjoyable activity that ideally you do with someone you love. Much like going to see a movie is fun, but even better to go see it with someone you enjoy spending time with.
But there is a big, big difference. Going to see a movie doesn't produce children and create a family. My understanding after having studied this for years, and now within the context of infidelity, is that sex does what it has historically always done: consummate a marriage. It can never be done in isolation from that bond it creates. Which means that every sex act a teen or pre-legal-marriage couple have is the consummation of a marriage. And any subsequent sex acts with another is adultery.
This is made clear when Jesus talked about adultery:
They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to put her away." And Jesus answered and said to them, "In view of your hardheartedness he wrote this commandment for you. But from the beginning of the creation, God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has united together, let not man separate." (Mar 10:4-9 EMTV)
The "two shall become one flesh" is frequently cited as relating to marriage in Genesis and by Jesus here. This details the essence of what marriage is about. But what does it mean? The Jewish understanding has been that Adam and Eve both came from one body, and marriage was designed to unite them back into one body. But obviously this does not happen literally. Or does it?
Yes, it does, in the child produced from the act of sexual union. A child contains the DNA of both husband and wife, and can be literally said to be the two becoming one. It is not the reality that a couple has a child that makes one then married, but by participating in an act of life-creation. By the couple doing the activity which can and does bring forth oneness of the two flesh in a new life, whether or not it is ever realized in an actual child, bonds the two individuals as one. Both for the purpose of uniting back to oneness in life and companionship ("It is not good for man to be alone."), but also in the procreation of the literal fulfillment of the two becoming one flesh though a child.
And you'll note, that the act of sex which brings about the oneness of the two individuals is followed by Jesus with, "What God has united together, let not man separate." IOW, once that bond has been formed, it should not be broken, for God now considers the couple "married." Any act of sex with another person, though not legally or socially a marriage, is one by becoming one flesh with that person. Such is not the fullness of marriage by any means, which makes the physical marriage all the more of a violation for it becomes a joke. The meaning and reality of what is being done degrades the value of sex as a bonding in marriage to another, especially when it is broken repeatedly, multiple times, all to have a good time. It means nothing more than going to see a movie with a good friend does.
To see this, it is helpful to know how marriage ceremonies were done in biblical times. Over the years, it varied in one point or another, but the above principles are consistent. First came the betrothal. This isn't like our current engagement, but a legal contract for the two parties to be married. And for all legal purposes, once the betrothal was done and witnessed (not by a state...that came much later), the couple were considered married and any sex with another was considered adultery. If either party wanted to not go through with it, they had to get a divorce, even before the wedding ceremony. This was the contractual part of the marriage. They were pledged to each other, and to break the contract had consequences. But, marriage was not complete until the wedding, which could be as short as a few months to as long as a year in most cases.
At the wedding, there are prayers prayed over wine. The ceremonies varied here and became more formalized as it became expected that rabbis would officiate. In Jesus' day, it was not a given as it was not prescribed by the Jewish law that a rabbi had to be there. But at one point, the couple would retire to a special room to consummate the marriage. A cloth would be thrown out showing her blood, indicating she was a virgin. At this point, the marriage was fulfilled, and the wedding would continue for several days with a lot of partying.
The act of the couple going into a private room to consummate the marriage with sexual intercourse is still done in modern Jewish wedding ceremonies, though symbolically:
"After the ceremony ends, the bride and groom retire to a private room, called Heder Yichud, to symbolically "consummate" the marriage. In the room, the couple breaks their fast and takes a few moments to relax together before going to greet all the wedding guests at the party."
http://judaism.about.com/od/weddings/ss/wedding_how_9.htm
Point being, there are several ways that a couple becomes one. Legally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically. It is expected that by the time one physically unites as one, that the others will be in place so that the act is fulfilling a reality and not a sham. But let's reverse this. If you have all the other unions save the physical one, what do you have? You have two people who are in love, that is, a very strong friendship (it is hoped) of the most intimate and strong kind, who have maybe committed themselves to certain legal agreements, sharing of lives and living, etc., but without becoming one flesh. Without the possibility of generating life from the union of the two to potentially create one flesh.
What you are left with is a very strong friendship with some legal commitments, but you do not have what God understands as marriage, that is, the two becoming one flesh. Consummating the marriage with sex ties all the commitments and pledges and seals the union by participating together in the potential creation of one flesh. Without it, the concept of marriage falls apart, and there isn't a real marital union.
Therefore, to have sex with another is to consummate a marriage with them. While the concept of not falling in love with someone, but just having sex with them is true, as some unfaithful spouses say, the reason that sexual intercourse with someone other than ones spouse is considered adultery is because you have literally married another person. It may not be emotional for the person(s) involved, but it should be, because they are eternally united themselves before God as one flesh. And whether a person feels any love in that or not is irrelevant to what they are actually doing. Not loving the affair partner is better as far as dealing with the rebuilding, but it divorces ones spouse and marries another all the same.
Because our society, even among Christians, has lost this understanding of what sex is about in relation to marriage, that we have not only high rates of "one flesh" children born outside of a family structure, abortions, and low moral standards as to reserving ones self for ones future spouse, but we also have such a high rate of infidelity and adultery once people are legally married to someone. Because all that is left is a commitment made on a piece of paper with the state and vows in a ceremony, but no commitment and value attached to the act of sex itself beyond having a good time. Too many view marriage as nothing more than a legal agreement governed by the state, and/or a socially acceptable way to have sex with someone you feel you care about. When the caring is no longer there, when the romance has died, then the point of marriage and sex seem to demand one to find it where you can, since the spouse is no longer providing what they felt the purpose of marriage to be.
Thoughts and reactions?
In this day and age, many who have yet to marry someone thing there is nothing wrong with having sex with whoever you wish. Even among many Christians, while nodding in agreement that fornication is bad, will consider teens having sex as inevitable. Who remains a virgin until they're married anymore?
Is it no wonder why so many get married and then find that attitude hard to shut off simply because they made a commitment? Especially if that activity before marriage became a hard-to-break habit or hard times hits the marriage and that "for better or worse" commitment feels too confining. Couple that with so many cultural messages that guys can cheat as long as they don't get caught, growing up in cheating households so it seems to be the normal marital relationship, and the justification of what marriage is and what sex is about, and you have a recipe for many broken homes and marriages.
The big disconnect that I see is the lack of understanding the relationship between marriage and sex. Sex in our society is generally understood as first an enjoyable activity that ideally you do with someone you love. Much like going to see a movie is fun, but even better to go see it with someone you enjoy spending time with.
But there is a big, big difference. Going to see a movie doesn't produce children and create a family. My understanding after having studied this for years, and now within the context of infidelity, is that sex does what it has historically always done: consummate a marriage. It can never be done in isolation from that bond it creates. Which means that every sex act a teen or pre-legal-marriage couple have is the consummation of a marriage. And any subsequent sex acts with another is adultery.
This is made clear when Jesus talked about adultery:
They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to put her away." And Jesus answered and said to them, "In view of your hardheartedness he wrote this commandment for you. But from the beginning of the creation, God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has united together, let not man separate." (Mar 10:4-9 EMTV)
The "two shall become one flesh" is frequently cited as relating to marriage in Genesis and by Jesus here. This details the essence of what marriage is about. But what does it mean? The Jewish understanding has been that Adam and Eve both came from one body, and marriage was designed to unite them back into one body. But obviously this does not happen literally. Or does it?
Yes, it does, in the child produced from the act of sexual union. A child contains the DNA of both husband and wife, and can be literally said to be the two becoming one. It is not the reality that a couple has a child that makes one then married, but by participating in an act of life-creation. By the couple doing the activity which can and does bring forth oneness of the two flesh in a new life, whether or not it is ever realized in an actual child, bonds the two individuals as one. Both for the purpose of uniting back to oneness in life and companionship ("It is not good for man to be alone."), but also in the procreation of the literal fulfillment of the two becoming one flesh though a child.
And you'll note, that the act of sex which brings about the oneness of the two individuals is followed by Jesus with, "What God has united together, let not man separate." IOW, once that bond has been formed, it should not be broken, for God now considers the couple "married." Any act of sex with another person, though not legally or socially a marriage, is one by becoming one flesh with that person. Such is not the fullness of marriage by any means, which makes the physical marriage all the more of a violation for it becomes a joke. The meaning and reality of what is being done degrades the value of sex as a bonding in marriage to another, especially when it is broken repeatedly, multiple times, all to have a good time. It means nothing more than going to see a movie with a good friend does.
To see this, it is helpful to know how marriage ceremonies were done in biblical times. Over the years, it varied in one point or another, but the above principles are consistent. First came the betrothal. This isn't like our current engagement, but a legal contract for the two parties to be married. And for all legal purposes, once the betrothal was done and witnessed (not by a state...that came much later), the couple were considered married and any sex with another was considered adultery. If either party wanted to not go through with it, they had to get a divorce, even before the wedding ceremony. This was the contractual part of the marriage. They were pledged to each other, and to break the contract had consequences. But, marriage was not complete until the wedding, which could be as short as a few months to as long as a year in most cases.
At the wedding, there are prayers prayed over wine. The ceremonies varied here and became more formalized as it became expected that rabbis would officiate. In Jesus' day, it was not a given as it was not prescribed by the Jewish law that a rabbi had to be there. But at one point, the couple would retire to a special room to consummate the marriage. A cloth would be thrown out showing her blood, indicating she was a virgin. At this point, the marriage was fulfilled, and the wedding would continue for several days with a lot of partying.
The act of the couple going into a private room to consummate the marriage with sexual intercourse is still done in modern Jewish wedding ceremonies, though symbolically:
"After the ceremony ends, the bride and groom retire to a private room, called Heder Yichud, to symbolically "consummate" the marriage. In the room, the couple breaks their fast and takes a few moments to relax together before going to greet all the wedding guests at the party."
http://judaism.about.com/od/weddings/ss/wedding_how_9.htm
Point being, there are several ways that a couple becomes one. Legally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically. It is expected that by the time one physically unites as one, that the others will be in place so that the act is fulfilling a reality and not a sham. But let's reverse this. If you have all the other unions save the physical one, what do you have? You have two people who are in love, that is, a very strong friendship (it is hoped) of the most intimate and strong kind, who have maybe committed themselves to certain legal agreements, sharing of lives and living, etc., but without becoming one flesh. Without the possibility of generating life from the union of the two to potentially create one flesh.
What you are left with is a very strong friendship with some legal commitments, but you do not have what God understands as marriage, that is, the two becoming one flesh. Consummating the marriage with sex ties all the commitments and pledges and seals the union by participating together in the potential creation of one flesh. Without it, the concept of marriage falls apart, and there isn't a real marital union.
Therefore, to have sex with another is to consummate a marriage with them. While the concept of not falling in love with someone, but just having sex with them is true, as some unfaithful spouses say, the reason that sexual intercourse with someone other than ones spouse is considered adultery is because you have literally married another person. It may not be emotional for the person(s) involved, but it should be, because they are eternally united themselves before God as one flesh. And whether a person feels any love in that or not is irrelevant to what they are actually doing. Not loving the affair partner is better as far as dealing with the rebuilding, but it divorces ones spouse and marries another all the same.
Because our society, even among Christians, has lost this understanding of what sex is about in relation to marriage, that we have not only high rates of "one flesh" children born outside of a family structure, abortions, and low moral standards as to reserving ones self for ones future spouse, but we also have such a high rate of infidelity and adultery once people are legally married to someone. Because all that is left is a commitment made on a piece of paper with the state and vows in a ceremony, but no commitment and value attached to the act of sex itself beyond having a good time. Too many view marriage as nothing more than a legal agreement governed by the state, and/or a socially acceptable way to have sex with someone you feel you care about. When the caring is no longer there, when the romance has died, then the point of marriage and sex seem to demand one to find it where you can, since the spouse is no longer providing what they felt the purpose of marriage to be.
Thoughts and reactions?
I've accepted it. It happened. Can't change that. All I can do is go forward. But yeah, that sucks. But we are building a good future together as well, and have gained a lot in the process. So the pain is there, but also the joy and hope. It is no longer the "ideal." I had that for 28.5 years. We still drifted apart. Now we're closer in a lot of ways than we've ever been. You lose some and gain some. The problems come when you get a year or two down the road and don't feel like you've gained anything, just lost a lot.
Yet, if we did the same to them, they woudn't think so. Being with someone else like he did and the things they did together has made OUR relationship not so special now. After all, how special can it be if he would do it with anyone? I haven't been able to get it back. Its been years since Dday and I can't get it back. Nothing is 'ours' anymore. He even told me that we should part because I need to be with someone who hasn't hurt m like he has. I think he's right. I will never feel the same way about him. Its his loss. Its my loss, since I'm the one who feels it. He never knew or appreciated what he had ( my love), until it was gone. Now he wishes for it more than anything. He had it. He had it ALL and didn't take care of it. The flirting with other women was so important to him then. While he was cheating, he lost me...and when he finally turned around and realized what he had done, my honor and respect for him went away. We could have had it all, he just didn't want it badly enough.
To put it in context of the article, you remarry him back by having sex with him. But that is purely on the physical level, there is still the emotional level to heal, which often takes longer. But by having sex, he in effect is "divorcing" the OP and recommitting himself to you...maritally.
This is why when Gabi wanted sex on dday, at first I wasn't sure if I could. I only moved forward after she gave me a solid commitment that she would never do this to me again. Without that assurance from her, I didn't feel comfortable recommitting myself to her by "taking her back" from OM since he was the last one to have sex with her at that point.
It doesn't erase the fact she joined with another, but I felt I could only heal from that if I was safe that she was committed to not allowing it to happen again and doing all in her power to make it so. If she failed by having another affair, then she'd had her chance and the terms of marrying her back again would be much harder, if at all.
IOW, she had to prove herself over the next months and years. To prove that those seven months were an aberration instead of a new outlook on life and our marriage she had adopted.
Where your emotional healing will come into it won't follow mine, and may not be able to happen at all. I don't know not being in your shoes. You have more to deal with than me.
But the bottom line answer is it isn't fixed by changing what happened, but by building something new, if at all possible. That can only happen if you feel safe going forward. What you need to feel safe will depend a lot on you, and is particular to each individual.
The real question I hear you asking is if you couldn't trust him to do the right thing when you thought you were safe, what do you point to to say, "Okay, I can see a way to trust him again, and give this another go, this can be redeemed"? Your struggling to find that support because it is so hard to reconcile what happened with what is being said, done, and presented now. It may take a lot of time and some intensive work on his part to help you find that safe place where you can trust again, if you can find it.
Needhelp - You expressed exactly what has happened with us. My wife has said the exact same things and you're right. You hit the nail on the head with me when you said:
"He never knew or appreciated what he had ( my love), until it was gone. Now he wishes for it more than anything. He had it. He had it ALL and didn't take care of it. The flirting with other women was so important to him then. While he was cheating, he lost me...and when he finally turned around and realized what he had done, my honor and respect for him went away. We could have had it all, he just didn't want it badly enough."
Thank you both for opening my eyes even further than they've been opened already.