Healing Infidelity Through Faith Community Group
A place for those experiencing infidelity, rebuilding from infidelity, or dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, both unfaithful and hurt partners, and to be free to express how our faith, primarily Christians but others are also welcome, has or is being used to deal with our issues and hurts. All posters are expected to be respectful of each others faith experiences...
Been quite here for a while, but I've had a topic I thought would be good to discuss here.
Luke 6:36-37 says:
Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.
There are several more verses like this one, both in the gospels and the epistles. It is a common theme. There are also, however, verses which do say we are to judge each other in certain matters. Like 1 Cor 5:11-13:
But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat. For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do not ye judge them that are within? But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.
Consequently, it has been easy for someone in the mindset to judge to latch onto verses like the last one and ignore those like the first. This is especially a big temptation in infidelity.
Granted, most of us tend to go through a time of anger about the whole betrayal. It is one of the bigger pains of life to be betrayed by the one you love and trusted with your heart. It is part of the process of healing from what I've called the ICU in the aftermath of discovering an affair.
But there tend to be two reactions to this pain which are unhealthy both for rebuilding and for one's soul.
One is to believe the CS who might lay the blame for the affair on the BS because of X, Y, or Z problems in the marriage. It is easy for a BS to believe there is something wrong with them, that the CS wouldn't have cheated if only they'd been a better spouse. Society tends to support this false notion as well. One person told me upon finding out about my wife's affair, "That was good. Your marriage needed some shaking up." Indicating that I needed to be shaken up to invest in my marriage more fully. She's right I had areas to improve. She's wrong that the affair was a good route to that end, or to imply it was justified because of those areas of lack. But it is a temptation for the BS to go there because as long as it is something *I* did, then it is something *I* can fix. If not, then the solution is out of our hands and we don't have control, however deceived we might be about the amount of control we have.
The other is a bigger problem that often doesn't get talked about, but is just as insidious and hurtful to our souls and marriage. That's when the BS, due to the magnitude of their pain, judges the CS in a way that makes them morally superior and throws all their own faults and short comings in a closet. Some BSs use it as a "can't criticize me" card, because no matter what the BS has done, it can't be as bad as what the CS did, so the A trumps all other issues. The BS might hold the A and the pain the CS caused them over their heads for as long as the CS will take it, to leverage power, manipulate, and control.
Such BSs fall into the trap of judging which I believe Jesus was warning us about. It stems from an attitude of pride, moral superiority, and lack of mercy and forgiveness. Some BSs it is obvious that is going on. For many others, I think we sometimes fall into this sin in more subtle ways that we ourselves don't recognize. Being a victim has its benefits in terms of pride and playing on the sense of being wronged, and wanting payment for it.
Where do you see judging to be a problem or good thing? When does it cross the line Jesus warned us about? And keep in mind the following in evaluating this as well:
For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged. (1 Cor 11:31)
Use this not to judge other BSs, but our own selves.
Luke 6:36-37 says:
Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.
There are several more verses like this one, both in the gospels and the epistles. It is a common theme. There are also, however, verses which do say we are to judge each other in certain matters. Like 1 Cor 5:11-13:
But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat. For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do not ye judge them that are within? But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.
Consequently, it has been easy for someone in the mindset to judge to latch onto verses like the last one and ignore those like the first. This is especially a big temptation in infidelity.
Granted, most of us tend to go through a time of anger about the whole betrayal. It is one of the bigger pains of life to be betrayed by the one you love and trusted with your heart. It is part of the process of healing from what I've called the ICU in the aftermath of discovering an affair.
But there tend to be two reactions to this pain which are unhealthy both for rebuilding and for one's soul.
One is to believe the CS who might lay the blame for the affair on the BS because of X, Y, or Z problems in the marriage. It is easy for a BS to believe there is something wrong with them, that the CS wouldn't have cheated if only they'd been a better spouse. Society tends to support this false notion as well. One person told me upon finding out about my wife's affair, "That was good. Your marriage needed some shaking up." Indicating that I needed to be shaken up to invest in my marriage more fully. She's right I had areas to improve. She's wrong that the affair was a good route to that end, or to imply it was justified because of those areas of lack. But it is a temptation for the BS to go there because as long as it is something *I* did, then it is something *I* can fix. If not, then the solution is out of our hands and we don't have control, however deceived we might be about the amount of control we have.
The other is a bigger problem that often doesn't get talked about, but is just as insidious and hurtful to our souls and marriage. That's when the BS, due to the magnitude of their pain, judges the CS in a way that makes them morally superior and throws all their own faults and short comings in a closet. Some BSs use it as a "can't criticize me" card, because no matter what the BS has done, it can't be as bad as what the CS did, so the A trumps all other issues. The BS might hold the A and the pain the CS caused them over their heads for as long as the CS will take it, to leverage power, manipulate, and control.
Such BSs fall into the trap of judging which I believe Jesus was warning us about. It stems from an attitude of pride, moral superiority, and lack of mercy and forgiveness. Some BSs it is obvious that is going on. For many others, I think we sometimes fall into this sin in more subtle ways that we ourselves don't recognize. Being a victim has its benefits in terms of pride and playing on the sense of being wronged, and wanting payment for it.
Where do you see judging to be a problem or good thing? When does it cross the line Jesus warned us about? And keep in mind the following in evaluating this as well:
For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged. (1 Cor 11:31)
Use this not to judge other BSs, but our own selves.
I do not do that anymore and completely see my mistakes for what they were, even somewhat of a contributing factor of the affair. Not a excuse for her to have it but I could of done things very differently during the Blind Trust stage, and also in the shock of knowing the truth.
I try real hard now to look at the over all situation and still struggle a lot with trust as I am sure you are aware of, but I know that God has helped me so much threw this crisis, and that the crisis has brought me so much closer to him and trying to be a better person. I think I was probably a better person before and a whole lot happier. I am working on that though and know in my heart with time I will be happy with my wife again, or without her either way I know that I will get to a better place with God's help.
Thank you for the post.