A lot of it will depend on how effectively he's dealt with his guilt. If he's not addressed it, ignoring it and hoping it will go away, it will likely pop up in various ways. One can be sexual desire. But it doesn't have to be that either. I don't think Gabi ever had a low sexual time since dday and she went through some intense periods of guilt. But then again, she was facing it and dealing with it.

But there could be many reasons for it other than the affair or even porn. Watching porn can also affect one's ability to perform in bed through desensitization. It becomes hard for the real thing to compete with the screen. I don't mean just in "hotness" but there is a "high" with porn you can't get so easily in real life. It is like you can't tickle yourself. There is a big difference between watching and having it done to you.

That said, it could also be due to other factors: stress at work, stress at home and/or personal life (can also result from the affair, especially if he is now fearing he'll lose you), testosterone drop as he gets older, getting too much that he's grown uninterested in it, no longer being a sought after thing, any number of physical aliments or side effects from medications (anti-depressants are especially known for this), etc.

In short, it could be a result of the affair, or porn, or any number of other factors, or a combination of several. Gabi's been on a forum for CS's for a while. No doubt they've discussed this before and she'll be able to relate something from what she's learned there.

Thank you, I agree. I don't think it is any ONE thing, and he is on testosterone replacement. Stress is still high for both of us. We have literally moved three times in four years and is waiting to move again. The house market is dead, so currently we only see each other on weekends. During the week he is away. That definitely is not helping matters too much. He wants to keep blaming it on age, which is rediculous since he is 49. I am not letting anybody tell me this is the age of giving up. So I'm fine with him searching for physical problems, but I don't think as long as he rules out psychological issues can cause this, that it can be dealt with. I could maybe see it as being a problem with both, but I said, if it is in the head, you can take every supplement on the face of the earth, and the problem will not go away. We shall see. Anyhow, I will keep searching on your site, but I am pretty sure I have read every single thing on here possible. Unless this answer was in reply to someone, then I might have missed it. I will keep looking:) Thank you, have a blessed day.

You're right. A lot of it is psychological. But I wouldn't rule out age either. I started having difficulties at 40, and while I usually don't have a problem getting erect, I have an orgasm less than 50% of the time. We still enjoy it anyway. It is an intimate bonding time. I'm 53, btw.

But no, you don't need to give up, even if age is involved. And I'm not saying it is or isn't. That would all be for a doctor to decide.

May I say (without blaming God) that He kinda did things the wrong way around. When men are at their sexual peak, women are at child bearing age, careers, householding Marha Stewartness and all that crap. So we are at that point not at our peak. Then once we are through all that, and our children grow up and we can finally get back to thinking and caring about ourselves, it is like becoming like a man in his twenties! Meaning to say that even before the affair my drive went up an up as the kids got older and more independant. Now I am at my highest hight ever in my whole life (pretty sure more than even in my twenties... oh I am 43 currently) and he is going down!!! THAT SUCKS! That is cruel and unusual punishment if God planned it out that way! If He did that, he should have changed either nature or the age of marriage or made older women marry younger men or something weird. I don't know what the solution for the world would be, but it seems a bit unfair to me:( Looking at it like that it seems He created humans to live a life of sexual frustration.

lol. I know, right? I was so frustrated early in our marriage. Now that my peak has long past, now she's wanting it all the time! In one way, I feel like I missed out on so many opportunities when I was ready.

Strange thing is before we got married, we read a marriage enrichment book that talked about those generalities. So we knew they were there. I didn't realize just how "general" our marriage was going to be in that instance.

I hear you! We didn't do any enrichment anything but hey, he knew me since I was 10 years old. Hated me then, and he asked God one day to show him his wife, and I walked through the door. He was not impressed AT ALL, because to him I was the snotnosed girl next door that wouldn't go away. Anyhow, you would think if you grow up in front of someone it would make a difference right. Nope it doesn't.

Now back to your reply. You are right, both parties missed out on a ton of stuff. My hubby was frustrated with me... OH MY, you know what I just realized?!?! Every stage in our lives happened in four years!!! What does 4 mean? After my daughter was born, for 4 years I avoided sex. It felt like I was raped every time we had sex. OMG it was so painful, that I feared sex more than hell. Then my son was born 4 years later and the doctor discovered some major damage down there, scar tissue and undissolved stitches on the inside that made literally a "capsule" on the inside of the perineum that caused all this pain during sex. Well she cut it all out and sewed me together. OMG my head was not wrapped around it yet, but after the first sex I thought I died and gone to heaven!!! NO PAIN whatsoever! However after 4 years of feeling like I was raped, my head still feared sex so my sexdrive was loooooow. Took me a looooong time for my head to figure out sex doesn't hurt and it won't hurt again. Also my son of course has aspburgers autism and touretts which I didn't find out about until he went to school. I just knew I had the weirdest child and he didn't bond with anybody else but me... that is exhausting, because I never got a break. Anyhow, skip ahead... After he went to school (of course by then our marriage was heading towards disaster) things went downhill. I psychologically divorced my husband, and he had to win me back. He prayed and God said "forgive her".... he didn't like that because he wanted God to FIX me. Anyhow, we ended up with FOUR years of marriage BLISS, where we were so in love people HATED us. We would flirt in public like we were newly weds, and women came to Johan and told him: "I wish MY husband would look at me, the way you look at your wife" After 4 years of bliss, came the work stress, depression, drinking and affair. So this has been going on for 4 years now. He wants us to be back in the bliss stage from 4 years ago and I would love that too. I remember telling people in those 4 years: " my husband can walk into a room with hundreds of naked woman who wants to jump with their legs around his neck, and I would not be worried for even ONE second! It was like I was the sun, the moon and the stars. he worshipped me and my body and I him. It was like we were the only two people on the face of the earth and we had our own secret:) Anyhow, now that we are entering the end of these 4 years of disaster, maybe there is a next phase of happyness or something simmilar:)

OMG, please remove the above comment. I realized I put my husband's name on there, and that is not good at all. If you can replace his name with the word husband, that would be great, if not just delete the whole thing. Thanks:)

Done. Couldn't edit it. So I copied it. I'll PM it to you so you can edit and repost if you'd like.

Thank you so much:) Here I go, reposting and hoping it will help someone somewhere.

I hear you! We didn't do any enrichment anything but hey, he knew me since I was 10 years old. Hated me then, and he asked God one day to show him his wife, and I walked through the door. He was not impressed AT ALL, because to him I was the snotnosed girl next door that wouldn't go away. Anyhow, you would think if you grow up in front of someone it would make a difference right. Nope it doesn't.

Now back to your reply. You are right, both parties missed out on a ton of stuff. My hubby was frustrated with me... OH MY, you know what I just realized?!?! Every stage in our lives happened in four years!!! What does 4 mean? After my daughter was born, for 4 years I avoided sex. It felt like I was raped every time we had sex. OMG it was so painful, that I feared sex more than hell. Then my son was born 4 years later and the doctor discovered some major damage down there, scar tissue and undissolved stitches on the inside that made literally a "capsule" on the inside of the perineum that caused all this pain during sex. Well she cut it all out and sewed me together. OMG my head was not wrapped around it yet, but after the first sex I thought I died and gone to heaven!!! NO PAIN whatsoever! However after 4 years of feeling like I was raped, my head still feared sex so my sexdrive was loooooow. Took me a looooong time for my head to figure out sex doesn't hurt and it won't hurt again. Also my son of course has aspbergers autism and tourettes which I didn't find out about until he went to school. I just knew I had the weirdest child and he didn't bond with anybody else but me... that is exhausting, because I never got a break. Anyhow, skip ahead... After he went to school (of course by then our marriage was heading towards disaster) things went downhill. I psychologically divorced my husband, and he had to win me back. He prayed and God said "forgive her".... he didn't like that because he wanted God to FIX me. Anyhow, we ended up with FOUR years of marriage BLISS, where we were so in love people HATED us. We would flirt in public like we were newly weds, and women came to my husband and told him: "I wish MY husband would look at me, the way you look at your wife" After 4 years of bliss, came the work stress, depression, drinking and affair. So this has been going on for 4 years now. He wants us to be back in the bliss stage from 4 years ago and I would love that too. I remember telling people in those 4 years: " my husband can walk into a room with hundreds of naked woman who wants to jump with their legs around his neck, and I would not be worried for even ONE second! It was like I was the sun, the moon and the stars. he worshipped me and my body and I him. It was like we were the only two people on the face of the earth and we had our own secret:) Anyhow, now that we are entering the end of these 4 years of disaster, maybe there is a next phase of happyness or something simmilar:)

If you both invest in it, it can happen. Have you read the book "His Needs, Her Needs"? It revolutionalized the way Gabi and I relate to each other. I'd say we feel more love from each other now than we did at any point of our marriage.

That sounds very familiar, we have most books that you've actually talked about. We've done all the tests on love languages, emotional needs etc. I can't get to any of my books because half my stuff went into storage (including our library of books) when our house went on the market 4 months ago. You know your home is supposed to look like a house, not a home, if you want to sell it:( If you feel it will make a HUGE impact, I will repurchase it and go through it again. I am so very happy that you can help so many people because of what you went through. it is kind of the same for me and Johan. We went through hell, and I blamed God for not protecting me against all these things, but without going through it, we would not have gained the knowledge we have, to be able to help others. It is still not fun having to go through all this crap. Anyhow, you guys are proof that overcoming stuff is possible, and you and your wife are doing an amazing job, in case I haven't said that enough.

My passion for CS is gone. I used to enjoy being with him. Now its just 'sex'. The intimacy is gone because he could be with me one minute and her the next. Since it meant so little to him, now it means nothing to me. We do 'it' and get it over with. Its been five years and I just can't get the feeling back for him. I thought sex was something special for us. It was obviously not that 'special' for him.