Yesterday, as Gabi was reading from a devotional we receive by email from our Church, something in there struck a side thought in me about forgiveness. Obviously one of the topics often discussed in these infidelity forums we are on.

But some people seem to have an easier time forgiving than others. I've discussed in my article on the topic about how healing for adultery through forgiveness can work.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/4055904

But this is a new thought I'll probably need to add to it about why some take longer than others, or at least one factor not often considered among probably several of why that is true. At least, I know it is of me. And it relates to the saying Jesus said:

Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.
(Luk 7:47 ASV)

I mention in the article the difference between sympathy and empathy. I think one of the qualities that allows us to forgive others is empathy. Infidelity is a sin. A big sin, yes, but a sin nonetheless. And while the consequences of some sins, like infidelity and murder, are great, the spiritual damage any sin does is just as stark, separation from God.

So I think one of the main factors that creates empathy and allows us to love others by forgiving them things even like infidelity, is the degree to which we are aware of our own sins and lament over them.

In some communions, this may be more difficult. I mean, some theologies say that once you are "saved," that's it. Either you don't sin no more (they become mistake and human error if anything) or any sins you do commit are immediately covered by the blood of Christ and so you don't even have to worry about them. Other communions have confession, and one in encouraged to be aware of their sins and bring them to Jesus regularly go get their "feet washed."

The latter group no doubt have more reminders about this fact, but even the first group should have a sense of just how much they have been forgiven, and that the grace has to be continually applied to our sins and failings. None of us are without sin, none of us are not guilty.

But when an offense of the type we see in infidelity of a spouse happens, among tragic losses it impacts us the most. I mean, a death is bad and has it's own category of hell. Especially if one feels actions they did or failed to do contributed to it. But, in a majority of deaths, there is't a lot of blame to point to someone about. And when there is, rarely it is someone you loved who murdered the person you lost. Most deaths happen by car accident, cancer, heart attack, and the like. No one "did this to you," and certainly no one you believed to have loved you did it to you. As bad as death is, usually you don't have the specter of the fact that someone who was your most intimate and close friend and lover, stabbed you in the back.

So the emotion of betrayal looms huge over infidelity. And because of that, the temptation to ignore Jesus' warnings to not judge others, lest you too be judged, is great. The greater the loss combined with the more intimate relationship to blame, the greater the temptation is to judge the spouse for what they did, and like the Pharasee did with the publican, say, "O Lord, I thank Thee that I'm not like that publican over there...I would never do what he does."

When we rate sins and say, "Oh, her sin was much greater than mine, so I can ignore my sins and focus on hers. I've got the high moral ground to manipulate her with," then we fail to appreciate the fact that we have had massive sins forgiven as well, just as damning, and are committing a sin even by saying that. The sin of judging others.

For when you fail to appreciate the enormity of one's own sins, one fails to have empathy for the sins of others, fails to forgive, and fails to love them. As Jesus said of the harlot who washed his feet quoted above, the ability to realize your own sinfulness and what you have been forgiven of and love another is linked. They go together, empathy and love and forgiveness.

Note, this is in the context of the article. Forgiveness does not mean not dealing with the consequences. It is only the first step of healing, not the final step. It doesn't mean the spouse should work their ways through the stages of grief, one of which is anger. Some will go through those faster than others. It doesn't mean the loss won't continue to hurt long into the future. What it does mean is that we can continue to love our spouses despite what they did, because we have empathy which allows us to forgive in due time.

Our situation is when the Christian teachings become more than platitudes and nice sayings, but when the rubber hits the road (forgive the trite saying). That's when we find out what it means to live as a Christian, when it gets hard to do so.

Here's hoping we can all come to that place in our lives, no matter the situation we find ourselves in.