Healing Infidelity Through Faith Community Group
A place for those experiencing infidelity, rebuilding from infidelity, or dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, both unfaithful and hurt partners, and to be free to express how our faith, primarily Christians but others are also welcome, has or is being used to deal with our issues and hurts. All posters are expected to be respectful of each others faith experiences...
Those who have read my articles and the book probably know what I think about this topic, but I thought it would be good to get some more input on it.
A common understanding about Jesus' teaching on divorce in the Bible is that He prohibited it. (Mat. 19:3-9) Certainly He makes a point of saying it is not God's design that two people joined as one flesh should ever be divorced, but you'll note He never nullifies Moses' allowance of divorce. If anything, He makes it clear that because of our sinful state (hardness of heart), Moses allowed it. Well, many marriages regularly experience one or both spouses having hardness of heart. We see that all the time concerning infidelity. As long as sin has a grip on people, divorce remains a least of all evils, in some cases, solution to respond to sin.
"But aren't you committing adultery by divorcing your spouse?"
I don't think we understand what divorce is, mainly because we don't understand what marriage is. As Jesus states in the above referenced verses, marriage as God created it is because there is male and female, marriage exists. Because of that created reality, the two join together and God uses that physical union (sex) to make them one flesh. It is that union God says man should not separate.
So that means man can separate it. How? Jesus equates divorce with adultery, that is, having sex with another and thereby violating the union created with your spouse. The heart of divorce is in committing adultery. That's why Jesus says in verse 9:
"And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."
This is because when a spouse has sex with another, they in effect spiritually divorce their spouse. Therefore if the affected spouse then puts their cheating spouse away, they in turn are not committing adultery because the bond has already been destroyed. They are simply fulfilling "legally and fully" the divorce that the cheating spouse initiated.
"So you can't divorce for any other reason, then?"
Again, that's not what Jesus said. Rather that if one divorced, say due to abuse, they could be committing adultery if they then go out and have sex, unite, with another. It's a sin, yes. So is abuse. Which is worse? Live in an abusive marriage, or commit adultery to exit someone with a hard heart. Sometimes it is about a choice between the lesser of two evils. And God can forgive sin and provide healing to the truly repentant.
Jesus did not say, "No, divorce is prohibited," but rather that it can put one in a state of sinning and so should be avoided save for the cases where the evil is greater by staying married.
In the case of infidelity, it is obviously an option on the table. But not too many realize that a divorce has already taken place as far as God's concerned. An affair tears the one flesh asunder. That's why adultery is sin; if violates Gods intended design.
It is also true that this divorce in the flesh does not require putting away the CS if the BS deems them repentant and wants to forgive and put the ball into their court to make amends and redeem the situation. The bond can be restored.
Because a legal divorce is only completing and fulfilling a real divorce. If it isn't, then it can lead to real divorce when one of the spouses commits adultery after the legal one divorce is finalized. So resuming a exclusive sex-life with each other can restore that bond, even though the emotional and practical ramifications of that divorce must be dealt with in the years that follow.
So is divorce on the table for a BS? Yes, especially if the CS has physically and emotionally become one with another, the divorce has already happened even if not legally realized yet. Getting a legal divorce is not initiating THE divorce, it is recognizing it has already taken place.
Whether one fulfills the CS's "flesh" divorce with a legal one or not, there is always the possibility of reconciliation, forgiveness of sins, and rebuilding the marriage. But not if hardness of heart has set in. In that case there may be nothing to do other than to finalize what the CS has done and is doing: tearing apart the union of one-flesh God founded.
Thoughts?
A common understanding about Jesus' teaching on divorce in the Bible is that He prohibited it. (Mat. 19:3-9) Certainly He makes a point of saying it is not God's design that two people joined as one flesh should ever be divorced, but you'll note He never nullifies Moses' allowance of divorce. If anything, He makes it clear that because of our sinful state (hardness of heart), Moses allowed it. Well, many marriages regularly experience one or both spouses having hardness of heart. We see that all the time concerning infidelity. As long as sin has a grip on people, divorce remains a least of all evils, in some cases, solution to respond to sin.
"But aren't you committing adultery by divorcing your spouse?"
I don't think we understand what divorce is, mainly because we don't understand what marriage is. As Jesus states in the above referenced verses, marriage as God created it is because there is male and female, marriage exists. Because of that created reality, the two join together and God uses that physical union (sex) to make them one flesh. It is that union God says man should not separate.
So that means man can separate it. How? Jesus equates divorce with adultery, that is, having sex with another and thereby violating the union created with your spouse. The heart of divorce is in committing adultery. That's why Jesus says in verse 9:
"And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."
This is because when a spouse has sex with another, they in effect spiritually divorce their spouse. Therefore if the affected spouse then puts their cheating spouse away, they in turn are not committing adultery because the bond has already been destroyed. They are simply fulfilling "legally and fully" the divorce that the cheating spouse initiated.
"So you can't divorce for any other reason, then?"
Again, that's not what Jesus said. Rather that if one divorced, say due to abuse, they could be committing adultery if they then go out and have sex, unite, with another. It's a sin, yes. So is abuse. Which is worse? Live in an abusive marriage, or commit adultery to exit someone with a hard heart. Sometimes it is about a choice between the lesser of two evils. And God can forgive sin and provide healing to the truly repentant.
Jesus did not say, "No, divorce is prohibited," but rather that it can put one in a state of sinning and so should be avoided save for the cases where the evil is greater by staying married.
In the case of infidelity, it is obviously an option on the table. But not too many realize that a divorce has already taken place as far as God's concerned. An affair tears the one flesh asunder. That's why adultery is sin; if violates Gods intended design.
It is also true that this divorce in the flesh does not require putting away the CS if the BS deems them repentant and wants to forgive and put the ball into their court to make amends and redeem the situation. The bond can be restored.
Because a legal divorce is only completing and fulfilling a real divorce. If it isn't, then it can lead to real divorce when one of the spouses commits adultery after the legal one divorce is finalized. So resuming a exclusive sex-life with each other can restore that bond, even though the emotional and practical ramifications of that divorce must be dealt with in the years that follow.
So is divorce on the table for a BS? Yes, especially if the CS has physically and emotionally become one with another, the divorce has already happened even if not legally realized yet. Getting a legal divorce is not initiating THE divorce, it is recognizing it has already taken place.
Whether one fulfills the CS's "flesh" divorce with a legal one or not, there is always the possibility of reconciliation, forgiveness of sins, and rebuilding the marriage. But not if hardness of heart has set in. In that case there may be nothing to do other than to finalize what the CS has done and is doing: tearing apart the union of one-flesh God founded.
Thoughts?
Sheila
It is the breaking of the marital bond itself which is divorce, and adultery does that, whether that happens before a legal divorce or after. That's why Jesus says if one leaves their spouse and remarries, i.e., has sex with a new person, they are committing adultery. But of course adultery can be forgiven and healed, though it leaves its own scars as well.
And it is why if your spouse commits adultery, you would not be committing adultery to then unite to another person because that bond has already been broken by the cheating spouse.
Cole