Healing Infidelity Through Faith Community Group
A place for those experiencing infidelity, rebuilding from infidelity, or dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, both unfaithful and hurt partners, and to be free to express how our faith, primarily Christians but others are also welcome, has or is being used to deal with our issues and hurts. All posters are expected to be respectful of each others faith experiences...
This past Sunday, our gospel reading was for the Publican and the Pharisee. Here's the text for reference:
Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as the rest of men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week; I give tithes of all that I get. But the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote his breast, saying, God, be thou merciful to me a sinner. (Luk 18:10-13 ASV)
What caught my attention is the Pharisee's prayer, when he included in his list of things he is thanking God he is not was an adulterer, among several other sinful activities. I had not noticed that before. It is interesting, having gone through this, how often the Bible talks about this issue.
But it got me to thinking, because as most of you likely know, the outcome was not in the Pharisee's favor:
I say unto you, This man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be humbled; but he that humbleth himself shall be exalted. (Luk 18:14 ASV)
This is more for the BSs here. One of the dangers we face is pride. It can be all too easy to say to God, "At least I'm not like that adulterer over there." Claim moral superiority. I'm assuming the Pharisee was telling the truth, and maybe the publican had committed that sin, we are not told. But even if it were true, it still didn't justify the Pharisee in God's eyes because his pride prevented him from receiving God's grace and mercy.
We are going to feel violated, hurt, a sense of loss in our marriage and ourselves. No doubt about it. What we don't want to do is feel superiority as a person over our CS because we are pure on that account and they are not.
Goes back to Jesus' statement, he who is without sin, cast the first stone. Let's consider it a warning to not allow ourselves to go there. In the grand scheme of things, we don't want to sacrifice our relationship with God over what our spouse did to us. And such an attitude can hinder any rebuilding efforts as well.
Okay, sermon over. My pastor days coming out, I guess. :)
Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as the rest of men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week; I give tithes of all that I get. But the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote his breast, saying, God, be thou merciful to me a sinner. (Luk 18:10-13 ASV)
What caught my attention is the Pharisee's prayer, when he included in his list of things he is thanking God he is not was an adulterer, among several other sinful activities. I had not noticed that before. It is interesting, having gone through this, how often the Bible talks about this issue.
But it got me to thinking, because as most of you likely know, the outcome was not in the Pharisee's favor:
I say unto you, This man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be humbled; but he that humbleth himself shall be exalted. (Luk 18:14 ASV)
This is more for the BSs here. One of the dangers we face is pride. It can be all too easy to say to God, "At least I'm not like that adulterer over there." Claim moral superiority. I'm assuming the Pharisee was telling the truth, and maybe the publican had committed that sin, we are not told. But even if it were true, it still didn't justify the Pharisee in God's eyes because his pride prevented him from receiving God's grace and mercy.
We are going to feel violated, hurt, a sense of loss in our marriage and ourselves. No doubt about it. What we don't want to do is feel superiority as a person over our CS because we are pure on that account and they are not.
Goes back to Jesus' statement, he who is without sin, cast the first stone. Let's consider it a warning to not allow ourselves to go there. In the grand scheme of things, we don't want to sacrifice our relationship with God over what our spouse did to us. And such an attitude can hinder any rebuilding efforts as well.
Okay, sermon over. My pastor days coming out, I guess. :)
One, the issue I was addressing of pride and moral superiority on our part. Two, the one's you are addressing, forgiveness. Three, whether you stay or not, and if you do, what will that look like. Four, how do you deal with what has happened, that is, can you move forward productively.
The scripture I brought up deals with our pride for focusing on the bad things we have not done compared others, and feeling therefore that we have in some manner "earned" favor with God. Jesus' point is that it is the one who repents and is humble, no matter what they have done, including adultery, who has a restored and healthy relationship with God. Not that keeping pure is not a good thing, but when it becomes a point of judging others to make ourselves feel better about our own shortcomings, instead of focusing on ourselves, confessing our own sins, and seeking God's mercy as the publican did, whatever those sins might be.
Such an attitude cuts us off from God's mercy, and as a result, will prevent a healing atmosphere in rebuilding.
Forgiveness is related, but not directly tied to this. IOW, a person who is humble will more likely forgive. But forgiveness of each other's sins wasn't what Jesus was addressing there. Rather, the conditions upon which we can receive God's forgiveness and mercy.
But keep in mind, one can forgive, but that doesn't mean things go on as normal. It doesn't mean you stay together. It doesn't negate the consequences of what they've done. Just like the Prodigal Son lost his entire inheritance. That was not restored even though the Father forgave him and restored him as his son. The Father told the older son, "All that I have is yours." The son still had to deal with the consequences of his sin. It was the relationship that was restored, not the negating of the fall out from the sin.
So you can forgive, even if you were going through divorce proceedings. You can forgive, even while you are saying you still hurt from what he did, even when putting in place boundaries and "rules" to give you the best chance to heal. IOW, forgiving shouldn't ever mean, "Everything is back to the way it was, as if the sin had not happened." That's not forgiveness. That's sticking you head in the sand and living in fantasy land. Forgiveness is part of the whole healing process, not in place of it.
As far as your choices on where to go with this, no one can decide that for you. If I were in your shoes, my biggest issue wouldn't be forgiveness, but how can I have faith he won't do this again a few years down the road? If we thought we had all the boundaries in place before, and it didn't work, what is to prevent him from getting lax again in five years and slipping back into his old mode? Until you two can come to build a safe place for you in the marriage where the future is going to be different than the past, it will be hard for you to move forward. And it may be you can't get there. Then you have to decide for yourself, do you take the risk he'll do this again, or cut your losses and get out?
It is not an easy decision, and there is no easy answers. Only you know you and your situation well enough to make that decision. But the article I posted was more a warning against an attitude of moral superiority over the CS that can end up doing damage to our relationship with God, which on the scale of things, is more important. We don't want to lose both because of this, even if we do end up losing one. And keeping a vibrant relationship with God will make the likelihood of keeping the other much higher, though not guaranteed.