Look, I am the queen of unforgiveness. If someone hurts me, I just cut them out of my life, and forget about them.. period. At least that is what I've done thus far. This is the first time in my life I actually had to "forgive" a person (my husband) and keep them in my life. We are not Jesus, all though we strive to be like him. We will not be "Godlike" until we get rid of these "earthly" bodies. Striving towards forgiveness is a HUGE thing. Forgiveness has a different meaning for everybody. I have studied "forgiveness" to make sense of it all. You will never TRUST your spouse like you did before the affair. You will be stupid if you did. I think trust can be built to maybe 80% of what it was before. Human beings are fallible, unlike Jesus. So to put 100% trust in a human being after your trust has been broken, would be foolish. Rather put 100% of your Trust in God, and give your wife the 80% you can allow. In honesty, the Cheating spouses do not even deserve THAT, so the fact that you DO trust her most of the time, is a sign that forgiveness is already there. Forgiveness is a PROCESS, just like healing from a hurt. That is my opinion anyway. I love my husband very much, and we are now 4 years post D- day (day of finding out). Our marriage is wonderful and we are fabulous 90% of the time. However we have a history together of 25 years. Your wife's affair is part of your history together. It can't go away, just like your birth or your wedding or anything. History is what makes you what you are and where you are today. Your whole life is a journey. Some of it was bad, some of it was good. But it IS STILL part of your history together. Asking someone to just CUT OUT the part of the affair, is just as stupid as saying.... Lets just cut out the part where my son or my daughter was born. It was painful as hell, and NO fun whatsoever, but I had little children that gave me love and it outweighed the birth pain. Now they are teenagers, and I am going through hell, Kinda brings back the memories of child birth again and I wonder what in hell I was thinking, sometimes. Then it gets better again, and you love them to death. Main thing is this affair will be part of your life and your history till the day you die. HOWEVER, it DOES get better and eventually the pain just stops alltogether (that is if the cheating spouse does their part). I am at the point where very very little part of discussing the affair even hurts me at all. It is like discussing a movie of someone else. No pain occurs during the discussion at all. Having said that, anything and I mean ANYTHING he does out of the ordinary, puts my radars up. For instance, I am a chewing gum junkie, have been all my life. My husband can't eat gum, it makes him gag, LOL. So recently he came home with chewing gum he bought by himself. OH MY, immediately my distrust popped up. However, the fact that he came and gave ME some gum, and asked my opinion about it, PLUS then explaining to me why he bought the gum, got me right back into trust zone. Doesn't even bother him that I am suspicious, because he realized he caused it, and he takes it all in stride. So after all this rambling (which I hope helps), just hang in there. The pain WILL get better and the distrust also, but it takes A LOT of time.

Thank you and yes that helped a lot.

It is your wife's job, to let you know every minute of the day where she is and with whom and what she is doing when she is away. You can skype with her and she can show you her surroundings. My husband suggested that, but I didn't feel the need for it. When I do though, he is willing to do it, or actually the one he mentioned was facetime which is an app on the phone. You have ALL the reason not to trust her when she is away and amongst other men. That is a dangerous situation to be in, whether she had an affair or not. If she travels, she should text you as much as you need to build your trust, and talk at night if she is in a hotel room. I would not be happy if I were in your situation. My husband went to AA meetings at some point and the amount of women there that are divorced and in "manhunt" mode, is crazy. So if he went into a meeting where he got a feeling there was a cougar, he left. After much searching he found a mens group, and that is what he attended and he actually liked it a lot more than the mixed groups. Things can be done, and your wife should be doing it, for as many years as you need to heal from this damage she has done to you.

Yes, forgiveness is a process. You'll keep forgiving. Not a one time thing.

But you also need to separate forgiveness--I'm not going to intentionally punish you--from consequences. Forgiving her doesn't automatically mean you stop feeling pain nor that she doesn't have to deal with the consequences. The lack of trust you have now is a consequence of the A.It takes time to rebuild that. It takes time for you to reach a point of acceptance, which takes going through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression to reach that stage. It may be many months before you get there. Healing takes time, those are the consequences of the A. You're not intentionally wanting to cause her pain over it. Triggers happen, as a result of post traumatic stress.

King David was forgiven by God, but he suffered the consequences of his affair. The woman caught in adultery was forgiven by Jesus, but He told her to go an sin no more. As long as you are not intentionally holding the A over her head, using it as a tool of manipulation, you have forgiven her. She needs to be able to understand the difference between that and the consequences which you have little control over.

Put it this way. If someone hit you hard enough and it put you in the hospital with head injuries, then they come to you as you lie recovering on your hospital bed seeking forgiveness, and you give it to them, you aren't suddenly healed, bleeding stopped, and the doctor comes in and releases you. You and that person still have to deal with healing the injury.

If she hasn't already, your wife needs to read the book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It will help her to understand some of this, and how best to help you heal.

But don't sweat it. Forgiving her doesn't mean you stop feeling pain, being affected by triggers, or become immediately healed from this trauma. If you did, you'd be the lone exception in the human race. Be patient and give it time. Trust in God's grace to get you both through this.