
Healing Infidelity Through Faith Community Group
A place for those experiencing infidelity, rebuilding from infidelity, or dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, both unfaithful and hurt partners, and to be free to express how our faith, primarily Christians but others are also welcome, has or is being used to deal with our issues and hurts. All posters are expected to be respectful of each others faith experiences...

Jason21
I have trouble with forgiveness. I have forgave my wife and try real hard to live my life as I have forgave her.
Have I really forgave her though? I still think about the affair everyday, I do not trust her at all when she is out of town for work around a lot of other guys. I do not bring up the affair to often or try to scold her about it in any way.
True forgiveness as Jesus forgave us / whole and compleatly letting it go and opening my heart to her.
I love my wife more than anything, but I do not think that my forgiveness is true if I am still in the amount of pain that I am in some days. Can you have forgave and still be unforgiving at times. Is there a grey are when it comes to that. I do not know how I can view it as full forgiveness if I am still dealing with this kind of pain and am suspitions of her cheating on me again even though she does not have any behavior as she would. My wife does everything I ask and has answered all of my questions. Yet I still feel like she wants to sweep it under the rug, like she just does not understand my pain, and that it hurts her to much to try and understand my pain.
I want to let go of the affair all the way and would love to not think about it anymore and just be happy with how good our relationship is now. I just do not think that I will ever be able to look at her the same way as before the affair and feel guilty that I can not seem to let go of it.
Have I really forgave her though? I still think about the affair everyday, I do not trust her at all when she is out of town for work around a lot of other guys. I do not bring up the affair to often or try to scold her about it in any way.
True forgiveness as Jesus forgave us / whole and compleatly letting it go and opening my heart to her.
I love my wife more than anything, but I do not think that my forgiveness is true if I am still in the amount of pain that I am in some days. Can you have forgave and still be unforgiving at times. Is there a grey are when it comes to that. I do not know how I can view it as full forgiveness if I am still dealing with this kind of pain and am suspitions of her cheating on me again even though she does not have any behavior as she would. My wife does everything I ask and has answered all of my questions. Yet I still feel like she wants to sweep it under the rug, like she just does not understand my pain, and that it hurts her to much to try and understand my pain.
I want to let go of the affair all the way and would love to not think about it anymore and just be happy with how good our relationship is now. I just do not think that I will ever be able to look at her the same way as before the affair and feel guilty that I can not seem to let go of it.
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But you also need to separate forgiveness--I'm not going to intentionally punish you--from consequences. Forgiving her doesn't automatically mean you stop feeling pain nor that she doesn't have to deal with the consequences. The lack of trust you have now is a consequence of the A.It takes time to rebuild that. It takes time for you to reach a point of acceptance, which takes going through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression to reach that stage. It may be many months before you get there. Healing takes time, those are the consequences of the A. You're not intentionally wanting to cause her pain over it. Triggers happen, as a result of post traumatic stress.
King David was forgiven by God, but he suffered the consequences of his affair. The woman caught in adultery was forgiven by Jesus, but He told her to go an sin no more. As long as you are not intentionally holding the A over her head, using it as a tool of manipulation, you have forgiven her. She needs to be able to understand the difference between that and the consequences which you have little control over.
Put it this way. If someone hit you hard enough and it put you in the hospital with head injuries, then they come to you as you lie recovering on your hospital bed seeking forgiveness, and you give it to them, you aren't suddenly healed, bleeding stopped, and the doctor comes in and releases you. You and that person still have to deal with healing the injury.
If she hasn't already, your wife needs to read the book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It will help her to understand some of this, and how best to help you heal.
But don't sweat it. Forgiving her doesn't mean you stop feeling pain, being affected by triggers, or become immediately healed from this trauma. If you did, you'd be the lone exception in the human race. Be patient and give it time. Trust in God's grace to get you both through this.