As I matured and heard about this one passing from a drug overdose and several others with AIDS (brought on by iv drug use) I never felt survivors guilt....au contraire, I felt like "what the heck were they still doing drugs for"? Didn't everyone grow out of that scene? One chap from the old days, was so strung out at 46 years old mind you, that he died falling from a roof along with the tv he was trying to steal.....they are very sad stories but I guess what Im saying is I had my days of drugs sex and rock and roll, but grew up so I couldn't understand how you could still be a junkie into your 40 and 50's. Granted I had two boys to take care of on my own so that grows you up real quick...and some of the people that passed on did to...I too would like to close this chapter and I will keep striving for the combination of supplementation, diet and whatever else is needed for me to live with this virus.

I know what you mean about the whole "grow out of it" idea. That fits my experience much better than the idea of "disease." I remember waking up 2 days after my 24th birthday and realizing I wasn't a teenager anymore so what on earth was I doing still being strung out. I always figured I'd either die or move onto something else, but the something else hadn't happened yet.
BTW, my daughter said the other day that when she's a teenager she wants to dye her hair pink because it's the "new thing." I laughed so hard. "No, honey, it's the old thing." If she wants a real teenage rebellion, which means being different from one's parents, she'll have to date investment bankers.

An interesting way to see it, as if it happened for a pre-existing condition. I prefer to see Hep C as an opportunity for growth, and that every problem comes with benefits. For instance, when I was young I was molested. At the time it really messed me up and made the next 25 years of my life messy. But when I decided to stop feeling like a victim everything changed for me. I learned to love myself and discovered that being molested made me more empathic, more sensitive to people around me. I had to learn to pay attention to myself as well as others. I discovered that when I made love, I focused on HIS pleasure instead of mine, that I was totally out of touch with my own body, because I was trying to hard to please him. I discovered that I spent a lot of time inside other people, which denied them the pleasure of my company. And so began the search for who I am and what I want, etc.

Hep C has made me more aware of the effect of bad eating and other bad habits on the body, as it has made my body more sensitive to toxins and junk food and stuff. Even overeating can give me a headache and bloating. It's also given me a chance to prove this, in my own life, that we are what we eat. It's also helped me understand how toxic emotions can make a person ill, as I went through my own emotional hell and watched my body respond to this in the form of aches and pains and taking longer to heal.

My mom used to say an old German proverb. We get too soon old and too late smart. Only she said it like this: Vee git too soon oldt and too late schmart!

you gramma must have been really cute, mak!

i've thought about this too....and wondered if i needed to get this so i could rest more. if i hadn't felt so sick during treatment i think i actually liked laying around, doing nothing! and i had a great excuse. and i didn't feel like going anywhere which made me happy too!

good post, brigid!

Thanks. I'm really trying to explore this from all angles. I've struggled for decades now with that fine line between taking responsibility for our lives and the new agey blame of "why did you choose x?"

Mak, My Grandma had the same proverb. With a similar accent!

BTW, I had an odd experience of moving beyond my own sexual abuse. When I found out the guy (who is a religious official) was working at a spiritual retreat place, I called and told them. I felt that the woman believed me, but she said they couldn't do anything without evidence. So, all those years later, I did some digging and found out that a woman had brought up the topic at a meeting of the board. I got in touch with the woman's daughter, who said that the woman was dead and that she (the daughter) hadn't been abused but wasn't surprised that others had been -- he locked the door and stood too close. So there was no way for me to prove it, but instead of feeling defeated, I felt free. Maybe it was having two strangers believe me, maybe it was knowing that I was wiling to face him and get him fired (I had many fantasies about our meeting). But for whatever reason, he's meaningless to me now. I still have sexual damage that I'm trying to heal from (the abuse started a pattern of damaging sex for me) but I love having no charge around him or what he did anymore.

Congrats Brigid. I salute your healing.

I guess I don't see "it" as blame because the one that chose the experience is not me, it's not my personality, it's not my mother's child, it's not my husband's wife or the mother of my children who chose these experiences. If anything, and it's up for debate of course, if anything, the Higher Self chose to experience this, and asking the personality "why" in an accusing tone is STUPID. The eternal essence chose the experience, not the finite personality.

There's a concept Starhawk talks about that makes a lot of sense to me, kind of like group karma. So that if we as a people create a world where a certain percentage live in poverty, then we have to take our turns with those lifetimes (if one believes in past lives). Or if we create a society where one in 3 girls is sexually abused, then it can be any of us. I like the idea of us as a whole creating things, rather than the individual. And that we all can shift it. At least I hope so.

brigid, i'm so happy for you that you've moved beyond that trauma. sending you much love and a lots of hugs!

i was listening to neurologist/therapist the other day on the radio and he said that if we go back to our traumas and talk about them too much we will deepen the neural pathways in those areas. people who keep talking about their horrible past experiences will deepen the neural pathways in those areas making in harder to have a happy life. people who don't forgive and move on will deepen the neural pathways and will be miserable.

he said the thing to do is to look at our past, morn the loss....and then put it to rest. move beyond the trauma. create new and happy experiences.

i said that all really simply but i'm sure you guys get the idea.

brigid, it sounds like that's what you've done? you've let it go so now you can move on and be free and happy! you're not going to let that guy hold your mind hostage. i'm so happy for you!

i read starhawks thoughts on this too. and a bunch of other authors idea on it all. and i think it's all very plausible.

I think that Abraham would agree. That which we resist, persists. If we only go back to relive the horror, that would certainly be true, just as we memorize phone numbers or recipes by using them over and over. I think that when a person begins to tell the story, they are probably looking for help resolving it, if they don't get help, they will tell it to someone else, and can become a chronic pity seeker, when deep inside they seek healing and resolution. I think we can rewrite the past, and that is much more powerful then putting it to rest. Once we see the trauma as a gift, then when we remember it, and we will remember it, it will no longer carry with it feelings of misery and horribleness, instead, it will carry joy and power, and we will feel gratitude instead of fear and loss.

i agree, mak, rewriting our past would seem to be the most powerful!

I agree. I have clients who are afraid to fully explore their traumas because they've heard similar things about making what you focus on grow stronger. But it's only the repetative telling without adding new experience that cements it. Or the getting pity/love/attention or some other need by having a trauma. I don't know any way to truly heal from trauma except by going deeply into exploring it. And often, at least for me, it means doing it over and over, but adding a new awareness or a new bit of support each time. And then it loses its charge. That's my issue with Carolyn Myss. She says tell your story three times only. But often people need to keep telling it, to the right person, before they can get clear on what they need when they're telling it.
I agree with Quasar as well about strengthening pathways; in yoga we call them samskaras. But that happens, I believe, only with mindless or compulsive repetition. I got a fortune cookie the other day that says "only by acceptance of the past can you alter it."

I don't believe every event is all about me. A hurricane happens irregardless of population or their karma. The bubonic plague & Spanish flu & HIV are not Great Spirit punishment for poor spiritual growth, but stress can be an opportunity for growth.
If I experience the hurricane, what I glean from it is up to me.
Now, if I disregard weather warnings or go chasing tornadoes & get hit, thats another exploration!

ah, ptriss, you are not a Leo, then.... LOL

AFTER READING ALL THESE POSTS...ALL I CAN SAY IS...THANK YOU :)
I AM A MALE AND STILL CARRY HORRIBLE INJUSTICES DONE TO ME.
AT AGE 65, I STILL CAN'T OPENLY DISCUSS THEM...BUT ALL YOUR SENTIMENTS ARE TRULY HEALTHY AND VERY HELPFUL...THANK YOU AGAIN.