It's been months since I have visited this site yet alone posted anything. Two years ago next week (the 19th), I had my first date with a woman I thought we be THE one. Several break ups and 23 months later, it's over. It was an on-again, off-again unhealthy relationship. I'll refer to this woman as "Cynthia." I loved her and her kids so much, but she did have her dark side (as we all do). Long story short "Cynthia" is a cutter, and she had a rough adolescent/adult life. Her last words to me were "--- you, Manny"-via text. She never could give me a face-to-face conversation (her words), and I refused to enter into an argument. To be honest I was so disappointed that she went this route (cussing over texting). I just had to block her-from social media and from my phone. She did try to call a few days later, but I did not pick up. To be honest I share the blame in this. Whenever we had a break up, I always-ALWAYS-waited for her until she was ready. I enabled her to use me, and I perpetuated this. I lacked the self respect because I was so eager-anxious is a better word-to be loved and have someone to love. I know we have an assortment of emotions that we feel-anger, frustration, sadness-but there is one that I should feel above all else:  relief. Relieft that I no longer have to second guess myself. I do miss her and the good times we had, but there is no way I would go back to her and our unhealthy relationship. I have prayed and meditated; in those times I have forgiven "Cynthia" for her words ("hate" and "regret" being among them). This happened OCT 25th, but it feels like yesterday-IF I am in a certain frame of mind. I tend to ruminate, and through my faith and reading several books, I have managed those feelings. My anxiety shot through the roof when "Cynthia" and I were together, but at least I sought the helped I needed in counseling and am able to control (at last!) my anxiety.

Fast forward to today, DEC 12, and I just feel.......I don't know what I feel. I am not depressed, but I am not totally happy either. I am a walking contradition:  I want to go out but don't want to be around anyone. I love Country dancing but don't have enough faith that the person I ask will agree...or even show up. (Last time I went dancing, I went alone and had fun.) I just feel there is an absence of happiness and not necessarily a prescence of depression (though I am on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety med). I just feel like I lost myself in my last relationship and that I am having a very difficult time reconnecting with myself. I'm a good guy, but I am so broken inside. My divorce from 2006 was way way way more difficult on me emotionally. From 2018 to today, I have lost my dad, two gf's, and a beloved pet. One thing I like to do when I go out clubbing (alone for now) is to watch couples dancing. Just to see the expression on their faces and how they just compliment each other whether laughing, talking, or dancing. I KNOW I will be healed; it's just that this latest breakup hurts so bad way deep down. I allow myself to feel it all out, but I also don't want to continue to "feel it all out" for too much longer. It's like my spirit has been broken-the old me buried way deep down under all of this misery and sadness.