Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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why all the hurt?

sunni185
sunni185
We met with my daughter, against the attorneys advice to let her know we had a court date for full custody. We didn't feel it was right not to tell her and let her find out after the fact. After all I love my daughter and don't wish to see her hurt. We are raising my grandaughter due to her drug history,in and out of prison, etc. She is not capable of taking care of herself, much less a child. We never wanted to be put into this position,but because we love the child we didn't want her in foster care. We've had her for a year now, and she is a bright light in our lives. My daughter took the news rather well, but now a week later,I find out she thinks we lied to her and could of asked or tempoary custody to be extended or joint custody. First of all she can't have joint custody because she moves every week to a differant friends house or motel and can't be trusted to take care of the child and I'm not about to continue to pay attorney fees for temporary custody. She also is angry that she'll have to pay child support. When other people have raised her child for the last four years and she hasn't paid one dime to help. She is bad mouthing my husband and I to everyone around, and I'm the evil one for taking her child away. Never one thank you to any of us who stepped up to bat for this child. I am so angry! But I am also hurt that my own child can blame us and not take responsibility for her own actions that brought us to this point!
deleted_user
deleted_user
When our children are in this state, they never think clearly or maturely. It does really hurt. I know.
I told my daughter when we were doing this that it was the only way we could preserve her relationship with her child for if we didn't, the government services would take her and then she would never know her child. I reminded her that she was not in a good position in her life to take care of this child and so since I was doing it, I needed the rights to make decisions for her in all ways. I told her that she needed to support this and be thankful she still had a daughter to see. I asked her to realize that because of us, she would be able to have a good relationship with her daughter if she chose to, and cleaned up her life, then her child would not be afraid or ashamed of her.
I don't know if I just made any sense, but I guess I am trying to say, that sometimes we need to help them see a bigger picture and get them to realize that it could be so much worse if we hadn't stepped in.
Good luck. Keep your spirits up and never give up hope.
sunni185
sunni185
Mammac, we did explain it to her exactly as you said. we even offered to try to help her go into a rehab to get her life straightened out. I guess sometimes it's like beating your head against a brick wall.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I was in the same situation. Almost the same story. It hurt me very much, but I did NOT tell my daughter because my attorney advised me not to. Since I took the baby our communication was minimal. I heard she was pretty upset. However, not mad enough to confront me. I think the drugs held her back. She did not put the baby's father on the birth certificate thinking that he could get custody of the baby. She spent her last dime to hire a attorney to get his name on the certificate. It did not matter as he did not do the court ordered drug test. She did not pass hers. But I am the bad person. She says horrible things about me too. She too thinks I lied to her about temp. custody, or joint custody. She was telling people I wanted another baby and I took hers . . .I tried to explain it was the best for the baby. My husband is the stay at home home mom caring for the baby. She sees the baby occasionaly but I get NO thanks mom for helping me out etc. I have tried to tell her that if the baby got put in the "system" it is very hard to get them out. We are family.

Just hang in there. You did the right thing. They don't think clearly. I try not to be hurt by her words and it is hard. But, my first priority is to take care of my grandauther. Good luck.
Kat51
Kat51
Sunni,

I'm sorry your daughter is hurting you and your husband. Mine also got angry when asked to pay child support and said some nasty things, but she has settled down now. I think that she was also dealing with a load of guilt for her failure as a parent and it was finally clear to her that this is not a temporary thing and she will never raise her son. I think she lashed out in anger because of her own hurt. I'm not sure if that's what is going on with your daughter too, but if it is, then hopefully she will eventually deal with her loss in a better way. You are doing what is best for your grandchild.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ri's mom has been the same way. But she tells Ri this stuff.
"I hate your mema because she stole you from me" Ri is now prepared to say "You May not like her but she is my mema and I love her please don't talk bad about her"
Her mom has blamed us and never said thanks for taking over when I could not. Nothing at all. She has never ask us if we could use some money for school clothes nothing. She never has paid a penny child support at all.
All she has done she doesn't even act emmbrased about it . Does this sound to you like a women that has got it together????
Ri has been going weeknds for some time and she keeps all of Ri's underware. Do you realize in a years time how many pair of undies that is. I had to buy more tonight. Ri wears a size 8 in clothes and her mom will buy a size 12 and send her back to my house with a dress that makes her look terrible. The clothes I sent still in the over night case.
Sunn85 our storys are so alike...are you all sure were not talking about the same people.(The twilight zone.........)
deleted_user
deleted_user
I tried to be fair with my daughter for 10 long years, jumping threw every hoop to keep my grandsons safe. There is a point and a time to say enough and put her out of the loop. Do what you have to do to protect your grandchild! I only email my daughter now, I never talk to her on the phone anymore. That way I have a record of what she is saying to use later...if need be. Her story for us is that we always wanted a boy and had all girls...so we stole both of hers. Keep up the good work and my God bless you!
deleted_user
deleted_user
My daughter wanted me to apply for temporary custody instead of permanent custody. Well, I go to court next month for permanent custody and I've already applied for child support against her. I have had her son for almost 2 years and it's time to make this final. This little guy deserves a permanent home and stability. My daughter bad mouths me all the time. I have come use to her childish, selfish ways. Don't let her words hurt you. She is SICK! My daugher is sick and unfortunately, we can't help them anymore. You can help your grandchild and that's what matters most. God Bless You!
sunni185
sunni185
After reading all of your posts, I had a good cry. You all are so wonderful! Thank you for sharing,my only regret is that you all have to deal with the same ungrateful kind of people. I wish no one else this kind of heartbreak. thanks for letting me know I am not alone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh, you are not alone here. Not ever. We all feel the same pain and experience the same frustration/anger over the parents inability to stand up as adults and raise their children. We all feel the same when our adult children call us liars and thieves for raising the kids.

It is a sad state of affairs when the world comes down to grandparents being "forced" to raise their grandchildren. I once read about a much older woman that for various reasons had something like 17 of her grandchildren to raise from all of her kids!! How sad!!

Everyone remember ALWAYS that we truly care and love one another. We are all here whenever one of us is in need. Good luck and God bless you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My dear friend, you're never alone. We are a good team of ladies & gentlemen and we will all work together to make things easier for each other. Always know you can count on all of us.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes when Ri told me that her mom hated me that I stole her from her. I was amazed.
Our son is totally fine with us raising Ri, he realizes because of the drugs addicts they once were that she is in the best place for her.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is the drug damage. They do not even come close to thinking like a normal person. They do not see anything wrong with jumping from one home to another week after week. It has became such a part of who they are they see it as totally normal.
Just try to remember when you want to be open and talk with her no matter what it is about they are going to think a long a 10 to 12 year old on any such topic. And they will always turn it around on you that you did this or that. They never take the blame for anything.
I know in my case the mom's lawyers are not helping her any. She has always had her mom be her inablier, but now she has her lawyers doing the same thing.
When are they going to get spell check on here??????????
deleted_user
deleted_user
These girls have no clue what we do for these grandchildren nor do they care. They think we are obligated to pick up the mess they have made of their lives and not say a word about it. They are selfish and immature. My daughter has bad mouthed my husband and myself for years. She finally has stopped and thanked us for all we have done. We all seemed to have reached a happy medium. I hope your daughter will do the same one day. Just keep standing your ground. We know your grandchild is better off in a home with security, love and stability. Hugs to you!