Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
We live in NJ and are raising three grandchildren. Their "biodad" lives in TX and is a druggie like the "biomom." He isn't even the father of our eldest, but she doesn't know that.
"Biodad's" mom is somewhat of an enabler. She has more money than sense. A very nice person, but she has really never kept in touch with her "grandbabies." No Christmas presents except for some cheap ones one year, no birthday cards or calls, nothing.
About two summers ago she came to visit and stayed with us. She is, as I said, a very, very nice person and the kids love her.
Every once in a while she will ask if we can bring the kids to TX. I hate flying, but would not mind driving. However, (and NO OFFENSE) I have no desire to visit TX. No reason; just that if I were going to take a week or so to go somewhere I'd rather go to other places.
She would probably come up and escort them back to TX on a plane. However, we're afraid she might let her son take the kids, and he gets arrested about every other week. He also has one or two other children somewhere in TX.
Do you think it's our obligation to haul three little kids 1,000 miles, or is it the grandmother's responsibility to make the trip to NJ if she wants to see them? Especially since she has virtually no contact at any other time?
We wouldn't mind having her here, but my husband thinks it's "our turn" to make the trek.
"Biodad's" mom is somewhat of an enabler. She has more money than sense. A very nice person, but she has really never kept in touch with her "grandbabies." No Christmas presents except for some cheap ones one year, no birthday cards or calls, nothing.
About two summers ago she came to visit and stayed with us. She is, as I said, a very, very nice person and the kids love her.
Every once in a while she will ask if we can bring the kids to TX. I hate flying, but would not mind driving. However, (and NO OFFENSE) I have no desire to visit TX. No reason; just that if I were going to take a week or so to go somewhere I'd rather go to other places.
She would probably come up and escort them back to TX on a plane. However, we're afraid she might let her son take the kids, and he gets arrested about every other week. He also has one or two other children somewhere in TX.
Do you think it's our obligation to haul three little kids 1,000 miles, or is it the grandmother's responsibility to make the trip to NJ if she wants to see them? Especially since she has virtually no contact at any other time?
We wouldn't mind having her here, but my husband thinks it's "our turn" to make the trek.
I don't think you have any obligation to take the children to her, if she wants a relationship with them she needs to come to them. Taking 3 children on an airplane is a whole lot more hassle than 1 adult flying to them!
Second if you have no reassurance she would not let the children be put in harms way with the bio dad then you cannot allow that to happen. You are in charge of making sure these children are safe and would not be doing what was in the best interest of the children.
Also I think if she came to visit I would find her a nice, economical hotel to stay in so you at least have some peace while she is there.
If the adoptives' were to come here to see Missy, they would not stay with me nor would they be allowed to spend time alone with Missy. It is in her best interest not to become emotionally upset or have guilt trips laid on her and both would happen if she were with them alone, plus she has no desire to spend time alone with them, she's afraid they will steal her and make her go back to Indiana with them.
I had a feeling you'd side with her visiting us. I do like the idea of meeting halfway, though. There are a lot of interesting places I wouldn't mind visiting between NJ and TX.
Maybe we'll arrange something like that!
Any way, I agree with so many sides here... Especially the one where I wouldn't let the kids go to Tx without you. I agree, you aren't close enough in case something were to happen... I love the idea of meeting half way.
If their grandma doesn't want to be willing to work with you on this, then I wouldn't make the effort. Besides, Texas is VERY hot right now and it's a different kind of heat... Y'all probably wouldn't want to come here until October sometime where it isn't so hot. I call it the time between hotter than hell and just hell. LOL
I have relatives in FL, and would never want to see them unless it was snowing up here :-)
I think I'm going to recommend the halfway idea. Maybe a nice beach in North or South Carolina. YUM!
That said, I would offer the meeting half way. If she's anything like my gs's other gp's, and she sounds exactly like them, she won't take you up on it, but at least you have offered. Personally, I would not go the whole distance for several reasons. 1) it is a controlling move - you bring your whole family here rather than me (one person) coming there. Tell me which scenario would make more sense to a sensible person? 2) If you do it once, she will expect it time and again. 3) Controlling people start out seeming very nice, but they do it to get what they want. Just be aware of this. How much effort would she have to expend to send gc a card on or at least near CM or a birthday?
I have struggled much with these very issues with my gs's gp's, esp. when they call and give me the big guilt trip over not bringing him to visit. I have repeatedly offered to meet half way and to have them visit here, even to providing meals for their visit. Only once a year do they manage to visit, call, send a card or have ANY form of contact with gs. They claim it is because they don't like me, but hey! What contact would they have with me if they sent gs a card for his bd or a present at CM??? You have to remove yourself, stand back, and look at the situation through glasses that take away the emotion and just allow you to see the logic.
Let's face it. It makes no sense for the person, whether it's a family of 2 or of 12, who already has all of the expense and daily grind of caring for the child, to pick up and go across every so many states to visit relatives who don't even have contact otherwise, just because they want us to. It just makes no logical sense whatsoever. If the people were sick or disabled, it would be different. Perhaps even if they are very elderly and afraid to travel alone. But in that case, knowing that we take care of this child 24/7, I think an offer of financial help would be appropriate at the least, if it is solely for their pleasure.
IMO....I seem to have a lot of opinions today...lol.
I agree with skeeter. it is a bit controlling.
I think the kids could easily be manipulated if they were out from under your watchful eye. They could come home with a whole mess of confusion and behavioral issues, that you have worked so hard to avoid.
Especially as they get older. Little seeds get planted in their heads and when they start questioning your authority, who might they seek? The enabling gramma and bio dad. (distance is probably in your favor here)
You are under no obligation.
When my husband's daughter was trying to decide what to do about each pregnancy, the TX grandmother offered to raise "her" two -- the youngest. (The eldest isn't her bio granddaughter) We said no dice, the kids would not be split up.
She also wanted to terminate my husband's daughter's parental rights -- had all the paperwork drawn up, etc. But She wouldn't go for it and came back to NJ.
So yeah, there have been some pretty odd things. Like the time the TX grandmother asked her son (the bio-dad of the two youngest) to clean out the house she had given him, and her son, the eldest grandbaby, and the "mother" disappeared for three days.
My husband, I suppose, is feeling all Christian duty-bound to "keep the grandmother in their lives," but I feel that since she isn't there anyway, what's the point?
Maybe this winter we can do a trip to SC or someplace warmer and meet her there for a long weekend....