Oh, and the "real" dad (what a laugh) has not wanted nor had anything to do with his child since "Mom" got pregnant. He didn't even respond to the custody papers, has never spoken to "Mom" and probably doesn't even want to think about the fact that he has a child.

boy what a tough sitsuation! i had a friend whose ex-husband got remarried and after which had zero contact with his sons. They are grown men now but hold a lot of resentment. i know it might be easy to tell the kids that he is not a real daddy cause he has not seen the kids, but i am not sure if that is the best thing to do. as the kids get older they may resent you for this. is there a therapist you can contact concerning this issue in regards to the 10 year old? i hope you can get help with this issue.

It's a toughie, allright.
I'm hoping that one day they'll ask a blatant question and I can give an honest answer. But I know if I bring up the issue I'LL be the bad guy. So I keep silent, and feel as if I'm betraying my granddaughter.

Sara, what a tough situation! And I'll say right off the bat that I've never had experience with this type of situation, so take my answer with a big grain of salt. My answer is only based upon what 1) I would feel if I were in your gd's position - mostly this and 2) what I, as a parent, would have as responsibility and feelings.

Here's what my opinion is:

In my family, we always had a "rights of passage" day. For the girls, I took them out for a fancy dinner, where they were talked to about lots of issues that I wanted to cover (again or make of special importance) and they received a "promise ring" at this dinner as well. This ring was usually made of gold - my one daughter's was a black hills gold ring. This usually took place about the age of 13.

IMO, this is where I would have revealed the truth of the parentage. You know how to do it. But I think this setting would have been appropriate, and I surely would want to do it before she learned of it somewhere else, but when she is old enough to understand, yet in a setting where I could reassure her that while those are the facts of her biology, these are the facts of the heart.

Again, only an opinion.... God Bless your decision, Sara

The dilemmas never end, do they. Mine is 8 and has 5 half siblings now - none of which are full siblings to the other and none of which are in her life like she would love to have them. Even though she doesn't know the birds and bees, I go over things from time to time with her about who is the birth mother, birth father with each. I had to start doing this because she was getting so confused. She gets real upset if she learns something surprising and thinks I kept it from her. So in my case I wouldn't be able to wait much longer if I were in your shoes. She'd be too upset with me. I'm sure in the right setting and with her knowing you are all about her heart, you will see her through this. As always - we stay and pick up the peices with them.

I like that dinner idea. She's a very perceptive girl, and extremely thoughtful for her age (almost 10). Of course, she's the eldest of a codependent family, so she's the "caretaker," as they say.

For some odd reason, she and I bonded like mother and daughter from the very first time I saw her at 5 months old. Even other family members marvel at it, and I don't know why. Chemistry, maybe?

So maybe that bond will be enough to hold. I hope!!!

I think you could take her for the dinner any time you think she's ready, if she's mature for her age. Usually the oldest child is. Use your own judgement.

The dinner was a REALLY special event in both of my daughter's lives. They still talk about theirs, and they are now 31 and almost 20. lol. Play it up and make it special! ;) Have a wonderful time!

Oh! I forgot to mention that I also picked out a verse that I gave to them as a special verse for their lives at that dinner as well. I got all of these ideas from friends of mine. I'm merely passing them on because they are what worked for me! ;) God Bless!

Well, the dilemma solved itself by accident and my big mouth!

Our eldest granddaughter (age 10) was asking about her mother's drug use. She asked me what the longest period of time was that her mom went without using.

Without even thinking, I said "well, she didn't drink or do drugs the entire time she was pregnant with you. Then she met (Him)."

Suddenly, I realized what i'd said and I looked at her -- she realized it, too! She said "Hmmmm, so that means that my mom was dating someone else.." and I said "Boy, I just stepped in that, didn't I?" And thank God we both laughed.

That broke the ice, and I was able to tell her that the guy she thought was her "Daddy" wasn't. I did tell her that, had he not gotten into drugs with her mom, he would have raised her as his own because he did love her very much (this was true before he went on to have three more kids).

I'm kind of thankful that it happened like this, because I know with all my heart that if we waited until she was a teenager she would have become resentful, what with dealing with all the other teenage angst. Now she has time to process it while she's still hormone-free :-)

She says she'll ask her mother to tell her more, but she may or may not have the courage. For now I'm leaving it where it is. She asked a few questions about an hour after the revelation, and I'm sure she'll have more. But I suppose the best course of action is to let her bring up the topic.

WHEW!!!!!

So is she asking you questions now about her "real" Dad? I just hope she doesn't get her hopes up or doesn't "create" a father who doesn't exist; you know? I think the latter is a very normal thing for children to do when they find out later in their childhood that they've never really met their bio parent. She may also struggle a little bit with knowing that her siblings are her half siblings, but to each other, they are full siblings; even if she doesn't verbalize it. I'm basing this on my own experience watching my goddaughter's reaction when she found out at age 6 that her "daddy" (who, btw was an awesome daddy) wasn't her bio and that she had a bio out there somewhere that she could go look for when she turned 18. She then found out that her brother & sister weren't full siblings. She never verbalized it to me, but I watched her struggle with anxiety and some other behavioral issues which I felt were directly related to her new revelation. It's all good now. She's grown and has a great relationship with "both" of her fathers. Bio really didn't know about her until she was 21 and is now happy to be a part of her life. Much better scenario, I know, than what you've got to deal with. Just saying the little girl may have some new struggles going on in her little mind. Sounds like you're getting closer and closer with her, though, so that's GREAT and will help her get through it. Keep up the fantastic work.

I hope she deals with it in a healthy manner. We do know who her bio is. He didn't want anything to do with her "mother" from the moment she got pregnant. He wasn't much more than a one-night stand. He never contested our custody petition, either -- never responded. She asked if she has other brothers and sisters, and I had to say I didn't know, because we don't. He may have married in the 10 years since she was conceived. But as I said we do know who he is and where he lives. Someday she may decide to contact him, but that would be up to her.

The other "father" didn't, either, but we have a cordial relationship with his mother (granny to the two youngest) and she knows what a load her son is.

Since I'm stepmother to my husband's three children, my grandchildren know that a family doesn't have to be "bio" to be a real family. Such a sad state of affairs, huh?