Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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nutsandbolts 05/29/2012

Last Thursday was the last day of school. I decided to play hooky from work on Friday and spend it with the littler kids since oldest GD went over to her Bio moms house for the weekend. DD must have thought I would have the kids in DC and came over. I told her she needed to leave due to the kids being home. Boy oh boy DD went nuts! Called me every name in the book, told me they are her kids and they haven't seen each other in months and now that they see each other why am I being a F*#K C#NT about it. I'm glad we had our friend from back east visiting to help because I was sure she was going to hit me!

My GD was crying telling her mom to stop, that she's making things worse, my GS was hanging onto my leg and I'm trying to get the kids from the back yard into the house so I can lock the doors! My poor GD was acting/saying things like the adult to her mother and at the same time was stuck between having to hear me say to her mom leave ,and her wanting to see her mom. GS was freaked out, didn't know what the heck was going on! After I got the kids in the house and DD left, It took a few minutes to get the kids to calm down. We now have an inside lock on the gate so when we are in the back yard we can keep it locked so just anybody doesn't come in...Why we didn't think of this before I have no idea!

Seeing my daughter act like she did, solidified the fact of us adopting and keeping the kids safe with us is soooo needed.

Our friends left for home this morning. I'm so thankful they were here when this happened.

Bonkers2 05/29/2012

Enough is enough!!!!! I'm so sorry you and your friends and family had to go through this nightmare. I think most of us put up with entirely more than we should have to. We all have our OWN lives or should have.
I hope and pray your adoption goes through very soon and God bless you.

SaraBT 05/29/2012

AAARRRGGHH! That reminds me of the time Pinky went off on me because I found out she'd been arrested. That led to a total ban on visits for nearly two months. Now she's back on the straight 'n' narrow again (I think), but one never knows...

It's awful that the kids have to see that, isn't it? After Pinky's episode I reminded the kids that this was why they're with us. Might've been a nasty thing to do, but there you have it :-0

deleted_user 05/29/2012

That is one of my biggest fears through this whole thing, that my DD will freak out on me. She has several times before and believe me, I try very hard not to let that happen. It is like constantly walking on eggshells. But she has the oldest and youngest girls, I have her middle one, and I don't want to lose contact with the other girls.

daisydduck 05/30/2012

I will never understand the children that we loved so much can be so hateful. I have shed many tears for my family. I hope you and your gc can salvage enough to continue on your trek to become a family. I won't say that you should not let your daughters words and actions bother you but I know all too well the difficult to accept that behavior.

nutsandbolts 05/30/2012

I'm finding it hard to remove DD words out of my mind. After the adoption we were going to allow her to come and visit the kids at our home. We figured the kids would have the best of both worlds, living with us where it's safe and being able to see their Mom. She broke the call before coming rule and after what she did, we're not going to allow any visits. Our home was made as a safe haven for the kids, and she busted that up!
My little GD had a crying spell about missing her Mom last night. This was the first time she cried for her since we got them back in Nov. I figured alot of it had to do with being up front with her that when she came back from the foster home she wasn't going to see her Mom, she was going to live with us and because she had been living with us prior to the foster home, she was happy to be home. I told her last night it's ok to cry, her mommy is my little girl and I've cried too, but we don't act like that and we don't talk like that. I also reminded her that she might be use to seeing mommy acting like she did before coming here, but that doesn't make it right and baby brother was freaked out cause he's never seen anything like that... people don't act like that!

NannaKMS 05/31/2012

Last summer when my daughter was living with us ( she had no where to go and was pregnant and sick, she did have abortion in that time too ) she had a few outbursts in front of gs, and he still remembers it. I don't want my gs to grow up seeing that and we had no contact with my daughter for 7 months now shes been clean for awhile 4 months and is going to rehab this summer, so we will see if she does or how that goes. Your doing the right thing by keeping her from those kids, they don't need that crap in their lives they've been through enough.

GMaWilli 05/31/2012

My adult kids usually behave that way when they're in need of a fix. You are in control, so you can set the boundaries. She will have to comply or you can refuse to let her see the children. I would let her know in no uncertain terms that you won't allow her to behave that way towards you, ESP in front of the kids, and if she can't agree to that, then she'll have to stay away. I wouldn't allow her unsupervised time with the kids because I have a feeling she will back-stab and undermine and cause confusion and chaos. So sorry she's treating you this way after everything you've done to get those kids back with you and give them stability. She better stop and consider that if they were still with that foster family and they adopted them, she would never get to see them until they're 18 no matter how well she behaves. Stand your ground.

GMaWilli 05/31/2012

I have to be honest, I don't know that I could let her back into my life after calling me a name like that.................but I do know addiction controls their emotions and if she would get clean and stay clean, she would hopefully be very remorseful for that.

nutsandbolts 05/31/2012

GMawilli, I stood my ground on that day. She texted me on Tuesday, as if nothing happened! I sent the text back saying not to contact me again we're not interested. The straw that broke the camels back accured on Friday. I want nothing to do with her or her kind. She is now the type of person I tried keeping her and her brothers away from when they were growing up.

If I ever feel soft hearted, I'll just allow that day to enter my mind and know it's not good for the kids or for me. I'm not the same person I was two years ago, in a way I say I'm broken because I use to see the good in people, but now after everything I have been through...

I feel like being selfish for once...damn I've been stepped on by every agency and court in this area, and I'm the one that did nothing wrong besides love those kids..What I had to do to fight for those kids to get them with us. She did nothing but party! When she came up dirty on the last test, we never thought about allowing unsupervised visits, we thought about supervised visits at our house after the adoption... Not anymore!

SaraBT 05/31/2012

Nuts, I can totally identify with this:

"I'm not the same person I was two years ago, in a way I say I'm broken because I use to see the good in people, but now after everything I have been through..."

I get into some rough debates about entitlement reform, because I see it from a completely different angle than most people. Where they see poor people who need help, I now see druggies who sell their food stamp cards and scam the system for years. Where they see a need to legalize drugs, I now see even more addicts destroying their families legally. Where they say that legalized drugs would raise money for rehabs, all I see is Pinky's five rehab tours -- that accomplished nothing at all.

I guess I'm getting cynical, but I guess it's hard not to when you're deep in the trenches.

daisydduck 05/31/2012

I know it's hard but don't blame yourself. Regarding your gd missing mom, she may be just confused. Perhaps you s/seek some grief therapy to help her out. It's natural for the children to feel guilty over bio and many times they blame themselves rather than the offending parent. When our gs started to call me mom, I felt so guilty because his mom (our daughter) had passed away. I felt like I was stealing her child! The therapist helped me to understand it would be best for him if he was comfortable calling us mom and dad, so we did become mom and dad, again. You will see that time will heal for all of you.

GMaWilli 05/31/2012

I, too, feel broken. I think I used to be a fairly mild mannered, sweet, easy-going person. Now I feel anxious and angry and always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I used to like myself more than I do now. I've been changed by the addicts in my life, and, the way I see it, not for the better.

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