Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
I have had custody of my grandson since oct 07. He was 13 months old. It has been 2 years. His mother (17 years old at his birth) lived with me off and on, I would kick her out for stuff like having a boyfriend sneak in and sleep in the room with the 2 of them, for cursing us out, for allowing her bf to hide beer cans in the dresser beside the crib..all while we were under DSS scrutiny as she was supposed to get a job and get him back.In 2008 she got pregnant, I sent her to pregnancy home, she lived with her boyfriend, ended up back at my house on bedrest. Lost the baby at 7 months. Got pregnant again 2 months later, sent her to pregnancy home. DSS closed the case leaving grandson in my care in late 2008. Dec 2008 she has baby girl. Took grandson overnight without my permission in Jan 2009, allowed her non licensed 4 foot tall friend to total my car, with baby in car. Kicked her out again, with baby girl. Id go get her on weekends so I could see baby girl and she could visit with grandson. During that time, she was living with friends with pit-bulls in house, baby was picked up stinking and sweaty in thermals in 90 degree weather, ect. Her friends to hang with have rap sheets for drug manufacturing and distribution, robbery. She was calling me in April, crying that she couldnt handle baby. I let her come home, she was calling me at work crying about not being able to handle the baby, May 2009 I put baby in daycare, which I pay for. She could have gotten free daycare, if only she would get a JOB. I got her to start therapy, which she started missing appointments and/or not going at all.( I think she could be undiagnosed BPD)
Whenever she wouldnt get her way, she would curse and threaten she was going back to live with her friends with the baby.
I called DSS in July and told them about my situation. In August, they made her sign a treatment plan leaving baby with me, she is supposed to go to regular therapy and GET A JOB. She got near free housing. Now she wants grandson to spend the night at her house, as she still has unsupervised with him, not with baby girl. I dont know what she does over there, but I have heard rumors theres drinking, have seen that other adults from that project spend the night at her house. Now she says she is done with her neighbors, and is applying for housing elsewhere
She says she has a job, but cant really tell me where, says she will be answering phones from home, cant tell me for whoHer sister said biomom asked her sister if she wanted to do a lingerie shoot, with new biomoms boyfriend taking the shots.Biomom now spends most of her time at boyfriends house, according to herself.
Biomom does come over every weekend and spends time with the kids. (when she is not on phone arguing with biodad of baby girl, until I hang up the phone)
Biodad pays child support, gets babygirl every weekend for the day, some overnights. He lives with his parents, whom I believe are responsible good people. However, he is 27, and although he keeps talking about getting the baby himself, I dont see him keeping a steady job (probably due to drinking problem), or getting his own place. I dont think his parents, although they love granddaughter on weekends, are willing to shoulder the responsibility of raising her. They tend to kick him out when he looses his job, then they let him come back.So even his living condition is not stable.At this point I would have a difficult time giving her up, and she has had a stable home, room, bed, at my house for 2/3 of her life. Not to mention grandma, pawpaw, and brother to love her.
She keeps talking about getting them both back. I suppose it would be cruel to tell biomom she is not getting grandson back. Maybe living in denial is easier for her. She could still get granddaughter back, if she would get a REAL JOB.
SHE HASNT WORKED IN 2 YEARS.
Biobstrd of grandson will most likely be getting out of prison(for child abuse) in Feb. He will be wanting visitation, but he would have to pay for supervised and should be required to pay and complete treatment plan. (never had a job) HOPEFULLY he will go away, but I guarantee that wont happen right away.
When do I just say, the heck with this crap, and put in for TPR and adoption? Father can be TPRd for the child abuse. No one has ever paid child support, and that is grounds in itself in my state, however the judge would need to agree TPR is in the best interest of the child, although he does have some relationship with his mother. I just dont know if its mom/child or child/sibling/buddy.
Whenever she wouldnt get her way, she would curse and threaten she was going back to live with her friends with the baby.
I called DSS in July and told them about my situation. In August, they made her sign a treatment plan leaving baby with me, she is supposed to go to regular therapy and GET A JOB. She got near free housing. Now she wants grandson to spend the night at her house, as she still has unsupervised with him, not with baby girl. I dont know what she does over there, but I have heard rumors theres drinking, have seen that other adults from that project spend the night at her house. Now she says she is done with her neighbors, and is applying for housing elsewhere
She says she has a job, but cant really tell me where, says she will be answering phones from home, cant tell me for whoHer sister said biomom asked her sister if she wanted to do a lingerie shoot, with new biomoms boyfriend taking the shots.Biomom now spends most of her time at boyfriends house, according to herself.
Biomom does come over every weekend and spends time with the kids. (when she is not on phone arguing with biodad of baby girl, until I hang up the phone)
Biodad pays child support, gets babygirl every weekend for the day, some overnights. He lives with his parents, whom I believe are responsible good people. However, he is 27, and although he keeps talking about getting the baby himself, I dont see him keeping a steady job (probably due to drinking problem), or getting his own place. I dont think his parents, although they love granddaughter on weekends, are willing to shoulder the responsibility of raising her. They tend to kick him out when he looses his job, then they let him come back.So even his living condition is not stable.At this point I would have a difficult time giving her up, and she has had a stable home, room, bed, at my house for 2/3 of her life. Not to mention grandma, pawpaw, and brother to love her.
She keeps talking about getting them both back. I suppose it would be cruel to tell biomom she is not getting grandson back. Maybe living in denial is easier for her. She could still get granddaughter back, if she would get a REAL JOB.
SHE HASNT WORKED IN 2 YEARS.
Biobstrd of grandson will most likely be getting out of prison(for child abuse) in Feb. He will be wanting visitation, but he would have to pay for supervised and should be required to pay and complete treatment plan. (never had a job) HOPEFULLY he will go away, but I guarantee that wont happen right away.
When do I just say, the heck with this crap, and put in for TPR and adoption? Father can be TPRd for the child abuse. No one has ever paid child support, and that is grounds in itself in my state, however the judge would need to agree TPR is in the best interest of the child, although he does have some relationship with his mother. I just dont know if its mom/child or child/sibling/buddy.
I think too much....
Also we dont allow our daughter to live with us because of her here today gone tomorrow ways and I am not putting my GS in the situation of wondering where mommy is every other day. Plus she cant handle the stress of a two year old around all the time her being stressed out will keep everybody stressed out. now thats not to say if there wasnt another choice I WOULDNT allow her to stay with us just so far my parents have allowed her to stay with them for these reasons. After all she is my daughter.
Maybe I haven't been at this as long as others, but by the time I get to where you are, I hope that I have already done what you are trying to decide to do. You have been the only stable element in either of these two kids lives, so why not make it permanent?
Is there going to be an epiphany in the bio-parents that is going to cause them to see the err in their ways? Have they been the victim of circumstances beyond their control that has kept them from being good parent? Will you sleep better at night knowing that if something happens to you, that you will be the one who has left your wishes and instructions as to what happens to the grands? If your first two answers are no and the second one is yes, then I say go for it.
Just because you do the legal TPR and adoption, that doesn't mean that the bios can't ever see the children again, but at least it will be on your terms. You don't sound like the kind of person who would cut ties to people who you believed your Gkids would benefit by seeing.
Good luck, hon, and as always, JMHO:)
We saw the writing on the wall almost immediately and the Casey Anthony case fueled us to act swiftly. We weren't going to risk our irresponsible, selfish daughter harming her own daughter through neglect, and the alcoholic biodad was and continues to be unable to support himself.
We got legal custody 2 years ago, and adopted this month. Once the bioparents realize they are off the hook for child support and can just come around to play with their own kids when it's convenient, they sign the TPRs fairly willingly (at least in our case).
I urge anyone and everyone in the situation described throughout this thread to adopt. BTW, we saw a family counselor three months ago and it was at HER urging that we started the adoption process. She reminded us that children's basic personality and sense of self are pretty well set by the time they reach age 6. If their only safe harbor is the grandparents, then it behooves us to step up and save these sweet helpless children.
If it wasn't family (our daughter's and son's) would we be hesitating and wondering what we should do?
I just asked the question of myself for a similar situation and I figured out that while I would most likely give the bio-parents some time, but I would have never given them a year and a half like I have Bug's parents. Once the attachment was formed for the child, I'd be fighting like *ell to keep them; especially if it was a better situation for the child.
So many of the young adults THINK they are ready to be Mom and Dad, but when they are faced with the day to day (not the tv and movie version they think it will be) they don't want or find they cannot do it. They don't seem to have a problem walking away and letting someone else do it while they find themselves.
There are consequences in life for every action and inaction, it's time they find that out.
Liz
Your exactly correct: How would we deal with it if it weren't our son or daughter? That's what I learned to do in Al-Anon. It's a bit easier for me than for my husband, because I'm the "stepmother," so I'm already a little more detached.
But his daughter is done with us. Through. End. No more visitation, and phone calls only if she stops lying to the children. She will NEVER, EVER live with us again. We will NEVER, EVER give her money, rides, food, furniture -- nothing.
She has got to want sobriety more than she wants drugs and alcohol. Until that time comes, and we increasingly doubt it will ever come, nothing but nothing we do will help her one tiny, eensy, weensy little bit.
That's a hard thing to realize, but realize it we must for our own sanity, and for the sake of our grandchildren.
Biodad of girl is telling biomom he wants her full time, but he hasn't said anything to me about that.( maybe he's just threatening her with that, because he is currently mad she is getting the child support and not the baby) Since he signed the treatment plan placing her in my care, DSS can tell him he has to wait until we reaccess in 6 months, and hopefully by then we will know if he is going to really get stable.
He has been faithfull with visitation and child support, so maybe he loves her enough to step up. But he needs to get his license straightened out, and get a car, and line up daycare, as he works evenings. And I would want a drug test to assure myself he is clean. From his actions lately, other than arguing with biomom , he seems to be taking on his responsibility. don't know if he's mature enough to be a full time single parent though. As some of you know, that's hard business not for the faint of heart.
In the beginning, I gave my daughter so much time to get it together because she was barely 17 when she had him, and I thought she would mature. She turned 20 in August, so although she is older, and sometimes shows little windows of hope, she still looks to me like she is more concerned with finding a boyfriend to support her than she is willing to find a real job and support her kids herself. And even that wouldn't worry me if she chose boyfriends without rap sheets, who have a place to live, car. and a job lasting more than 6 months.
Bring back arranged marriages!! Please does anyone know a sailor I can marry her off to? Preferably in their 30's so they are patient and can put up with her temper and unreasonableness............
Many of us don't have the financial means to adopt and many others of us live in states that refuse to terminate the parents' rights. You have the chance to do what most of us WOULD do if we could!
I have had my gs 3 years, since 6 months old. My ds had never held down a job and is an alcoholic, still in denial. He has announced he is going to try to get gs back. He has another child on the way and had one aborted, all 3 by different mothers. Now I have to live with the worry that he MIGHT get gs back. It is the biggest worry I have. I'd do anything to be able to adopt him!
Go for it! God Bless!
You have to evaluate your own situation and do what you feel is best for your family and your gc.
{{{HUGS}}}