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Visitation schedule advice please

scgramma
scgramma
Biomom pops up whe. She wants to , irregular and inconsistent, might be a week , might be a month. Kids were fairly adjusted when she was showing up about monthly.7 yo would cry when she leaves but 4 yo would only get upset sometimes.
Now they regress , 7 yo can't put pjs on without bawling for mommy to do it. They cling to her . She gets mad at them for being in her personal space....
When she left last night ( after showing up unannounced because she has a dr appt Wednesday ) the now 5 yo went nuts, refusing to let her go , screaming for about 40 mins while bio tried to pry her off and find her cell phone . It was bedtime and 5yo cried for mommy to help her get dressed. Bio yells at her for "trying to pull me off stool and make me fall" then since child was crying she carries her to bedroom to change. Typical go away come here bs. When she finally left gd hit wall so hard and was crying about her hand I was afraid she might have fractured it but seems ok now.

I told bio from now on she has to be gone by 8, takes too long to calm kids and get them to bed
I don't think this inconsistent pop in whenever is working for the kids. Mom lives in another state . Should I tell her every other weekend or once a month or every 3 weeks? Or is this just something I need to learn to cope with? Which helps aleve any abandonment or seperation anxiety issues?

Mom is undiagnosed unofficial borderline, currently 3 months pregnant and hiding it from kids as she says shes giving up to adoption , lives with bf who she says she's leaving ASAP, he maintains he wants his baby , she doesnt want baby she cant take care of or to pay child support...

My custody papers say as agreed upon visitation
nutsandbolts
nutsandbolts
SC, Sorry your having problems with DD and children. If the court order reads "agreed upon visitation" Sounds like the court still wants you and DD to work things out. I would offer your DD a visitation time and dates and most of all stick to it! If she has a problem with it, go back to court. It is your home and you are looking out for the best interst of the children. One thing to remember if she pops up and it's late don't let her in.

Children shouldn't be answering doors, so if you answer and it's her, just step outside and let her know she either missed the visit or it's to late for a visit.

How in the world does your DD exspect to keep her pregnancy from those kids????
dianaconroy
dianaconroy
I had th same issue. Bio mom communicated at least weekly to tell us why she couldn't make it for a visit. So we changed the visits to every two week. Again we would get the call to tell us why she couldn't make it. So I changed it to Once a month. The kids were doing really well when she wasn't visiting, they don't cry for her or ask about her. But when she visits our 4 year old acts out. I'm thinking of changing the visits again. But we're waiting to see if there truly is a link between her visits and his acting out.
mommagain
mommagain
scgramma... it has been my experience that bios do what they want regardless of what we say UNLESS you are ready to enforce it...Personally if you are going to give a set day and time I would start with telling the bio,,, "we need to decide on a set schedule for visitation" and allow her to help chose the days and times... other wise it will always be a problem... if they help decide on the schedule then at least you can come back at them with you helped make the schedule... IF she refuses to help with it then do what makes since to you... say every Sunday between 1-6 it with a 24 hour notice of intent to visit... make it clear without the notice you will not be at her disposable. really doesn't matter bios never make all their visit anyway... you give her every Sunday he may make 1 or 2 a month...
deleted_user
deleted_user
I totally agree with mommaagain, as well as the other replies. I would most certainly tell bio that there needs to be a schedule, and even offer the most important reason why- that the children need consistency and they need to know what to expect. I also agree that she needs to be gone long before bed time so that the kids can calm down and not go to bed so upset.
Also, those kids are old enough that they will soon be able to tell that mom is pregnant. As nutsandbolts asked, how does she think she is going to hide it? I sure hope you can work something out that won't leave those poor kids in such turmoil.
scgramma
scgramma
Thanks all, I will be having this conversation tonight . She will no doubt be very hostile as she doesn't have enough stability to stick to a schedule. Honestly she can only come up here as her bf hands her money, and that relationship is rocky at best. Your feel sorry for her if uou didn't know how difficult she is to get along with, which is why she can't maintain relationships with anyone for long even when they bend over backwards to help her.
I feel I have to eliminate weekday droppins as they are so disruptive

She needs to schedule her dr visits where she lives , and she is starting to show so I was hoping shed stay gone awhile...
scgramma
scgramma
Had visitation discussion with bio. She told me she was telling the kids she is leaving town Sunday . She says she won't see them until after babies birth in July, as she is getting too big to hide pregnancy much longer.
I told her we should discuss her phone call schedule. She avoids that and then starts grilling me on why I don't agree she should adopt baby out instead of letting the father have child. I told her I thought they should have that right. I got cursed out and told she is getting her kids back from me and refuses to pay child support for another child. I

reminded her these kids ha e been waiting 6 years for that to happen and would most likely live here until they were 18 . I should have know. Not to discuss reality. She of course flipped out cursed me out and says she's done wih me forever. All I can think of is that would be nice. I could use the peace and lack of drama.....
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh scgramma, I laughed out loud! Not a funny situation at all but, YES(!) wouldn't it be nice!
daisydduck
daisydduck
It's likely she will continue to control visits. You can exercise control but she will probably just try another tactic. Don't know where you ,or she stand on therapy but you tell her she needs to attend parenting classes or see a therapist as to why she is upsetting kids. Tell her visitation will be restricted until she complies.
redheadfrog
redheadfrog
scgramma,
When I read...All I can think of is that would be nice. I could use the peace and lack of drama..... I laughed so hard! I know, I've felt this way many times.