Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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Very Long Time

pbkzata
pbkzata
It has been a very, very long time since I've posted to this site. A very few may remember me... Daisy, Sara (glad you are going for adoption, Sara!)... In any event, coming up to speed. I've had my gs since he was 5 and he is now 15. He is daughter's child.. gs is first of 2, the 2nd is a little girl who is now almost 6, gs's half sibling. She is in foster care right now with ppl who she has lived with more than 1/2 her life, first as an infant, then she was returned to my DD at the age of 10 months. DD was in rehab... but then came back to the area when baby was almost 2. Actually developed a relationship with former foster family and the baby was spending a LOT of time with them. Meanwhile, DD had relationship with a dirt-bag, druggie, thief (typical!) who wanted to be baby's daddy. Fall of 2012 I called CPS b/c "daddy" (no he is not her bio) had taken the baby and they were fighting over her, lots of physical violence, both I suspect on drugs. GD went again with fosters and CPS had her on "reunification" track. DD actually did very well for about 9 months and had the little one returned to her. At the time, she was living in a drug-free facility and in a program. She had the little one back for 3 weeks... that's WEEKS... and had a dirty drug test, got thrown out of the program... and a real mess ensued. She got evicted (of course) and and went into a bipolar spin out. (Did I mention bipolar?) Anyway, the episode was very bad and she ended up alienating her son to the point he did not want to see her or talk to her. Come spring, she swore she was on meds and doing well again (I stayed in touch with her). As of beginning of December, though, gs had not seen or talked to her since January 5, 2014. I got the phone call on Dec 5th that she had been taken to the hospital... and didn't make it. OD'd in the company of a different dirt-bag, druggie, thief. Not sure why I'm writing here... decisions have been made that gd will stay with fosters and be adopted by them. She know them much better than she knows us and they are very good ppl who I believe will allow us to have a relationship with her as grand-parents. I still feel a bit guilty that I don't want to raise her...
chonna
chonna
Stop the guilt, No More of that. Be proud of what you have done for your daughter and grand son. You've given your daughter every possible chance and she just can't accept the challenge of being a responsible adult. Your grandson is almost grown at the age of 15 and you've given him more than his momma did. As the song says Let It Go. You aren't leaving the little one in the hands of strangers never to see her again. Like you said these are good folks, sounds like they are YOUNG enough to give her a great childhood and you can still be part of her life as a grandparent which is what you actually are.. I say you have fought the good fight and now it's your turn to rest. Bountiful Blessings on you
SaraBT
SaraBT
I agree - you're doing the right thing by your grandson, and the fosters appear to be doing the right thing by your granddaughter. What's best for HER is what counts, and the fosters have given her the only stability she knows. It's good that you have a relationship with them, so you can be her grandma and do all of the things grandmas do :-)
daisydduck
daisydduck
Welcome back. My sympathies on loss of your daughter. You have made some very tough decisions. I hope you are right that the fosters will include you in granddaughters life. She will benefit from your relationship. Has your granddaughter suffered repercussions from mom's situation? Wish you the best!.
pbkzata
pbkzata
I really do believe that it is best for gd that she remain with the fosters. She was seeing dd every week for an hour at DCFS and dd never missed visits. DD really did try very, very hard, lost everything... and I mean EVERYTHING, all possessions, place to live, driver's license, car... and managed to get herself back somewhat every time. And she was a beautiful person, much loved by everyone, when she wasn't in a bipolar episode or doing drugs (which usually occurred concurrently). I guess the demons of bipolar and addiction were finally just too much. I think it's even possible that she OD'd because she hadn't done drugs in a long time and used as much as she used to use. Tolerance was gone. GD seems to be doing fairly well under the circumstances. She is seeing a therapist and asked me last night if we could make a memory box of "mommy A_____." I told her of course, I would be glad to help her do that. I would like to have foster-mom involved in it, too, so that we can agree, ahead, on what is appropriate. I have her mom's jewelry to give her at some point. It is costume jewelry, not worth very much, but she should have it. I'm also unsure what to do about our will and whether we should name her in it or not. Right now, dd is named for 30%, 20% to gs and 50% to my son. Will have to remove dd and my gs is more my son than gs but not sure what we should do about gd. Complicating that is I have another gs through my son; if we leave to gd should we also leave to 3rd gs??? (Not planning to go anywhere any time soon, but you never know!) Lot's of details still have to attend to surrounding dd passing.
redheadfrog
redheadfrog
Don't feel guilty. You should be proud, it is apparent these people love her and want her to be a part of their family. It is a great indicator that they are willing to let you be a part of her life.
grammy22
grammy22
Sorry about your daughter. I think you are making the right decision regarding your granddaughter. As for your will. There is no right or wrong decision. Just remember it is YOUR decision. The way I look at it is you are raising a GS who needs you more then your grown son does at this time. If you were to die tomorrow he would need more financial help then your son. Your GD will be provided for by her foster/adoptive parents. Your other GS is going to be provided for by your son. Remember though if you die before your GS is of age some one will need to handle his inheritance for him and you do not want some unknow family member stepping out of the wood work to try to take over. I am not saying to cut your son out, I am saying the age of your GS now makes a difference. If he would say 25-30 you might look at things differently.

Not easy, I still have not done anything with that aspect, to complicate things x-husband and I still own property jointly. Plus I now own property in a trust with mother and brothers and other property in trust with cousins. Property trusts can get VERY complicated as the years go by and expensive. But placing money in a trust for a child so it is handled by a responsible person is a smart thing to do for a minor.
pbkzata
pbkzata
Wow! Very very good points Grammie22. Especially the part about a family member coming out of the woodwork. GS is still in frequent contact with bio... also a no_account, dirt-bag, on-welfare druggie.who owes me $16,000 in child support at last count. I can easily see him trying to grab whatever he could from gs. Used to steal from the 5yo's piggy bank! I think I better take care of this soon.Thank you.
Hope4Delaney
Hope4Delaney
So sorry about the loss of your daughter. It's great that you have given your GS a stable and loving home. I agree with the other wise women here that your GD will benefit from having you get to be her grandma.

As far as your will goes, we consider our circumstances with our teen GD different than with our other grands. We are all she has. We are her parents and grandparents.