Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
This is unrelated to being a grandparent more extended family related so I hope you dont mind if I vent about things.
I only have one sibling. My brother has been an alcoholic since he was a teen and was also heavily into drugs then but I dont believe he uses any drugs other than alcohol now. He married at age 18 because his girlfriend was pregnant. They had 3 kids, but he never worked to support them his wife did. They divorced when their youngest was 5 because he cheated with another woman a really awful person, who he eventually married. He never worked because, in his own words If I work, then Ill have to pay child support. What a concept that he should support his children? He and his wife milked the system and took turns working just long enough to collect either Workers Comp because they were injured on their job or Unemployment because they were unreliable and fired, and took money from my parents to live on.
Unfortunately, my parents enabled him his entire life. They gave him money almost weekly, bought him every car hes ever owned, paid for things for him, etc. When he was 50, he was diagnosed with the same hereditary neurological degenerative disorder that killed our mother and began getting Social Security Disability. This disease had no impact on his prior behavior. My dad had about $5,000 invested in the last car he bought my brother. After our mother died, my brothers second wife threw him out and he moved in with our dad. Dad once again supported him for a couple of years until he drove drunk, ran off the road, hit a tree, and ended up in a nursing home for over a year because of his injuries. His three kids are all a mess, too. The oldest one is abusive to his wives (been married twice) and cant hold a job. Daughter is a drug addict, thief, and horrible liar. Youngest son never works either sponges off anyone who will support him girlfriend, his mother, step-sister, etc.
Three years ago, the daughter was about to be homeless, so she convinced my brother to move in with her so his SS would support her. She doesnt work either finds someone to sponge off from. And now it's yours and my tax money in the form of IRIS payments - the government is 'paying' her to 'take care of her dad'. Which consists of her taking drugs, running out, crashing and sleeping for days at at time. Durng the following years, neither he nor his kids ever contacted my dad no calls, visits, nothing - but at least Dad wasn't supporting him anymore.
I took care of both of my parents and DH, Tyler, and I did everything for them. My dad and Tyler were very, very, close. Dad came to every one of Tylers football and basketball games, they went fishing together, watched Sunday football together, etc. We mowed his lawn, shoveled snow, paid his bills, and he ate every meal with us. When my grandson, Tyler, started hunting, my dad gave him the couple guns he had left. Hed given the others to my brother years before, along with his fishing boat, and my brother sold them to buy cigarettes and beer.
My dad had a few accidents with his car and the last time he had an accident, the insurance company wanted to total it but he wanted to keep it. The State ordered him to take a drivers test he actually came within one point of passing it! But, he decided to give up driving and since we would need to drive him everyplace, he gave his car to me transferred the title to me. It was an eight-year-old car with extensive body damage, but low mileage and ran well. I actually spent about $2,500 on repairs. A year later, my dad began to show signs of dementia and went into a memory care facility the last nine months of his life. In the few years before that, he had some expensive home repairs new well, new furnace, garage repair, etc. And, he paid $11,000 for my mothers funeral, all of which depleted his savings. I was Power of Attorney for him once he was incompetent. I bought a burial trust so he would have a nice funeral just like he gave my mother, bought him a lift chair, clothes, etc. And, he was private pay at the memory care facility, which cost $6,800 per month. The week before he died, his savings had run out and I was applying for assistance to pay for his care.
After my father died, my brother and I jointly inherited my parents home. While I was arranging my Dad's funeral, my brother and his daughter just packed up and moved into the home and moved all of my parents things to the garage. I contacted a lawyer and since both of our names were on the title of the property, it would be nearly impossible to get them out of there. Well, 18 months later, they moved out because they had completely destroyed the house there was no way to salvage it. We ended up selling it to a neighbor for the value of the lot only and the buyers are paying someone to demolish the house. It breaks my heart knowing how hard my dad worked to keep their home so nice, neat, and clean and to see what they had done was almost too much to bear. But, at least I thought it was finally over and I could wash my hands of them.
Now, heres the kicker. My brother and his daughter plan to sue me because I took everything of Dads his car and guns and his money! Never mind that they moved everything in the entire house into the garage, including a very nice sofa set, and let the mice eat it. Or that they destroyed the property and we lost thousands of dollars in value because of them. Or that I have financial records to prove that I spent every penny of my dads money on his care. Or that the guns and car were given to us by my dad when he was completely competent and able to make decisions, or that my brother had been given much, much, more in all the previous years and that for the last three years of my dads life my brother never once called or visited him. He is going to sue me! And, hell probably get a free lawyer since hes disabled! As you all know, raising a grandchild is financially draining and the idea of spending money on a lawyer is more than I can deal with. Theres no reasoning with either him or his drug addict daughter. They spent all of my brother's share from the sale of the lot in one day and now think they found a way to get my share, too. They really are evil in its purest form.
I am struggling with this I know its a very un-Christian attitude and Im praying for help. But, right now, my brother and his devils spawn are all dead to me. I would not even go to his funeral. Oh, wait, he wont have one because they spent all of the money he got from the sale of the land in one day and didnt even set anything aside in a burial trust for him. Guess I wont need to feel guilty about not attending his funeral after all.
I only have one sibling. My brother has been an alcoholic since he was a teen and was also heavily into drugs then but I dont believe he uses any drugs other than alcohol now. He married at age 18 because his girlfriend was pregnant. They had 3 kids, but he never worked to support them his wife did. They divorced when their youngest was 5 because he cheated with another woman a really awful person, who he eventually married. He never worked because, in his own words If I work, then Ill have to pay child support. What a concept that he should support his children? He and his wife milked the system and took turns working just long enough to collect either Workers Comp because they were injured on their job or Unemployment because they were unreliable and fired, and took money from my parents to live on.
Unfortunately, my parents enabled him his entire life. They gave him money almost weekly, bought him every car hes ever owned, paid for things for him, etc. When he was 50, he was diagnosed with the same hereditary neurological degenerative disorder that killed our mother and began getting Social Security Disability. This disease had no impact on his prior behavior. My dad had about $5,000 invested in the last car he bought my brother. After our mother died, my brothers second wife threw him out and he moved in with our dad. Dad once again supported him for a couple of years until he drove drunk, ran off the road, hit a tree, and ended up in a nursing home for over a year because of his injuries. His three kids are all a mess, too. The oldest one is abusive to his wives (been married twice) and cant hold a job. Daughter is a drug addict, thief, and horrible liar. Youngest son never works either sponges off anyone who will support him girlfriend, his mother, step-sister, etc.
Three years ago, the daughter was about to be homeless, so she convinced my brother to move in with her so his SS would support her. She doesnt work either finds someone to sponge off from. And now it's yours and my tax money in the form of IRIS payments - the government is 'paying' her to 'take care of her dad'. Which consists of her taking drugs, running out, crashing and sleeping for days at at time. Durng the following years, neither he nor his kids ever contacted my dad no calls, visits, nothing - but at least Dad wasn't supporting him anymore.
I took care of both of my parents and DH, Tyler, and I did everything for them. My dad and Tyler were very, very, close. Dad came to every one of Tylers football and basketball games, they went fishing together, watched Sunday football together, etc. We mowed his lawn, shoveled snow, paid his bills, and he ate every meal with us. When my grandson, Tyler, started hunting, my dad gave him the couple guns he had left. Hed given the others to my brother years before, along with his fishing boat, and my brother sold them to buy cigarettes and beer.
My dad had a few accidents with his car and the last time he had an accident, the insurance company wanted to total it but he wanted to keep it. The State ordered him to take a drivers test he actually came within one point of passing it! But, he decided to give up driving and since we would need to drive him everyplace, he gave his car to me transferred the title to me. It was an eight-year-old car with extensive body damage, but low mileage and ran well. I actually spent about $2,500 on repairs. A year later, my dad began to show signs of dementia and went into a memory care facility the last nine months of his life. In the few years before that, he had some expensive home repairs new well, new furnace, garage repair, etc. And, he paid $11,000 for my mothers funeral, all of which depleted his savings. I was Power of Attorney for him once he was incompetent. I bought a burial trust so he would have a nice funeral just like he gave my mother, bought him a lift chair, clothes, etc. And, he was private pay at the memory care facility, which cost $6,800 per month. The week before he died, his savings had run out and I was applying for assistance to pay for his care.
After my father died, my brother and I jointly inherited my parents home. While I was arranging my Dad's funeral, my brother and his daughter just packed up and moved into the home and moved all of my parents things to the garage. I contacted a lawyer and since both of our names were on the title of the property, it would be nearly impossible to get them out of there. Well, 18 months later, they moved out because they had completely destroyed the house there was no way to salvage it. We ended up selling it to a neighbor for the value of the lot only and the buyers are paying someone to demolish the house. It breaks my heart knowing how hard my dad worked to keep their home so nice, neat, and clean and to see what they had done was almost too much to bear. But, at least I thought it was finally over and I could wash my hands of them.
Now, heres the kicker. My brother and his daughter plan to sue me because I took everything of Dads his car and guns and his money! Never mind that they moved everything in the entire house into the garage, including a very nice sofa set, and let the mice eat it. Or that they destroyed the property and we lost thousands of dollars in value because of them. Or that I have financial records to prove that I spent every penny of my dads money on his care. Or that the guns and car were given to us by my dad when he was completely competent and able to make decisions, or that my brother had been given much, much, more in all the previous years and that for the last three years of my dads life my brother never once called or visited him. He is going to sue me! And, hell probably get a free lawyer since hes disabled! As you all know, raising a grandchild is financially draining and the idea of spending money on a lawyer is more than I can deal with. Theres no reasoning with either him or his drug addict daughter. They spent all of my brother's share from the sale of the lot in one day and now think they found a way to get my share, too. They really are evil in its purest form.
I am struggling with this I know its a very un-Christian attitude and Im praying for help. But, right now, my brother and his devils spawn are all dead to me. I would not even go to his funeral. Oh, wait, he wont have one because they spent all of the money he got from the sale of the land in one day and didnt even set anything aside in a burial trust for him. Guess I wont need to feel guilty about not attending his funeral after all.
My first reaction is that your story is an excellent example of what enabling will get us - I hope everyone can learn from it. I'm sure your dad meant well, but there ya go.
My second reaction is to find out if you need a lawyer to defend yourself, and if you do, you may qualify for a public defender. Your brother and his daughter need to prove "damages" in order to have a successful lawsuit. That should be interesting, to say the least. What has been damaged by "you"? Their ability to do drugs and drink themselves to death?
In the meantime you could ask the neighbor if he/she is willing to have a deposition taken regarding their behavior when they trashed the house. Go to the banks and gather up receipts, statements, etc. if you don't already have them. I think you may have a good chance of seeing the case tossed before it goes much further.
My brother did something similar, but he wasn't an alcoholic. My husband and I took care of my mother for nearly six years when she got dementia. She lived with us, peed on the sofas, flushed large objects down the toilet, etc. etc. We couldn't go out anywhere, were often up all night with her, you name it. She hadn't fixed up her house in ages, so we sold it to a contractor for pennies.
When she passed away my brother refused to help pay for the funeral because I "had gotten everything." Mmmm-hmmmm. The reason she was living with us in the first place (other than the fact that I didn't want her in a home until she was totally out of it) was because HE had gotten all of her money through the years. We didn't speak to each other for a year -- and my mother's funeral was not at all what it should have been for the most Christian human being I've ever known.
Interestingly, when my brother passed away my closest cousin didn't even want to attend the funeral. He finally showed up for me. In the end, he turned out to be a much better brother than my brother. My husband and I left immediately after the service and didn't even go to the luncheon.
To me, that's the sort of thing that can come when we enable people who should be left to do for themselves. Please keep us informed!!!!
I plan on spending every dime so there is nothing to fight over LOL!
I don't know what your belief system is but talk about bad karma for your brother. What goes around comes around.
You are absotlutely right. My brother was enabled his entire life either by my parents or by our government and his idea that he is entitled to everything for nothing probably comes from years of everything being handed to him and not needing to work for anything. It is a warning to all of us to be careful we never do that to our children or grandchildren.
I do hope that if he does consult an attorney, they wil tell him he has no case and he'll drop the idea. The main reason I'm so upset is I spent 18 months knowing that he was not paying the taxes or insurance on the house and hoping no one would be injured there and sue me because I was half owner. Then, when I finally thought the nightmare was over, I find out he's telling people he's going to sue me. Seems like the stress will never end.