Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
Hi Ladies and Gents if there are any here
It's been a long time since I've been here because there is/was just so much going on. I used to be on here as G'mas Babies (I think, it's been a long time) then left and came back under this name.
Any way, We still have our 2 grands (we've had them since birth) and they are now 7 and 8. We got custody through the courts in April 2013 after a judge saw how my DD was acting, looking and smelling. When the Attorney General's office asked me how long we've had them, I told him since birth. The Judge gave my DD one of THOSE looks and immediately granted us custody. Any way, the road has always been a rocky one with the kids and their bio and in fact, my GS now calls me mom and hubby dad. My GD calls me momma and hubby papa but she wants us to be dad and mom.This has always been their choice and not ours. Oh and my DD now has 2 other kids as well. She doesn't take care of them very good either but that's another story in itself. Their sperm donor left August 2011 and they nor we have heard nothing from him since.
The GK'S and their bio mom's relationship has always been strained, but it's even more so now. She spends so little time with them and when she does see them, she's always on her phone, yelling at one of the kids or just plain ignoring them altogether. When there is a birthday or something, she tries to play mommy of the year but the kids see through her and so does everyone else. She just doesn't care.
I've been slammed on FB by her and accused by her friends of keeping my DD out of my GK'S lives. I've been accused of NEVER helping my DD. I've been accused of never helping her with her other 2 girls so she could go out and party and go to "work". We wouldn't drop the plans we had with other family and take her other 2 kids so she could go out. I've been accused of treating her other 2 kids differently than I do the ones we have. I've been painted the bad mom and a bad person. I. WENT. OFF. on her and everyone else. I aired my DD'S dirty laundry on FB, which I wasn't proud of, but 1 can only take so much from this whole thing.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My DD had her other daughters party at our house. My DD brought a friend with her as well. It started out ok but went from bad to worse. My DD tried to take over everything with MY kids (GK'S) but they weren't having any part of that. Every time I walked out of the room to talk to a friend of ours that came to the party, my DD was right there saying "will you come talk to B? He won't listen to me." I explained (nicely btw) to her that of course they weren't going to listen to her because she's not really a part of their lives and that was her choice.
So the time came for her to make up yet another excuse to leave and my lil girl got upset and went running to her room crying. Hubby and I went to talk with her and calm her down. She was very upset because she wanted to play with her sisters some more and my DD wouldn't allow that to happen. Guess she had another party to get to. Hmmm. So I left hubby with my lil girl to talk and I went and tried to explain to my DD about my lil girl's emotions. My DD copped a freakin attitude so I told her to forget it and I wasn't doing this.
My DD told the kids she was leaving and asked my lil girl. "can mommy have a hug please?" My lil girl said no. She asked a second time and again my lil girl said NO. The 3rd time, my DD said that this is her last chance and could she have a hug. My lil girl very emphatically, NO!!!
A few days later, I wrote my DD a letter. This is the letter. Names have been taken out.
"J,
While its obvious that I cant talk to you in person about this (as evident from Saturday 9-13-14) I felt the need to tell you some things. This letter isnt meant to piss you off or hurt your feelings but rather tell you about A's and B's feelings.
First, I was trying to explain to you about what A is feeling regarding you. You copped your attitude so thats why I said forget it and walked off. When you do things like that you come across as you dont care and dont want to hear it. These are her feelings. Not yours and not mine and whether you like it or not, you do need to hear them. Once I tell them to you, its your choice what to do with this information. You can continue doing what you are doing now and push her (and possibly him) away even more, or you can choose to change the way you do things and be a better part of their lives. No one is pushing you from their lives, except you.
She is very upset with you because when you come over, you dont show her (or B) much attention and when you do, you are generally getting on their cases for something. This is why when you said you needed to go on Saturday, she said WHAT?!?! and then went crying to her room. We are working with her, on her feelings (and Bs as well) but it is a work in progress. Ive tried to explain to you that when you dont come around them very often and havent been in their lives much at all, they arent going to listen to you per se because they feel they dont have to. You can ask them to do something and generally they will do it but coming from you, if you tell them what to do, they arent going to do it. There is a difference. Then, when they dont do what you tell them to or ask them to, you get mad then start getting on their cases and that makes things that much worse for everyone involved. Maybe you should just focus on asking them to stop doing something in a calm voice and put the word please at the end of it and see what happens. We do talk with them and tell them that they do need to listen to other people too but there are times they dont understand why they need to listen to you.
They see you pick H (child # 3) and/or H (child #4) up and tell them you love them and give them hugs and kisses but they dont see you do anything like that for them. You dont spend time with them when you are here like they want because you are mostly on your phone, you dont call them on the phone and you just dont do anything with them or for them. What do you think THEY feel like when they see this? You accused me, not too long ago, of treating H and W differently than A and B. J (DD), you are doing this but in reverse, not me. All A and B want from YOU is for YOU to show THEM love as well. They are feeling the harsh effects of your actions and it honestly isnt fair to them whatsoever.
I am sorry to say this, but if things keep continuing down this road with you and them, there MAY come a day when THEY dont want to have much to do with you anymore. Is this what you want?Hubby and I do everything in our power, every day, to make sure they understand that they are loved. I think its time that they know and FEEL this from you as well.
Love,
Mom"
Since I wrote this letter, 10 days ago, she has yet to talk to them, call them or come see them. So sad for the kids. In fact, my lil girl told me that she wants to see her sisters, but not their "mom". I told her that she wouldn't let her sisters come by themselves and my lil girl got upset that her "mom" has to be there. What I told my lil girl was, if she feels like she doesn't want to be around her "mom" then thats ok and she can just come find and be with me and papa and she doesn't have to be around her "mom". That made her feel so much better.
I'm sorry this is so long..... thank you for reading.
It's been a long time since I've been here because there is/was just so much going on. I used to be on here as G'mas Babies (I think, it's been a long time) then left and came back under this name.
Any way, We still have our 2 grands (we've had them since birth) and they are now 7 and 8. We got custody through the courts in April 2013 after a judge saw how my DD was acting, looking and smelling. When the Attorney General's office asked me how long we've had them, I told him since birth. The Judge gave my DD one of THOSE looks and immediately granted us custody. Any way, the road has always been a rocky one with the kids and their bio and in fact, my GS now calls me mom and hubby dad. My GD calls me momma and hubby papa but she wants us to be dad and mom.This has always been their choice and not ours. Oh and my DD now has 2 other kids as well. She doesn't take care of them very good either but that's another story in itself. Their sperm donor left August 2011 and they nor we have heard nothing from him since.
The GK'S and their bio mom's relationship has always been strained, but it's even more so now. She spends so little time with them and when she does see them, she's always on her phone, yelling at one of the kids or just plain ignoring them altogether. When there is a birthday or something, she tries to play mommy of the year but the kids see through her and so does everyone else. She just doesn't care.
I've been slammed on FB by her and accused by her friends of keeping my DD out of my GK'S lives. I've been accused of NEVER helping my DD. I've been accused of never helping her with her other 2 girls so she could go out and party and go to "work". We wouldn't drop the plans we had with other family and take her other 2 kids so she could go out. I've been accused of treating her other 2 kids differently than I do the ones we have. I've been painted the bad mom and a bad person. I. WENT. OFF. on her and everyone else. I aired my DD'S dirty laundry on FB, which I wasn't proud of, but 1 can only take so much from this whole thing.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My DD had her other daughters party at our house. My DD brought a friend with her as well. It started out ok but went from bad to worse. My DD tried to take over everything with MY kids (GK'S) but they weren't having any part of that. Every time I walked out of the room to talk to a friend of ours that came to the party, my DD was right there saying "will you come talk to B? He won't listen to me." I explained (nicely btw) to her that of course they weren't going to listen to her because she's not really a part of their lives and that was her choice.
So the time came for her to make up yet another excuse to leave and my lil girl got upset and went running to her room crying. Hubby and I went to talk with her and calm her down. She was very upset because she wanted to play with her sisters some more and my DD wouldn't allow that to happen. Guess she had another party to get to. Hmmm. So I left hubby with my lil girl to talk and I went and tried to explain to my DD about my lil girl's emotions. My DD copped a freakin attitude so I told her to forget it and I wasn't doing this.
My DD told the kids she was leaving and asked my lil girl. "can mommy have a hug please?" My lil girl said no. She asked a second time and again my lil girl said NO. The 3rd time, my DD said that this is her last chance and could she have a hug. My lil girl very emphatically, NO!!!
A few days later, I wrote my DD a letter. This is the letter. Names have been taken out.
"J,
While its obvious that I cant talk to you in person about this (as evident from Saturday 9-13-14) I felt the need to tell you some things. This letter isnt meant to piss you off or hurt your feelings but rather tell you about A's and B's feelings.
First, I was trying to explain to you about what A is feeling regarding you. You copped your attitude so thats why I said forget it and walked off. When you do things like that you come across as you dont care and dont want to hear it. These are her feelings. Not yours and not mine and whether you like it or not, you do need to hear them. Once I tell them to you, its your choice what to do with this information. You can continue doing what you are doing now and push her (and possibly him) away even more, or you can choose to change the way you do things and be a better part of their lives. No one is pushing you from their lives, except you.
She is very upset with you because when you come over, you dont show her (or B) much attention and when you do, you are generally getting on their cases for something. This is why when you said you needed to go on Saturday, she said WHAT?!?! and then went crying to her room. We are working with her, on her feelings (and Bs as well) but it is a work in progress. Ive tried to explain to you that when you dont come around them very often and havent been in their lives much at all, they arent going to listen to you per se because they feel they dont have to. You can ask them to do something and generally they will do it but coming from you, if you tell them what to do, they arent going to do it. There is a difference. Then, when they dont do what you tell them to or ask them to, you get mad then start getting on their cases and that makes things that much worse for everyone involved. Maybe you should just focus on asking them to stop doing something in a calm voice and put the word please at the end of it and see what happens. We do talk with them and tell them that they do need to listen to other people too but there are times they dont understand why they need to listen to you.
They see you pick H (child # 3) and/or H (child #4) up and tell them you love them and give them hugs and kisses but they dont see you do anything like that for them. You dont spend time with them when you are here like they want because you are mostly on your phone, you dont call them on the phone and you just dont do anything with them or for them. What do you think THEY feel like when they see this? You accused me, not too long ago, of treating H and W differently than A and B. J (DD), you are doing this but in reverse, not me. All A and B want from YOU is for YOU to show THEM love as well. They are feeling the harsh effects of your actions and it honestly isnt fair to them whatsoever.
I am sorry to say this, but if things keep continuing down this road with you and them, there MAY come a day when THEY dont want to have much to do with you anymore. Is this what you want?Hubby and I do everything in our power, every day, to make sure they understand that they are loved. I think its time that they know and FEEL this from you as well.
Love,
Mom"
Since I wrote this letter, 10 days ago, she has yet to talk to them, call them or come see them. So sad for the kids. In fact, my lil girl told me that she wants to see her sisters, but not their "mom". I told her that she wouldn't let her sisters come by themselves and my lil girl got upset that her "mom" has to be there. What I told my lil girl was, if she feels like she doesn't want to be around her "mom" then thats ok and she can just come find and be with me and papa and she doesn't have to be around her "mom". That made her feel so much better.
I'm sorry this is so long..... thank you for reading.
My two seem to be handling it better the the two boys that live with her mother. My two are not hers, she has told DCF she would not want my sons kids to live with them. Her seven year old wants to live with her but she is only trying to get the baby. Her 16 year old wants nothing to do with her. Her mother has had both boys since birth. The anger issues in both boys is scary. The seven year old lived with bioxfor 6 months just before she got pregnant then shexsent him back to her mother.
If you gks are not in counseling you should look into it.