Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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Uncertainty

scgramma
scgramma
I thought when I got custody of youngest is be able to accept the fact I'm raising 2 grands to adulthood . Not perfect but I can wrap my brain around it. Then bio meets military guy and gets pregnant, now engaged and toeing about marriAge and moving back up here and getting her kids back.
Is this going to happen? Is this time real? He is nice and seems damaged enough to put up with her mood swings and such. Not a nice way to put it, shall I say he loves her enough to put up with it? Now he's being deployed in 12 months but will pay her housing and send money and she's going to move back in town where I live. Wow.
I'm sick of roller coaster . I can raise kids or get my own life back but how do I focus on anything when I never get to stand On Anything but shifting sands?
I don't want to play this. I don't want to wait and see.
Husband swore T end of this job he would live with me not just on weekends. Occasionally now he talks about how many more job opportunities there are 100 miles from here. I have the best job I've ever had, but I would give it up to live with spouse. He says no, he doesn't want to live there he wants to live here. I have mortgage here, but not many job opportunities for him. again shifting sands, I don't care where I live just let me know where ....

Is it to much to ask to have some stability in my life that's more than 2 months worth?frustration is not a strong enough word, I hate this uncertainty .
If I hate it so much, I wonder how the kids feel . Mom has stopped telling them she's getting them back in front of me but who knows. She's pregnant and they are excited by her growing belly and new brother coming. Thank god she hasn't told them she's moving back yet They can't wait to see fianc when he comes. And she's calling me asking me about how many bedrooms she will need and so forth all I can do is stop answering the phone, but that only covers half the insanity I live in.UGH SCREAM
fortress
fortress
What you are experiencing is dreadful beyond words. Only suggestion I have is to take care of yourself and whenever/wherever possible, do the things that bring you a sense of calm and peace.
grammy22
grammy22
This damn uncertainty is not only bad for our mental state but also that of the kids. There needs to be some change in the laws that give the parents a set amount of time to get their act together or they lose all rights also a limit to how many times they get to try.

Although financially it is better for me to have guardianship not to adopt, I have my moments when I wish I had let DCF take the kids then ask to be their foster home. DCF says they only give the parents a year before adoption proceedings start. These kids need to know they are not going to be bounced around any more.
redheadfrog
redheadfrog
I wonder why they only get a year when the children are out of the family and when they're with family it can go on forever!?! Doesn't seem fair to the family or the kids.
JanAndRob
JanAndRob
I echo grammy22 words. Our gd is with us via guardianship,not thru DCF (also in Mass like grammy22). My son is is now challenging our guardianship an DCF cannot/will not intercede or assist in court because they only charged Mom with neglect, and then parents quickly gave us guardianship directly, without DCF. DCF has just told me in writing to let them know immediately if custody changes because they are very concerned about gd medical care with parents. This is so messy and uncertain for my gd and us. What a shame this all is, and yes, it can go on indefinitely. Potential of kids bouncing around for years is real, and we all know how much these kids are affected. I am feeling so sad today. BTW, my son's atty managed to postpone guardianship challenge hearing for 3 weeks, at the last minute. We were requesting hair test, and son chopped off all his hair. Of course, we dont expect son to stay clean for 90 days for hair test, but it's just all so difficult to bear. I am tired and sad. Gd is doing well physically. That's a blessing.
scgramma
scgramma
Lol on the hair , he doesn't understand they will ask for other hair on his body ..
My daughter realizes shed have a hard time fighting me, but I sure wish I could get some sense of security. Joyce Meyer says when we are confused, we are trying to hard to figure it out . And sometimes what we need to do is sit tight and trust God. It's just hard for me the not knowing
grammy22
grammy22
Jan, You are right that DCF will not speak up for the children in court but the court should contact DCF for information although I am not sure they do that. I was told when we received guardianship that the courts would have talked to DCF if the mother had contested our guardianship.
JanAndRob
JanAndRob
I will let you all know if DCF is contacted when we go to court 5/29th. In the meantime, our atty told us the court does always ask DCF, and the DCF supervisor told us that court is not allowed to contact DCF! Yes, it's the not knowing, and feeling so powerless. I am the go-do-it-take-care-of-it type. I dont remember feeling any security around my son since he was 14, and he's 29. Still not used to it.
grammy22
grammy22
In Jan when I got guardianship the courts left no doubt about their dislike for DCF. They are of the opinion that DCF is not doing their job and dumping too many families back into the court system instead of dealing with the problems at DCF.
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
The judge in my latest case said That DCFS was Off licking themselves somewhere!!! I actually wondered if the court reporter typed that up!! He was insulting them AND me though.
daisydduck
daisydduck
DCFS cannot speak up for children unless the courts bring them in. The caseworker may be concerned but they have no power. When and if the bio is awarded custody you can call them to investigate. A GAL is the best resource to protect the children. GMA, Dcfs in illinois got in trouble over 10 years ago for not handling cases and court ordered they subcontract casework to other agencies Catholic Charities, depending on area and agencies available.
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
I think the problem is DCFS is overloaded with cases & Illinois keeps cutting funds, putting more & more on each caseworker. My case with my first gs was through a contracted agency, but the 2nd one was not, although the 2nd one never actually went to court. The caseworker closed the case while my daughter was in rehab.
daisydduck
daisydduck
I know the federal government was late in getting funds to states who were late in getting funds to agencies by months while agencies were unable to give services to people they normally help. This is not just illinois. Most states suffered same delays. I done think DCFS is overloaded. They have too many agencies available for caseload but could not afford them. During this wait for funds to be released I tried to get help for grandparents and was told they could not take cases because they are out of money.secondly courts can not make decisions based on how they feel but what the law dictates. If you want a change write your federal and state legislators and know who you are voting for to interpret the law.
JanAndRob
JanAndRob
State of Massachusetts per news reports: money was funded for 400 new workers, but they are still in training. In the meantime, the DCF caseload increased 25%. Always underfunded, and we know that caseworkers are so overloaded.
daisydduck
daisydduck
The problem is that the federal government has been telling the states the check is "in the mail". They came out workers out there if they cu provide a paycheck. Those backlogs are lost in a system not working. I have been backpedaling on advocating for grabs for the past few years because there are so many issues that need attention. If you are waiting for assistance you need to call frequently to be sure you don't get dropped in the process. Worrying about dying vets makes grandparent issues not important enough.