I have the exact same problem. My 3 yo gs thinks his mother is wonderfull, but she can't live with us because of her violent tantrums. He loves to see her come, asks about her every day, and when she shows up he's mostly great, with some jealousy over gd.
But when she has to be driven home or leaves, he cries and screams. I feel so rotten. It has gotten a little better this week WITHOUT her here. But it's the weekend, so we may do this all over again. Usually he wants her to do everything for him, last weekend he wanted gramma to put on his shoes, hold his hand at the beech.
She gets mad at him for that stuff. These biomoms need to understand the child is happier, and more stable, without the constant confusion. For now, the grands are the parents, and the bios are visiting relatives.
IMHO, the kids at this age are better off if the parents visits are less often.
I think myh daughter is BPD, they are trying LExpro. We have to ask ourselves will these parents ever parent...It would be so much easier if we knew one way or the other. Just seems like efforts for strengthening the bond between them are detrimental in the long run.UNLESS they will be able to parent. &^%%^& crystal ball broke.

Hug her, play with her. Get a routine started. Tell her Mommy is at her house. (sometimes I cheat and say mommy is sleeping at her house, he hates it when anyone is asleep) Then he seems more willing to change subject and go play.

My GS also talked to Mommy on the phone alot, after she moved out of here, that helped with the transition. Maybe your grand could do that, until she gets used to Mommy not being around as much, and as long.

Scgramma, your post gave me an idea -- if the bio-mom has a cell phone, maybe she could call the granchild as she's leaving, and continue talking until she's out of sight?? It could distract your granddaughter enough to reduce the stress.

Well, we met for lunch a couple of days ago. My granddaughter was thrilled to see her mommy and my daughter was very gracious. We went to a public playground after lunch and they had a good time together. My daughter told her daughter repeatedly, "I love you. I like you." My granddaughter ate up these reassurances.

People who encourage me to cut off the visits due to my daughter's mental illness just don't get it. Even at the tender age of 3, my granddaughter totally understands who mommy is and if I were to break ties, it would cause even more damage than the occasional bad visits we will undoubtedly have (based on a solid history of unpredictable moods by my daughter).

Sadly, I continue to struggle with my grand's bad temper and rudeness to people (i.e. to a neighbor fawning over her: "I don't like you. You're a mean lady.") She storms ahead of me with her little arms crossed and just plain acts out--A LOT. I am absolutely terrified that my grand is going to end up bipolar like her mother. I keep telling myself "she's only 3, they all act like this." But sometimes I wonder...

Sorry to say they don't all act like that. I have 3 grandkids and only one of them every really acted out like that. And there parents both have mental problems. Bio mom is bi polar and it is possible bio dad is too. One of my three my gd has a DX of bi polar. She was only 3 when she started acting out bad. It has nothing to do with her seeing her parents as she hasn't seen her mom in 2 1/2 years. She is doing better now and is taking medication. But she was in the hospital 5 times before she was 6 for mental problems. Not being around her mom was really hard at first for her but as time passed she knew we loved her and she has adjusted.

Do I think it is fair that bios are not in their lives. NO but is it the best in the long run. Yes. I didn't have to stop bio mom from seeing her kids she just didn't come around and I wasn't going to chase her either. Bio dad has tried but I have had to shut him down as I don't like his life style and it is not in the kids best intrest to see that kind of crap. They know who mom and dad are and if they ask I will follow their lead about it.

Please do what is right in your heart and in the best intrest of your gs. And please just don't think that it is just his age.. Be open to everything, Who know it could be age but it could be more.

My grandbaby screams and cries when his parents leave from their visits, too, most of the time. Last night we gave his daddy a short ride, so he only got to see him for a very brief period in the car. I was shocked when he didn't pitch a fit when daddy got out of the car. I've been told that quick good-byes are better for the little ones than long, drawn out emotional good=byes and I love you's over and over and over. Pour on the affection DURING the visit, but keep the parting of ways brief and then try to redirect the child's behavior to some other acitivity as soon as they leave. This does seem to shorten the duration of trauma. I don't think "sneaking out" is necessarily a good thing or sends the right message. Also, it isn't healthy for the little ones to see mom or dad leaving in tears either. Save that for after they're out the door. It's hard enough on the kids.

Well, Grandee, you are scaring the stuffing out of me. We have dealt with my daughter's personality disorder for 23 years and now we may have to do it all over again with our 3 year old?

Please give me a brief description of the toddler's behaviors that landed her in the hospital so many times at such a young age. I need to know some warning signs to look out for. Thanks.

I sent you a message because your question was much to long to just make a post any other question ask a way.
Don't worry she will be just fine