Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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scutterbug 06/28/2009

Hi fellow grands! I am so glad I found this support group. My dear hubby and I have had our first grandchild since birth. Her parrents lived here also until she was about 1 1/2 and then they both left in different directions. She is now eight. We got online for support pretty early on, feeling like no one else could possibly relate to all the emotions, the rollercoaster rides etc. It sure helped - like a life line when you feel like you may drown. Many roller coaster rides later I am finding I miss that support and had heard some great things about Daily Strength from a friend who has a son in prison. As far as my current ongoing challenge - my sweet gd still would rather be attached to me with superglue and duct tape than anything else in the world (except to be around a horse! LOL). I have read some posts from others who have younger ones going through this. I wondered if there are any out here who have older ones - elementary school or middle school who are still going through this or have passed through it and may have some tips or words of encouragement. Thanks, Scutterbug

SaraBT 06/28/2009

I never had children of my own, so I don't really know how much of that clinginess is normal and how much is because of their situation.

My husband and I are raising our three grandchildren (my "steps" but I don't think of them that way), and they are ALWAYS up my butt. It's almost as if they have radar! They can be quietly playing somewhere on another planet. The second -- the SECOND -- I sit down at my computer, with a book, make a phone call, etc. all three suddenly appear like apparitions, going "Mom-Mom, can I have..." "Mom-Mom, what if...." "Mom-Mom, did you ever..."

It drives me crazy, but what are you gonna do? :-) Usually by about 4:00PM they'll call "Mom-Mom" and I'll yell "WHAT!??!?!?!" because by then if I hear "Mom-Mom" one more time I'm ready to just explode.

I suspect that a lot of that is perfectly normal. That's what keeps me up at night (HAHAHA).

balibird 06/28/2009

My grandson is the same way. Velcro boy. I raised 5 others and it wasn't so. I think it is to do with abandonment. He will at times be red faced in tears sobbing if he cannot find me. We have gone over it time and again." I am in the house, in the garden, in the barn.I will never leave you. If I am going somewhere I will tell you and pops will be here to watch you." Poor little pup.
Scares me to think if something were to actually happen to me what he would do. I just figure over time it will get better. It has somewhat.
Just as I was writing this, he called out "mom. where are you?"
The phone thing is universal. Even my 6 month old grandson starts bugging his mom when she is on the phone.

deleted_user 06/29/2009

You know, my gs is the same way, but like I said, I got custody of him when he was 6 months old except for a VERY short time once for just about 3 weeks at seven months when he went home for a "try".

If I walk out of the room he is calling "grandma where are you!!?" I didn't think it could be separation anxiety because of the young age he was taken out of his home, but I"m beginning to wonder....

I'm sure one day he'll grow out of it and then I'll wish he were there looking for me.... lol.

GMaWilli 06/29/2009

I think part of it is just their natural "survival" instinct. In nature if a baby animal gets lost or separated from its mother, it will start crying until she follows its voice and finds it. When my kids were babies, it never failed, they always decided they were hungry when I sat down to eat, even if they'd just had a bottle or been nursed 30 minutes earlier! I got used to eating cold food. Phone calls ALWAYS invited needs & wants for this or that. Now my GS is pretty attached to me & he cries if I leave him at childcare or if he goes anywhere without me. Probably a little moreso than my own kids did when they were little. I think it's partly the separation anxiety due to mommy & daddy suddenly being gone & they don't want that to happen with us, too.

Kat51 07/05/2009

My gs was like that. If we went to a buffet restaurant, I could not leave him at the table with DH while I dished up our food because he would not let me leave his side. Bedtime was hard becaue he did not want me out of his sight.

He's 15 now and a typical teen who's into his friends - growing up like any other boy. He is, however, still a homebody. He has his friends come to our house and he rarely spends the night at his friend's homes. He goes to visit his mother for a few days, but will not stay any longer becaue he gets too homesick. I always go to his football games, basketball games, and track meets. Even though he doesn't say it, I know it means a lot to him and he would be very hurt if I did not go.

scutterbug 07/05/2009

So good hearing from all of you. Good to hear some of you have seen the light at the end of the tunnel on this. I understand the why. Just sometimes second guess how I'm handling it with her. Babysteps sometimes and a big push the next. Always a safe place to fall.

deleted_user 07/06/2009

MY GD is 9 and she's a velcro kid. I can't even go to the bathroom without her knocking on the door... The 7 yr old GS is glued to my hubby. They want a role model and someone to listen and make them feel like they matter. They yearn for affection. It's free... and we have lots to give... They feel so abandoned by Biomom and Biodad... It's only natural for them to bring it all to us... Just go with it, they need you.

scutterbug 07/06/2009

Thanks. You are so right. You all are helping me so much to relax about things. I have been second guessing myself so much the last 6 months. More so than usual. Next topic - listening to other people who really don't know any better.

daisydduck 07/06/2009

its called attachment disorder. they are afraid they will lose you like they lost mother, father, etc. My gs still at times needs to be close. He's 19 now but will come and hug me tight or sit close. they need the reassurance that you're not going to leave them. when my gs was younger, i'd let him sit close for a few minutes and then w/start ticklying him to distract him and he usually was able to separate then. Teen years were hard for my gs because it affects all of their relationships. He knew girls but never really had a relationship with one until he was 16. He felt so screwed up himself, he couldn't open up to others. Therapy helped and he's doing great now.

scutterbug 07/07/2009

I knew this in my heart, but cicn't know there was a name for it - guess there's a name for everything, right? Your post is helpful in many ways. I like your tickle story. It is also good for me to hear he's doing good now. Don't we all love to hear these? I hope one day I can be so much encouragement to others with a success story. Thanks so much.

deleted_user 07/07/2009

There is a book by Brain Post that is about attachment disorder. I read it and it was wonderful. My middle gd has that DX with her asbergers and bi polar and ODD. It has really helped me a lot.

SaraBT 07/07/2009

The good news is that it probably will get better with time. It took our grandchildren about six months before I could go to the bathroom without interruption.

I finally had to sit them down and tell them that I would never walk out of their lives, and neither would Pop-Pop. And after a few years of saying what we mean and meaning what we say, they settled down.

Just yesterday I marveled at them. I had to clean the entire house because we'd been landscaping for weeks, and because my mother-in-law is coming today. All three spend the day quietly, staying out of my way to let me do what I had to do.

I thanked them profusely and promised that after MIL's visit I'd treat them to something special. The trick is to follow through :-)

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