Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
A couple of you wrote:
"I ALSO HATE THE DRAMA.............but I don't think that she understand that I jumped off that train yet..." and "Oh she understands all right. she's just trying to get you back on."
This is exactly how I feel. I'm walking a really thin line... tightrope... right now. I've had my gs for 5 1/2 yrs which is half his life and much more than half his life he can remember. I've never kept the bios from him, always allowed even daily phone calls and (supervised) visits. Even let my dd live here with him for a couple of years after jail. When the drug addiction got out of control for the umpteenth time, though, I threw her out in spring of 2008. She has since gone to jail, entered a residential program out of jail (9 months) lived at a half-way house for another 5 and his now in a sober living community back in town. All with a now 21 month old baby. The state went to bat for her in court to allow reunification and returned custody of the baby instead of letting her be adopted by the foster parents. So, now she's back in town and I fear will go for returned custody of my gs. I'm disturbed by this b/c I don't think it would be in the best interst of my gs, but she's got the upper-hand. Heck, they returned custody and trusted her with A BABY! I do not want to be involved with my dd except where it concerns my gs. Don't want her to confide her life to me, don't want to know about her finances, don't want to be her "friend," and certainly don't want any of the drama. But she seems to be trying to suck me back in... even gave my phone # out as a contact # to some agency even though she has a cell. So, maybe her recovery is authentic... only time (LOTS of it) will tell, but I don't trust it. Not the way she's lied, manipulated and disrespected us and our property in the past. And she's renewed contact with some of the dirt-bags she was involved in the drugs with. However, now feel it necessary to stay on her relative good side so hopefully she will not decide it's a good idea for her to disrupt my gs's life and stability. So, I'm trying to stay off the train but but sorta' feel I've got to remain on the platform... It was much easier when she was out of town...
"I ALSO HATE THE DRAMA.............but I don't think that she understand that I jumped off that train yet..." and "Oh she understands all right. she's just trying to get you back on."
This is exactly how I feel. I'm walking a really thin line... tightrope... right now. I've had my gs for 5 1/2 yrs which is half his life and much more than half his life he can remember. I've never kept the bios from him, always allowed even daily phone calls and (supervised) visits. Even let my dd live here with him for a couple of years after jail. When the drug addiction got out of control for the umpteenth time, though, I threw her out in spring of 2008. She has since gone to jail, entered a residential program out of jail (9 months) lived at a half-way house for another 5 and his now in a sober living community back in town. All with a now 21 month old baby. The state went to bat for her in court to allow reunification and returned custody of the baby instead of letting her be adopted by the foster parents. So, now she's back in town and I fear will go for returned custody of my gs. I'm disturbed by this b/c I don't think it would be in the best interst of my gs, but she's got the upper-hand. Heck, they returned custody and trusted her with A BABY! I do not want to be involved with my dd except where it concerns my gs. Don't want her to confide her life to me, don't want to know about her finances, don't want to be her "friend," and certainly don't want any of the drama. But she seems to be trying to suck me back in... even gave my phone # out as a contact # to some agency even though she has a cell. So, maybe her recovery is authentic... only time (LOTS of it) will tell, but I don't trust it. Not the way she's lied, manipulated and disrespected us and our property in the past. And she's renewed contact with some of the dirt-bags she was involved in the drugs with. However, now feel it necessary to stay on her relative good side so hopefully she will not decide it's a good idea for her to disrupt my gs's life and stability. So, I'm trying to stay off the train but but sorta' feel I've got to remain on the platform... It was much easier when she was out of town...
That's exactly what would happen if Pinky got it together long enough to demand and get her three kids back. They would all go from a nice single home in the country to some row house in Philly with all of the crime and drugs that go along with it.
Funny, in a divorce the courts demand that the kids continue to live in the manner to which they became accustomed. But when Mommy wants them back suddenly that no longer matters.
The other thing that bothers me is, when a druggie "mom" cleans up her act, she's still the mess she was before. Pinky tries, on occasion, to help the kids with their schoolwork.
She asked me when Obama's "two-year term" will be up.
She doesn't know half of the multiplication tables.
She has NO CLUE who Biden, Pelosi, Reid, or Boehner are.
And this is the kind of parenting the kids would go back to.
Keep a journal of everything. My lawyer told me to do this. It is a very worthwhile tool should your daughter try to get custody of your grandson. Good luck.
So far Pinky isn't back with her old druggie friends, at least as far as we know. But she admits that she drinks beer and smokes the "occasional" joint. HAH. That just is NOT POSSIBLE for an addict. I know this because I can't have even one puff of a cigarette when I''m trying to quit. I once quit for 10 years and all it took was ONE TEENSY TINY PUFF to get me right back on them again.
The whole system works backwards, IMO
I thank God everyday that my grandchild is with me. I also pray everyday for an absolution to our situation. The limbo is so hard and I so want for my grandbaby to have a long-term, stable environment. Which I believe the best interest of this child would be to remain here.
I think they learn from experience and practice how to hide it better and better. Consummate actors. All the professionals who came in contact with my dd over the last year and a half believe shes in an authentic recovery and isnt it wonderful! and awesome! shes doing so well. But, to be fair, they dont have 15 years experience with her. They may be aware of the record on paper, but they havent lived through it. And its pretty hard to convince them without it sounding overstated and hysterical.
Nannak I too know how you are feeling. I have days where I think about how sad it all is that my child and I will never have that normal "family" element. With all the lies, manipulation and using me that has gone on, it's just likely never to be the same again.
Yup. And Ive come to the conclusion that trust isnt something thats intellectually decided. I cant count how many times Id say. I dont trust her but then Id find myself back to being convinced by her that this time would be different. Today, I dont trust her isnt something I say. Its a something I feel from the bottom of my soul. I automatically look askance and question everything she says and does. And I guess thats just the way it is. And I think its going to take a LOT for me to regain any trust in her again, if ever. Yes, I still love her or at least I still love the baby, toddler, little girl and child she was and I raised. I dont forget or regret all our good family times. But it no longer overshadows or very much impacts where we are now. And if I should suspect shes using again, with the baby involved, guess whos throwing her under the bus
Exactly the way I feel, not only about ds but about ex as well.
As to the "system" thinking it's so grand they are "in" recovery..... I think a lot of it is also that they have to support all of their programs with statistics. They have to show recoveries to prove the programs work. So they are always leaning toward recovery. Just a thot.
Absolutely true. Once the government gets its hands on something, it becomes a massive, expensive bureaucracy, and all they care about is getting funding for the next year. I don't think they necessarily outright lie (although in Philly they've been caught doing that). I think they redefine "recovery" to make the numbers look better.
It's a shame what my daughter has been through but I am not the cause of the pain. I have tried tried and tried and now i'm just TIRED TIRED TIRED.
My blood pressure is up. I called my gs's other gp's and asked if they could take him for the weekend. They haven't seen him since Christmas....then I felt guilty for pawning him off on them...I know that is something that I need to do but....Needless to say I went out with a gf of mine and my oldest son and shot some pool, had some drinks, danced and had a great time.
This MUST Be what I'm dealing with because I've been fostering my GS for nearly 2 years now & the judge just gave both bios ANOTHER 6 months to work on their "service plans". Bio Mom hasn't had ONE SINGLE clean month out of 21 since all of this started with getting STate involved; not to mention her track record b4 that - b4 the pregnancy, during the pregnancy and the 21 months after GS's birth B4 I got State involved. It's starting to feel like they are bound & determined to give my GS back to his parents no matter how long it takes the bios to completel their "service plan". CW talks in circles. She started bringing up the 15 month mark 6 months ago, but another court date came & went. Then she started telling me to talk to bio Mom about volunteering her rights over because the courts would probably push for it soon. ANOTHER court date has came and went. I know the chances are slim, but I fear her doing a successful stint in a rehab somewhere and then the stupid State saying, "OH, okay; she's good to go because she's dropped clean for a few months." A few months would never be enough to make me comfortable. I'd seriously have to see a few YEARS. Afterall, I've had to sit back and observe and worry about her USING for the past FIVE years; which is the amount of time I've known her. All of the services have been offered to her and she's not going to the counselling and she's not dropping clean, but they're giving her another 6 months. Just makes me want to SCREAM. Goal is to "return home in 5 months", but neither of them have a HOME or a JOB. They both live with other people for practically nothing; IF anything.
Yup; it's FRUSTRATING.
That judge needs a psychological evaluation!