Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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so discouraged

oxfordns
oxfordns
I am so discouraged, angry, ashamed...you name it......a week before Christmas and our 12 year old grand daughter is so upset with her mother because of comments her mother made to her, that the child doesn't want to be with her at Christmas. I don't what in God's name would make a mother tell a 12 year old she will be glad when the child goes back to her father's (the 12 year old and nine year old sister spend one week at their mother's and one week at their father's...(Divorced, of course....isn't that the way to go these days????)
My wife and I try our best.. but the eldest child has always felt insecure and unwanted (the youngest child seems to be the favorite with both parents).
We are beside ourselves...i was never Father of the Year and I admit that but never in my wildest dreams (or upsets) did I ever tell my kids anything like that. Next week the kids are supposed to be with the father but spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with their mother. But the eldest child told her grand mother she doesn't want to be with her mother then...My wife tried to tell her that her mother was upset about something and really didn't mean it but the child isn't buying that. She is insecure anyway (as are a ot of 12 year old girls). My wife does not intend to "let it go" but can't approach our daughter just yet.........
I am so damn distraught.........I had to get something "out rthere".......
Why in the name of God can't parents BE parents???
brunob
brunob
So sorry that yup are going through this with your granddaughter. I had a mother like that, luckily in was raised by my wonderful grandparents and saw my Dad all the time. Just be there for her and remind her that she is a wonderful person no matter whatnher mother says. Her mother sounds like she has her own issues to work out.

Beth
oxfordns
oxfordns
Beth..thank you,,I needed that practical approach right now. Thank you so much. I know you have your own problems (health wise) as do I so it is especially telling that you would take the time to respond as you have. My wife.....the child's grand mother is a saint...she does SO much for those grand kids ..........I am so damn worried...teenage years coming up and al that...
'thank you again..my friend
deleted_user
deleted_user
oxfordns,
I agree with what Beth and your wife said. It seems to me that the mother is upset with something that happened. Teens can be quite a handful, especially girls when their hormones start going wild! :)

What the mother (is she your daughter?) said to her daughter was terrible, but it is forgivable. She needs to take her daughter alone somewhere nice and apologize. (Like out for an ice cream sundae?)

It sounds like there are some leftover issues, possibly from the divorce? between the mother and the 12 yo daughter. My advice would be some counselling between the two girls and mom to bring those issues to the front.

But you are the grandparents and can only do so much. From our perspective we have the wisdom and knowledge, but we still can't make people listen to us. Our children still need to learn the hard way, just like we did. That's why I agree with Beth - the best thing you can do for your gc is to be there for them! Listen to them without putting down the mother (your wife DOES sound very wise), and give them lots of lovin'.

Hope this works out well!
oxfordns
oxfordns
Hello Grannyske. The mother is our daughter. My wife spoke to her briefly but did not have the opportunity to go into the "incident". . However my wife is of thebopinion our daughter is stressed out over finances and who knows what else. She fully intends to have a chat about this situation. Divorce sometimes is necessary, I suppose but it seems like the children are always "collateral damage" so to speak. I am a "worrier" when it comes to grand kids (just as I was when our own kids were young)...... I hope things work out. My wife intends to have a motherly chat with our daughter...................
Thank you for your comments....I value the judgment of people and really appreciate their input
daisydduck
daisydduck
oxford, I w/tend to agree w/you. What in God's name goes through peoples heads? Why wouldn't the child be insecure? Your daughter s/be reassuring her daughter of her love for her. Perhaps she does have issues going on but that is no reason to take it out on the child. I hope you have the opportunity to stress the importance of this to your daughter. Kids may misinterpret things because they are not emotionally old enough to understand. That is why we must be reassuring to them. Frankly, I w/tell your gd that you disagree and reassure her of your love for her. Divorce may be necessary at times but that's no reason to take it out on the kids. Good luck and I hope you can enjoy Christmas.
oxfordns
oxfordns
Thank you, Daisy..I will never understand "people", Things do seem much better than they were...i know my wife has talked to my grand daughter ( the child calls my wife every so often just to talk so to speak,,. and the child really isn't a "talker" per se). I think things are straightening out...nevertheless I worry.....(that's my nature, I guess).
Its Christmas....let us hope and pray for a new beginning.

so many divorces...........children always "in the middle"..