Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
Hi,
My dd wants girls overnight Sunday. They will be at Grandpa's house (my ex-husband). The girls are not allowed at her home because she lives with a drug addict/criminal who got out of prison in September and already has 11 charges against him since he got out of prison. I told her I had to see if there was anything going on and I would get back to her. I don't want to let her have them because she tells them things they shouldn't know, ie her boyfriend's in jail for stealing (she denied saying it even though both girls said she told them), when I let her spend the night at my home she accepted $50 of collect calls from boyfriend in jail without my knowledge. She doesn't pay much attention to them when they are there. She sleeps/watches TV. She uses foul language and screams at her most recent baby Also, my ex dislikes me and will make unnecessary comments. I think he is still bitter even though we have been divorced for over 20 years. My husband feels I should punish her for her lies/phone calls by denying her visitation for a certain amount of time. I have asked her repeatedly not to discuss jail/ crime/drugs in front of girls but she feels does it anyway.
The problem is I fear the girls will resent me if I do not let them see their mom. The sun rises and sets on their mommy. She can do no wrong. If I don't let her see them, she will make sure the girls know how awful I am because I won't let her see them
She has done nothing to stay off drugs, out of trouble or improve herself in any way.
Has anyone been in this situation. I am being pulled between doing what daughter wants and what husband wants. Although I agree she is not any good for girls how do you say no?
My dd wants girls overnight Sunday. They will be at Grandpa's house (my ex-husband). The girls are not allowed at her home because she lives with a drug addict/criminal who got out of prison in September and already has 11 charges against him since he got out of prison. I told her I had to see if there was anything going on and I would get back to her. I don't want to let her have them because she tells them things they shouldn't know, ie her boyfriend's in jail for stealing (she denied saying it even though both girls said she told them), when I let her spend the night at my home she accepted $50 of collect calls from boyfriend in jail without my knowledge. She doesn't pay much attention to them when they are there. She sleeps/watches TV. She uses foul language and screams at her most recent baby Also, my ex dislikes me and will make unnecessary comments. I think he is still bitter even though we have been divorced for over 20 years. My husband feels I should punish her for her lies/phone calls by denying her visitation for a certain amount of time. I have asked her repeatedly not to discuss jail/ crime/drugs in front of girls but she feels does it anyway.
The problem is I fear the girls will resent me if I do not let them see their mom. The sun rises and sets on their mommy. She can do no wrong. If I don't let her see them, she will make sure the girls know how awful I am because I won't let her see them
She has done nothing to stay off drugs, out of trouble or improve herself in any way.
Has anyone been in this situation. I am being pulled between doing what daughter wants and what husband wants. Although I agree she is not any good for girls how do you say no?
Honestly we didn't care if they got angry or resented us (which they didn't), because our #1 priority is to keep them safe, and to try to keep them from hearing foul language and from being around trashy people. Whenever their "mommy" was straight she was welcome to visit us, but she was not permitted to take the children anywhere unless my husband or I went, too.
It wasn't until Pinky had visited the kids every single weekend for a year, and proved to us that she's not using, that we will allow her and her boyfriend to take them to the movies.
If the grandkids resent us, they'll get over it. And they never seemed to, mostly because they also knew what Pinky was like when she was using. I think they sensed that we were only looking out for them. Especially since we allowed Pinky to visit the kids at our home.
Long story short: I wouldn't let them near that house with a ten foot pole :-)
If the girls really want to see their mom and you don't want your dd at your house, this is what I would do. Tell your daughter that you will meet her at the park, the mall or McDonald's (some place public) for a short visit. Explain to her that you aren't keeping the girls from her, but rules and boundries have to be followed. I would tell her that she is not to talk about the things you deem inappropriate (you decide and give her a list). Tell her that there is no wiggle room and if she chooses to ignore your rules, then the visit will end. Explain to her that you aren't doing this to be mean, but rather to keep the girls safe, physically and emotionally. I don't remember how old your girls are, but no child at any age should hear the negative things all the time.
Just my 2 cents worth. Good luck.
Before we caught Pinky using, she would take Percocets, drive the kids and have to pull over to throw up. Thank God He was looking out for those kids!
She's a very nice, successful, caring person. But her son is an unrepentant druggie, and she is a major enabler of his addiction. We keep coming up with excuses for not allowing them to spend time alone with her. SHE would do nothing to harm them, but we know with all of our hearts that she would give in and let her son take them places, spend time alone with them, etc. (She has done similar things in the past because "he isn't doing drugs now." HAH)
To us that's non-negotiable, so she never gets to see the kids.
She brought up the fact that we wouldn't let her even talk to them on the phone when she was high. She said that we were correct, and that the kids should never hold that against us -- that it was all her (Pinky's) fault.
We also made it clear that if Pinky starts using again she will never be able to see the kids again. "We don't want you three kids to go through that over and over again," she explained.
She also told the kids that it was our tough love that helped to bring her to her senses. Because we refused to "help" her she realized she was losing her kids forever and needed to do something about it.
So there it is, right out of the mouth of a recovering addict. How long she stays in recovery is anyone's guess. But she knows that we "say what we mean and mean what we say," and that if she starts using again there will be no more children in her life.
That scares her, and we all hope it helps to keep her doing the right things.