Would it be okay if I snigger? This is just too much. Maybe now you'll feel stronger about keeping the kids away from this wreck of a person. The more she messes up, the less chance she will ever be a parent to your grands.

Those poor children, when will it end? It's the same old story, so many of us have lived it or something similar. Bless you and the kids.

The worst of it is that we had to tell the kids more of the story than we wanted to. We tried the "your mom isn't living with Mom-Mom XXX anymore" and they asked why. We said she was back on drugs. Go figure -- the kids got angry with Mom-Mom XXX because they thought she threw their mom out of her home. They said they would refuse to talk to her ever again and wouldn't talk when she called. So we had to admit that Mom-Mom XX didn't throw her out -- the police had to take her out.

Talk about a tightrope walk! Telling them just enough but not too much.

"Mommy" will NOT be permitted any contact at all after this. And I dare her to go to court (snigger-snigger - LOL) to get visitation of any kind.

"Mommy" will NOT be permitted any contact at all after this. And I dare her to go to court (snigger-snigger - LOL) to get visitation of any kind.
-----
Good for you, Sara. It really sucks for the kids to realize their mother is so weak, and I guess that's why they're looking for someone to blame (their bio grandmother in this case).

I have two silver linings to this gray cloud:
1) maybe this will scare these kids away from playing with recreational drugs

2) you have a concrete, solid reason why they won't see their mommy anymore. My daughter being BP is more ambiguous and not so easy to explain to a little kid.

Hoping things can settle down now for you.

I just found out she's been having some man wire her money the entire time she was in FL. He paid for her motel -- and now -- Oh, NOOOOOOOO!!!! -- he paid for her flight back to our area!!!!

I've blocked her cell phone and hope I can prevent her from ever contacting us again. She must be either hooking or selling drugs. Apparently she is not hurting for money at all, and she hasn't worked in two years.

I knew that break was too good to last :-0

Isn't it amazing how these people keep finding new enablers?

You're so right -- and it's one reason why those of us who deal with addicts shouldn't think that they need us to survive.

First of all, they are going to die anyway from their addiction unless they get into recovery -- that's a foregone conclusion.

Second, as long as they're still alive they will find a way to get their drugs. Can you imagine a world that has tunneled all the way down to a pill?????? NOTHING else exists for her. NOTHING. Not pride, not ambition, not her children, not her family, not her health -- NOTHING but getting the next fix.

I suppose if I weren't suffering the consequences of her addiction I might feel sorry for her. But those days are loooooong gone!

While I understand what you all are saying as grandparents who are picking up the pieces from your children, during the past 2 weeks I have learned a different perspective. My gs admitted himself to outpatient rehab after almost killing himself with alcohol and some drugs. We went to our first Family Group last week and heard what we must do if we are to support him. Your comments like "that's addicts for you" scare me to death. He's not a bad kid and is trying to pull himself together. If we do not stand by him, he will fail. He has made it clear that he is doing the rehab because he loves us and wants us to be proud of him. He has asked for our understanding with the caviat that if we do not understand, nor forgive, it's okay because he knows it is up to him to get better. The bottom line is the reason for his abuse was the overwhelming pain from his back (Spina Bifida and three slipped discs for past 7 years), the lack of selm esteem because he blames himself for what his biodad did to him, and us, and having nowhere to turn because school districts just pushed him through but did not help him to be prepared for adult life. I say this here as a caution. While you are having trouble with your bio child, what will it be like for your gc as they grow and realize what their lives have been? We thought we did everything right. He did DARE, hung out with good kids, went to church w/us on Sunday until 2 years ago. He asked us to go to church with him last week and the sermon was about Jesus on the mount with Satan tempting him. We left church with my son (gs) saying: "I never realized what Jesus had been through. If He could resist temptation, I s/be able to also, with His help". We have no expectations and we live one day at a time and I hope I w/not be here to comment: "That's what you expect from an addict". Peace ladies.

One major reason addiction is classified as a disease is because the course of the addict's behavior, physical, and mental conditions can be tracked with almost clinical certainty from the first use to death.

Addicts DO behave in certain predictable ways, thus the phrase "that's an addict for you." In Al-Anon there are many sayings, one of which is "if an addict's lips are moving, they're lying." This is so overwhelmingly true that it has, indeed, become a cliche.

Addicts are insufferable. We have been lied to; stolen from; betrayed; defied; beaten up. We have spent countless dollars on rehabs, bail, fines, tuition, counseling, doctors. We are raising the addict's children for at least the next 15 -- that's FIFTEEN -- years. We have gotten 4am phone calls from cops, strangers, and family members. We have tried it all: Sending the addict to rehab. Sending them to live with out-of-state relatives. Ignoring them. Supporting them. Believing them. Not believing them. Hoping. Giving up on hope.

Some addicts, for whatever reason, suddenly realize what they've been doing to themselves and their loved ones. They come to the point where they HATE their addiction lives and turn around and become whole again. Sadly, the great majority do not, at least not permanently.

I hope your grandson does get his life together. I think our greatest fear as that one or more of our grandchildren will also become addicts one day. There is no predicting it. But I, for one, have had it up to "here" with addictive behavior. I have watched every family member enable my husband's daughter for decades, until she has become a true crack whore.

She interprets "support" as being a weakling who can be manipulated. She interprets "help" as money or any other kind of assistance that will allow her to buy drugs. Her entire world is down to a little white pill and nothing more. She has left her family with the pieces -- bereaved, angry, and frustrated.

And unfortunately, she is typical of addicts everywhere.

The recents facts are that 1/3 of abusers w/never recover. 1/3 will recover after a few, or many, relapses. 1/3 w/recover after the first rehab and stay that way. We hope is at least in the 2/3, if not the 1/3. We will be going to Al Anon meetings. After speaking with other families and seeing their pain, I wonder if they have been supportive or enabling. That is an individual question to ask. When I worked on a psych unit for six years caring for teens, adults and elder patients both with addiction and/or mental illness, I saw the pain for the families and saw how they used love to enable the patient. I can only hope and pray we will do it right.

Most of what I've seen is enabling, as well. It can take so many forms, not just giving money. In a sense, we are enabling our addicted children by raising their children. It is freeing them to party as much as they want. I suppose if we really didn't want to enable we would allow our grandchildren to go into foster care. But that ain't happening! :-)

Enabling and support are also easy to confuse, because sometimes the differences aren't obvious. To me, "support" means that I will be here when you're in recovery. I still won't give you money, a place to live, a car, etc. But I will pray with you, talk with you, listen to you, etc. Once you have passed a significant milestone, say, one year in recovery then I will resume any help I would give to a non-addicted child.

But I've seen the revolving door too many times, with too many friends and my husband's daughter, to give "support" that isn't appreciated until they are WELL into recovery.

But that's just mean ol' me :-)

Wow! I don't know about you Sara but everytime I think I couldn't possibly be shocked by what a bio does...they suprise me again. Sometimes I think I must give them too much credit and think maybe they are finally going to clean up their act and then WHAM! Here comes the next screw up.

I just hope and pray she doesn't darken your doorstep and she just stays away. If she doesn't, I would seriously consider getting a restraining order. She sounds very unstable. So very sad.....I hope she doesn't end up dead. That would be tough for the kids to have to deal with, even though - sadly - it would make things easier for you.