Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
As you know, weve been raising our three grandchildren (ages 7, 9 and 11) for the past five years. Pinky, their bio, has been visiting them regularly every weekend since June.
The middle girl (9) was fathered by a druggie in TX, 1000 miles away. The eldest was fathered by another man, also from TX. Were not sure who fathered the youngest boy, but the druggie in TX thinks its his.
The bio of the eldest girl has never seen her, doesnt want to know about her, etc.
The other bio-dad has since fathered at least one more kid by other women. He is in and out of jail. He has had no contact with the kids in at least two years, since his last jail term (thats when he dries out). We have sporadic contact with his mother, who seems nice but enables her son something awful.
He is now in jail again and has written my husband a letter asking for pictures of the kids, wants us to tell them he loves them, yada-yada. He also says he considers the eldest as his own daughter. But not one word from him in two years!
My husband is a major softie and wants to correspond with Bill. Im not sure its a good thing to even discuss him with the three kids, let alone allow them to have a brief fling with him. To me, they have enough to cope with, wondering how long Pinky will stay semi-straight.
Im just wondering what all of you think. Should we ignore Bill or, as my husband keeps wanting to do, encourage him to get involved in the kids lives again? Chances are it wont last for more than a week after he gets out of jail, but stranger things have happened.
Im afraid my own opinion is colored by the fact that I never liked him. No particular reason, since when I met him (once) I didnt know he was a druggie. I like his mom enough, and hes good-looking, polite, etc. I just sceeved him for absolutely no reason that I can think of. So maybe Im not being objective???
Thanks!!!
The middle girl (9) was fathered by a druggie in TX, 1000 miles away. The eldest was fathered by another man, also from TX. Were not sure who fathered the youngest boy, but the druggie in TX thinks its his.
The bio of the eldest girl has never seen her, doesnt want to know about her, etc.
The other bio-dad has since fathered at least one more kid by other women. He is in and out of jail. He has had no contact with the kids in at least two years, since his last jail term (thats when he dries out). We have sporadic contact with his mother, who seems nice but enables her son something awful.
He is now in jail again and has written my husband a letter asking for pictures of the kids, wants us to tell them he loves them, yada-yada. He also says he considers the eldest as his own daughter. But not one word from him in two years!
My husband is a major softie and wants to correspond with Bill. Im not sure its a good thing to even discuss him with the three kids, let alone allow them to have a brief fling with him. To me, they have enough to cope with, wondering how long Pinky will stay semi-straight.
Im just wondering what all of you think. Should we ignore Bill or, as my husband keeps wanting to do, encourage him to get involved in the kids lives again? Chances are it wont last for more than a week after he gets out of jail, but stranger things have happened.
Im afraid my own opinion is colored by the fact that I never liked him. No particular reason, since when I met him (once) I didnt know he was a druggie. I like his mom enough, and hes good-looking, polite, etc. I just sceeved him for absolutely no reason that I can think of. So maybe Im not being objective???
Thanks!!!
IMO, but it is IMO only, I wouldn't even correspond with him until he signed over parental rights. And that's because I am very aware of the problems he can cause in the future.
I would simply explain to him that your primary and principal "job" is to protect these kids. PERIOD. And in order to do that, you need to ensure that by his beginning communications with him, he will never, EVER, disrupt their stable life. In order to do this, you want him to surrender his parental rights. Then you will allow him to correspond with the children, as a friend. Explain that relationships don't just happen, they have to be built. He is not and never has been a father in any sense of the word. If he wants to work up to a close relationship with the kids, then he will start by acknowledging that they are in the best possible environment for them and that it is not his intention to disrupt that - EVER - by signing over his parental rights. Then regular communication via snail mail only (no email, FB, etc) until such a time you and your husband have decided to allow him to meet the children in person with you in attendance. Then the usual scenario of visitations. I'd lay it all out in front of him, and I'd do it in writing.
I know you don't feel you need to adopt, but any one of these bios can cause you horrible problems by coming back into the kids' lives.
Legally, you probably cannot keep him entirely out. But he may or may not know this. Has there been DNA test to prove his parentage? That is another thing I would require.
I think you probably see me as looking for problems where there are none - gloom and doom :) - but I want you to go into this relationship with both eyes open. These people do not act rationally. They lie, they manipulate, they use these kids for their own agenda. Suspect the worst. That is now my motto.
Like I said, only IMO - take it or leave it. :P
Also, I know that "Bill's"" mom would never allow him to sign over rights, either. Ironically, she wanted Pinky to sign over HER rights several years ago, when Pinky was about to turn the youngest two kids over to "Bill's" mom to raise. We wouldn't go for it because we didn't want them split up. Boomeranged on us -- because now WE have all three LOL.
My problem is that I'd rather not have any contact with him at all. Odds are overwhelming that he'll go back to drugs immediately after getting out of jail. The kids don't even think about him now, or if they do they never mention him. They see his mom maybe once a year if that, and they email her, but that's the extent of contact.
Such a mess, huh?
I'm actually sorry he wrote the letter, since it constitutes contact. With no contact for one year his parental rights can be terminated.
I'm going to sit my husband down and have a lil' talk with him :-)
Does Pinky know about all of this and if so, what does she say? What are the chances he will get out and the 2 of them will hook back up if he's allowed contact with the kids?
Once they get older I guess it would be up to them, but for now I think the ups and downs with Pinky are enough for them to deal with. They don't need another person coming in and out of their lives.
For what it's worth, I would have to agree with all the other comments. However, when I read in your post, about him wanting pics of the kids and being in jail, I became mortified and the hairs stood up on my neck. I would be VERY reluctant to send pics of them to him in jail just for the simple fact that there are pervs in there.
Other than this, I honestly don't believe it's fair to the kiddos that their bios walk in and out of their lives when they want. Not at least the kids are older and can make decisions for themselves.
Sara, you have the right to make him go to court for visitation. That is your call. Just understand that after all of the fighting and money, he'll probably get visitation, and then it will be whatever form the court orders.
Fair? Absolutely not. Best for the kids? Unequivocally NO!!! But it is what we deal with each and every day. The courts tell us "it is up to you to protect and care for and raise these children who are not yours" and then it says "but we're going to take these people who are terrible influences and force you to make them a part of the kids' lives". And we have to deal with it. This is the life of guardianships.
Do I sound bitter? :P