Mimi, prior to adoption, social services gave me control over visitation between the Bios and my gc. If I felt the children would benefit from visits, I would schedule once a week on any day I chose. If I thought they were doing drugs, there were NO visits. I had total control. It was very empowering and I never had to worry that the kids would see their mother under the influence again. I have to believe you have the same control as I did. The courts trust that you will make the right decisions when it comes to the welfare of your gc.

Mimi,

I also believe that it comes down to your good judgement. I think I would have some type of visitation schedule so everybody is able to plan. I have had to deal with a similar situation and I found my GS's mother calling the night before wanting to schedule a get together. She was unable to ever plan ahead more than a day or so and since she only has supervised visits this last minute requests were hard to juggle. At first we tried to accommodate the requests but when it became apparent that we were being taken advantage of and my GS was becoming upset at having to break his plans with friends, we put our foot down and went back to the supervised visits through the State as specified by the court order. Since doing that (Oct 2012) she refused to participate in the program and has not seen him since.

I am not a lawyer but as long as you make the child available for them to see at least twice a month then I think you are doing more than enough to meet the requirements. They need to give you enough notice so you are not having to change plans at the last minute. You can always halt the visitation for any reason that you feel it is not in the best interest of the child. This obvious includes impairment by drugs or alcohol but can also include a host of other issues such as bios speaking negatively to the child about you.

I always look at what is best for my GS and that is how I proceed. That means that it doesn't always work out the way I would want or the way his Bios want but if I have to go back to court I can explain to the judge why xyz was done.

Most important, have a schedule. Hope that helps.

Thank you both for your comments. They were both VERY helpful and made a lot of sense.

Back in August of last year, my dd told me (in writing in an email) to get over myself. I responded back to her (in writing in an email) something to the effect of "ok (dd's name) I will get over myself. You know where we live, you know our phone number, you know what family functions we hold, you know what time they go to bed etc etc, so from here on out, YOU take the initiative to include yourself in our functions. YOU take the initiative to be a part of the babies' lives. I will no longer as you or beg you to come see them." I have stuck to my guns on that and will no longer invite her. It is up to her to contact us to find something out or include herself or come see the babies on her own accord.

The other thing I will stop the visits over in a heart beat is if they (my dd and her husband) do show up and there is fighting between them. I will set some rules and that will be the biggest thing. If there is any fighting whatsoever, then they will be told to leave.

I may need to go ahead and make a schedule up for her to follow. I don't foresee visitations with the bio loser to be an issue because he hasn't seen them in almost 2 years now so I don't foresee him coming to visit anytime soon.

Thank you again, I truly appreciate your input.
God Bless

Mimi, I found this on a legal website. I think that asking her to call a certain number of days before a visit is VERY reasonable :-)

"What does "reasonable visitation" mean?
When a court determines the visitation rights of a noncustodial parent, it usually orders "reasonable" visitation, leaving it to the parents to work out a precise schedule of time and place. This allows the parents to exercise flexibility by taking into consideration both the parents' and the children's schedules. Practically speaking, however, the parent with physical custody has more control over the dates, times, and duration of visits. That parent isn't legally obligated to agree to any particular schedule, but judges do take note of who is and who is not flexible. If you are uncooperative merely to vex your ex, it can backfire when you need to ask the court for something in the future.
Parents have to cooperate and communicate frequently for the reasonable visitation approach to succeed. If you suspect that a loosely defined reasonable visitation won't work, insist on a fixed schedule and save yourself time, angst, and, possibly, money. If you've already agreed to reasonable visitation and it isn't working out -- for example, one parent is consistently late, skips scheduled visits, or doesn't inform the other parent where he or she is planning on taking the children -- you can go back to court and ask that the arrangement be changed."
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/child-visitation-faq-29044-2.html

thank you Sara for this information. It is very helpful.

I think a certain number of phone calls to the children prior to a visit it reasonable and I think I will set certain days and times. It's her loss if she doesn't uphold them.

The law states that certain people are mandatory reporters of child abuse. Day care providers, doctors, nurses, etc are the obvious ones, the law stipulates that anyone in a position to witness child abuse of any kind is a mandatory reporter. What this means for you is that you have the obligation to refuse visits if you determiine that they parent(s) are drunk, on drugs, or behaving in a threatening manner, verballly or phsyically. Just be sure to keep records of dates, times and circumstances.

Thank you Daisy. I agree with you.

As for reporting suspected allegations of abuse, I have done that with my dd and her husband. CPS place husband on a 30 emergency plan and he couldn't be alone with the baby. Of course, that rule was broken on several occasions but it was their word against mine. I did mention this to the cps worker but nothing else was ever done. I just worry about the baby and what she's growing up in.

As for keeping records, I have done that for the past 6 years and will continue to do so. I am doing the CYA thing and will continue to do so.

Thank you for your input.

Mimi, for the record, each time someone calls the DCFS hotline, they are legally obliged to check it out. You don't have to identify yourself on the hotline so if anyone you know has witnessed any abuse, ask them to call hotline. The more reports they get, the harder they will look. It helps if the complaints are coming from other people, not just you.