Pamella, the bios' priorities are so messed up it's like trying to find the end of a tangled ball of string.

Pinky always has "goals" and she's always talking about how she'll take care of them "next week." Last June she really did get straight and she got as far as paying off her many traffic tickets. But the GED? "Next week." The job? She'll look "next week."

And she and her latest loverboy really did get an engagement ring (real or fake I have no idea). But guess what has been holding up the wedding? The wedding rings!!! They're on layaway, see, and without those rings they can't get marriage counseling from the pastor, can't set a date, can't plan a wedding, can't get married. The PRIORITY is the wedding rings. Sheeeesh!

As Bob Dylan sang, "Idiot wind, blowing every time you move your teeth. You're an idiot, Babe, it's a wonder that you still know how to breathe."

SHEEEZE!!

My daughter is enrolled in an intensive rehabilitative outpatient program & I've just started going to the "parent" meetings once a week where we are learning about the addicts we are dealing with. Last night, the director was talking to us about Incremental Behavioral Change and telling us that the addicts have a disconnect between the thinking part of their brain and the impulse control part of their brain. They have impulse control disorder which has been brought on by all of the drug use. The degree of damage depends on the age of onset of drug abuse, the frequency of use and how much they've used. This program teaches addicts to recognize their addiction as a disability and work at making changes to improve their brain function and work towards returning to "normal". To go from drug seeking behavior to "normal" behavior - & steps they need to take to get there. They teach things like structure, organization, discipline, diet, regular sleeping patterns, and exercise. Exercise to increase seratonin levels. Increasing awareness to increase control. I'm learning alot already and PRAYING that my daughter walks away with alot of coping tools to help her stay sober, too. The bios priorities are messed up because they have destroyed so many of the pathways in their brains with the drugs. Pathways that lead to responsible and "normal" thinking. I hope centers like these increase and more people can find this kind of help. I wish I would've known about a place like this 10 years ago when I threw away about 20K on a boys' boot camp for my son because I think that actually made matters worse rather than better & now it's his son that I'm raising.

Gma, And all the while the bios are learning new methods of behavior, redirecting their pathways, it is our job to see if we can do the same for the children we have that they messed up at the same time they were messing themselves up. Sympathy and empathy have gone out the window. I suffer for the child that had a really rough day at school, who still sleeps between us, who may never figure out how to control his own impulsive hyperactive behavior. I am afraid I will have little time for my daughter even if she is working on cleaning up--which she isnt, but if she were, I would be grateful, but I would still be too busy raising the son she had no regard for. Do I sound bitter? Im not, really. Im just disappointed and disgusted, and totally fed up with parents who choose themselves over an innocent child thats all.

It would be so nice if the bios adhered to the old "Less talk, more action" adage.

@Grandmagrandma: I agree with everything you said. I have been going to a support group for families of addicts and while I am learning a lot, I am tired of hearing how we need to "support" our addicts in their efforts to get clean. Neither my son or his ex are making an effort to get clean, they are still too busy partying, but like you said I would be to busy taking care of their 4 children to worry about supporting them. I pray for my son everyday and would like nothing better than for him to clean himself up but it will have to be by himself. I have done everything I can do for him for the last 20 yrs and I am done. All I can think about now are the 4 children he has created and damaged. As for the ex, she could fall off the face of the earth, and I sure wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over it!

I agree people need to try and understand what we've been though with our kids, the support may have been there in the beginning but after so many chances its harder and harder to support them. We are busy raising their kids. I believe ultimately they have to choose to get clean, and i'm sure when and if they do we would all be there for them. I didn't choose to raise a child again at this age, i had to if i didn't want my gs to go to foster care, and i'm sure most of us feel that way, and we would welcome the extra help from the bios if they did clean up. I really hope that does happen for all of us but realistically i know it won't happen for all of us, its such a sad situation for all involved.