Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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wolfandlamb 10/09/2009

I want to ask you what is a reasonable price for only watching a 2 year old (Late Nov b-day) daughter sleep from 5:30 a.m. taking her to day care the latest 10:a.m.

Then picking her up at 5PM the latest.

Then watching her at home till mom gets home usually at 7PM. This is only 3X a week.

I am not the biological grandma but my little darling thinks me and my husband are.

I lend mom the car and she pays for yhe additional insurance. Recently I told her not to buy grocerys on her welfare because it is too hard for her to keep an appointment to go shopping ( I only told her it would be better if she didn't have to worry about going shopping for us) even when I am giving her a list. She didn't bother to call until 6:30PM this time. And left a message as I was out, that she would do the shopping tomorrow.

Well my husband couldn't ride his mototcycle this morining because he had a bad cold. So I took her to work at 5AM and that is not usual. I am not looking to ask her to pay for incidentals.

I am disabled and am ill most of the time. She doesn't have anyone else to help her and welfare pays her daycare. She has had this new job for about 4 months now.

She is saving for her own car and has roommates she pays rent to.
I want to be fair but I don't like handouts when I feel like I am just trying to be fair. She is very immature or ignorant and doesn't do anything unless she is asked to. She also doesn't know how to budget so I will be working with helping her with this.

She is a hardworking young lady but she has qite a bit to learn and I am willing to help but I need a little independence from her disregard for keeping her word and not calling until the evening when the day has already passed. We had planned this for earler.

She has also put us off 2 days before. I just feel like I am stealing from a baby.

Can anyone help me out with this?

P.S. she buys diapers food and clothing. I stopped buying her clothing because she never bothered to offer to even pay half. She doesn't leave me extra clothes yet the little one always has new clothes I have never seen.
Anyone?

SaraBT 10/09/2009

Why are you helping her at all?
I assume you aren't raising your grandchild, just pitching in, correct?
I'm not asking to be smart. It's just that if she's the mom, she needs to learn how to do things on her own. Like find a day care service, etc.
You're making yourself crazy, while she gets off scot-free. Is that fair to you and your husband?

wolfandlamb 10/09/2009

No. I have no grandchildren yet. But my 2 sons are 2 counties away and are 25 and 28. They don't have time for me and I love having the little one about. Not to mention dH who never had children and has taken to this one like you would never have thouight.

It is a blessing but I was thinking of the gas and the time. Not so much the time but for sure the gas.

It really is something I cherish. Especially since the two of them are all alone without a stable family. Husband abandoned and is now not working.

She does have daycare so its just before and after.

I was thinking $80 a month which includes insurance difference.

She is almost ready to get her own car so it won't be too long before she can get on her own two feet.

It is just adopted family and yeah it makes me crazy sometimes, but I came that way and they both bring out the best in me. Except of course when I need the advise of others like yourselves to sort things through.

Thanks for your input.

deleted_user 10/09/2009

I think what you are doing is very kind and rare. I think if they make you happy then continue to follow your heart with the two of them and being their adopted family.

I think $80 is definitely fair. I think you would be doing her a disservice if you didn't charge something because this way it will be easier for her when they are 100% on their own. It will also help her learn to budget her money.

God bless you for loving them! Sometimes that all that people need and I really admire you for opening your heart and life to them like that.

SaraBT 10/09/2009

I agree with nanna that if it's making you happy, not crazy, then go for it.
But EEK! I was thinking of $40/day! I arbitrarily said $5/hour, which is well under minimum wage. That would come to $120 a week, not a month - which is what I would guess any non-family would charge, but I could be wrong.

How about $120 a month?

wolfandlamb 10/09/2009

You know I have to think about what you have all said. Yes. I too was a latchkey child and bounced from home to home including foster homes. So I guess now that I am at peace I can be a giver instead of a taker.

I agree it will help her in the long run to be responsible. And know the world isn't going to give her handouts. But we are both blessed therefore I need to count those blessings.

You know I am only 47. I am not even a real granma because my sons learned they can't be 18 or 22 like when I had them. Talk about immature and irresponsible. If it wasn't fro my kids granma and great granma on my ex's side I don't know.

But a word of warning to me and others. My sons are living with granma and so is my ex who is almost 48. Her and her husband have pretty much enabled them until I don't know what kind of crash they will be in. Actually my younger son is a worker bee but the othre a drummer and just does his fun on the road.

That's another story.

Bakc to now. Thanks all of you. You are all giving to me and I hope you are also blessed.

daisydduck 10/10/2009

First of all, if she is immature, don't assume she is going to offer to pay. You will have to guide her and one of the things you should be proud of is that you are mentoring her. It doesn't sound like she wants to take advantage of you but does not know how to handle it. If she pays you, there might be a problem in income. If she is going to get reimbursed for childcare she will have to show name of person she paid. That could affect you and your benefits. Can I suggest you do a trade sort of thing? Perhaps she could get a gas card with x amount of dollars on it? Or give her a list of items you need and ask that she give you those items when she can. Perhaps paper products, laundry soap, frozen meals and gift certificates for restaurants. Ask her to bring flour,sugar, milk, pasta,potatoes, meats, etc. In turn, make a pot of spaghetti and send it home with her because I'm sure it's hard for her to find time to cook. This is more of a service trade and will not be reflected as payroll. Ask her if she has a clothing allowance for child. If she does, perhaps she can give you part of it to make purchases. Check out resale shops where you can find some good buys. This is helping each other out and you don't have to put a price on it. is great that out of all of your problems you have this wonderful child to cheer you. I wish I had a neighbor like you!

wolfandlamb 10/11/2009

Thanks daisy.

That income thing was really bothering me. And yes I really wanted to get reinbursed for gas and the retail shop is perfect for the clothes I need for the incidentals.
When I was working as a temp at a job were we met. She told me about her life and I did mention to her that she needed a mentor. And she said "that's you".

I have known her for about three years and I care about her and now her family very much.

You are very kind and wise to help with this info.

Thanks Daisy and God Bless.

daisydduck 10/11/2009

You are very welcome. I hope that this relationship grows and will give you the family you need. I'm sorry to hear about your sons being too busy for you but I'm afraid I share the same situation though a little more hostile. We lost our daughter to brain cancer and that is why we raised her son. I thought that was the worst thing that could happen. However, my son decided we were his enemy about 5 years ago and abruptly left our life, full of anger at who knows what. He will not talk to us. Says we do not support him, though doesn't say what we are supposed to support him in. We attempted once again to talk to him two days before Father's day. He carried his little girl into the house and said we could not meet her. He refused to walk around the car to wish his dad, who is disabled, a Happy Father's Day. What terrible thing we have done we do not know. He has broken my heart because family has always been so important to us and there seems nothing we can do to mend the fences. As we age, it can be lonely and when families do not stay close, it is worse. Money isn't everything and I wish you well on a relationship you have developed with this young woman and i hope your sons will soon see the value of their parents in their lives.

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