Even though Pinky is a druggie who comes in and out of our grandkids' lives, we told them that as far as the family goes, she will always be their mommy. We explained that the adoption is mostly paperwork so they can get the benefits, and that they can still call us Mom-Mom and Pop, etc.

I'm hoping that Pinky goes away after the adoption, though, and I think my husband will be far less tolerant of her ever-changing plans, sleeping all weekend, etc,

I'm probably the wrong person to ask. i'm hoping to raise my grandchildren with my daughter. My daughter has a mental illness and is a good person who loves her children but will definitely need help.

The way I view it -- the more "healthy" people love our grandchildren the better for them. I'm sure they sure love their dad and it sounds like he is being responsible. As for the daughter in law in your shoes I would cut her out. She is on drugs and not willing to change any time soon? The kids don't need that kind of role model. But you are right to tell them that their mommy will always be their mommy. My son-in-law is a good person but a drug addict so I don't want him in their lives. My daughter is no longer with him. I tell the children that their father loves them very much but he is having adult problems that he needs to sort out.

Thank you Sara and Lucille for your take on this matter. We tell the kids the same thing Lucille, that Mom and Dad have adult problems and are unable to raise them. The two older ones know too much of what is going on . Not much gets by these kids. The youngest is fine with the situation. He has a special bond with Dad though and that makes this that much harder. I just wish I could have a clear vision of how this is going to work. Confusion and memory have not been so good since this all started.
I am wishing you both the best in your situations.

My GC have their Mom and us. I allow visits and let my daughter sleep over.When my GS had surgery, my daughter was at the hospital with us. I have had run ins with my daughter regarding her role right after the adoption. At one point I had to make it very clear to her of the rules and consequences if she didn't follow them. She thought I was bluffing and found out differently.
My daughter and I worked it out and now the kids have the best of both worlds. My husband and I are raising them in a safe loving environment, and they also get to know their Mom!.

It depends on the situation. After our daughter's death her husband married a woman who caused disaster in everyone's lives, most especially our grandma's. Legally our hands were tied. After a bizarre event which was covered by news media, the courts gave us custody. Visitation was turmoil and took a toll on our grandson. They finally gave and sil said we could adopt. We did to guarantee his safety. If the parents are doing more harm than good, it may be best to sever ties.

Daisy, it sounds like you have had your hands full too ! So sorry about your daughter. The news media being involved must have been so tramatic for your grandson. I don't know how old your GS is, but no matter the age, the circumstances must have been bad for him. I hope things are more settled for your family

Thank you Snow. He is grown now but the baggage is there. He has difficulty trusting others. But overall he survived and is a happy guy. Our bond is strong and we have no regrets.

Daisyduck, I didn't know you lost your daughter. That has to be the worse tragedy a parent can experience in life. You are a strong woman and so helpful with your feedback. I'm happy for your family that you all made it.