Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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pamellalcpc
pamellalcpc
In August of 2011 my daughter dropped our granddaughter off at our home and returned to the drug use and that lifestyle in a town about 6 hours away from us. We had watched for 5 years child abuse, neglect, drug and alcohol use and had broken heartedly called dcfs many times to no avail. We finally had enough, obtained a lawyer and pursued guardianship. We were granted guardianship in Sept 2011. Our gd started school, we got her into counseling, and gave her the first stability shes ever had. Horrendous amounts of abuse and neglect have been disclosed since shes been with us and we have called CPS again and again. We have her now so there has been no action taken. In October the roommate and a caregiver of our granddaughter died of a drug overdose and her kids found her. If my gd had been there she would have found her as well.

Biomom has only seen her once since august over thanksgiving when my parents paid for her to come home for the weekend. My parents have fought us tooth and nail not able to admid my daughters drug problems and both them and my daughter have to have supervised visits because they say and do innapropriate things like "papa and gramma stole you and your mommy wants you home".

GD has thrived, had progresed in counseling but suffers from PTSD at 5 years old due to the abuse and neglect she endured.

Biomom recently moved back near us and had swore shes changed but has been out drinking numerous times already, missed the appointment with gd therapist because she was hung over and yesterdays supervised visist she missed because she never had the fee they charge. Wanted us to pay it and we wont. We are raising her daughter and dont feel its our responsability to pay for supervised visists. We got no monetary support from biomom.

As biomoms mother i am heartsick that essentially i had to choose my gd over her. Its been a big struggle for me. My husband is a wonderful man who came into our lives with my girls were 14 and 12 and he loves us all. But has watched biomoms drug abuse and abuse of gd and he can seperate the emotions from it all and focus on gd and our role as protectors. Its more complicated for me.........

Im blessed to have my husband. He loves that little girl with all his heart and we both have turned our lives upside down to take on this role.

Looking for support and discussion on all i mentioned:( Im a mental health therapist and addictions counselor.......but i sure dont have the answers...........help?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh Pam, I wish I could advise you and give you answers. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers either. I can relate to your feeling of choosing between your dd and your gd. But when you sit back and look at the big picture, it is really your dd's choice, and you are just doing what you have to do to keep this innocent child safe and loved.

We are all right there with you!
pamellalcpc
pamellalcpc
It helps to know im not alone......if feels like im alone and it helps to know others have been and are going through this:( thanks:)
SaraBT
SaraBT
Pam, welcome to the most wonderful support group on the Internet!

I'm a "step" grandparent, too, so I'm kind of like your husband in that I can separate my emotions from Pinky, his daughter and the "mother" of our three grandchildren. Pinky is a druggie as well, and after a period of about nine months clean and sober we think she's back on the pills again.

It does seem to be a horrific situation when you have to choose your grandchildren over your own children. But when you look at it logically, WE didn't choose one person over another --THEY chose THEMSELVES over everybody else. THEY are the ones who made the decision that "feeling good right this minute" was more important than family, health, friends and children.

Had they not done so, they would be raising their own children and we would be spoiling them rotten on weekends, then happily handing them back. I think -- no, I know -- that you are doing absolutely the right thing by refusing to pay for your daughter's responsibilities.

Stick around --this is a great place to ask questions and just whine sometimes :-)
deleted_user
deleted_user
I remember feeling the exact same way. Dss placed my gs with me on 4/11/11. I found this site shortly after. I don't offer a lot of advice on this site, but it helps me to read all the posts. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, but it really does help. Sometimes I even vent here as well, not necessarily for advice, but just to get my feelings out in a place where I won't be judged for my feelings and emotions. There are also a few "regulars" here that post frequently and do thier best to make everyone feel welcome. I can't believe my husband and I have made it through this last year and we never thought we would have to. But like I said, it is the choice of the bio's that we are playing this hand. We will be going to court the first week of May for custody. Both parents have signed gs over to us. Totally their choice! What idiots they are, huh?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Unfortunately, no answers from me either, just a welcome. I've had my two gc's for two years now, bio mom is also on/off drugs, think her biggest problem is she can't be without a man for more than 24 hrs, and all of them have been serious losers. I found this site about 4 months ago and it has been a godsend! Finally, people like me!

I completely sympathize with you about your dd, it's an awful feeling to realize that your own daughter is unable and unwilling to get her act together for the sake of her children. I've been hearing the promises for two years now, yet dd still has to meet at least one condition of the five the judge set for her to regain custody. I've had to realize that beating myself up for her actions is not getting me anywhere. Change has to come from within her.

And, echoing everyone else, it was the bio's choice to act the way they do, we just deal with the fallout. And like khinson1 said "What idiots they are."
deleted_user
deleted_user
Welcome to the group!!!

My 5 YO GD also has PTSD and an anxiety disorder due to the chaos, abuse and neglect she endured during the first 4 years of her life with her mom ( my daughter) and bio dad (DD ex husband). My Gd came to us in December of 2010 and I convinced both bios to sign over custody in December 2011.

My husband is also fed up with my daughter, understandably so. She continues to not take her medications (she is bipolar 2), has the worst taste in men and generally has never put either of her kids first in anything. She also just moved back near us after being over an hour away for a few months. He is quite willing to say whatever he feels to her and while I know that feeling she is still my daughter and I feel the pain you do.

Our stories are way too much alike. I have worked in various roles in the mental health and developmental disabilities field for over 24 years now. My daughter was 15 when my husband and I met, shall I go on?

I hate feeling like I have to protect my GD from the one person in all the world who should have her best interests at heart but what else can I do? This sweet child did not ask to be born to such an ill selfish mom and in no way deserves to live the rest of her life like she had to the first 4 years. I know my daughter NEVER learned any of these destructive behaviors from me so i have decided that most of it is genetic just like her illness. Her sperm donor was much the same when she was growing up.

Please feel free to share here or message me. It seems like we have much in common.
NannaKMS
NannaKMS
I agree that the bios did make the initial choice to use drugs but i don;'t believe that any of them wants to be a drug addict, they need to go to rehab and then learn to live a clean life, so either they will hit rock bottom and ask for help, go to jail and then get help, become very sick and get clean, or through some sort of intervention they will come to realize what needs to be done. Most drug addicts don't have the tools necessary to just suddenly quit using. It is very sad to watch ones child live this life. My daughter is in jail right now and is trying to get rehab as part of her sentencing and right now i am talking to her and i will continue to support her only if she continues to make the right decisions. It really breaks ones heart, i hope and pray that my beautiful daughter will return to us once again. Welcome Pam and best of luck my prayers are with you.
SaraBT
SaraBT
Nanna, you're correct that once they're addicted any choice is pretty much taken away. However, once they have successfully completed rehab and lived so many months clean and sober, I think it becomes a choice to pick up again. I could be wrong, but once their minds are clear it just seems as if they deliberately choose to use again.
SaraBT
SaraBT
Nanna, you're correct that once they're addicted any choice is pretty much taken away. However, once they have successfully completed rehab and lived so many months clean and sober, I think it becomes a choice to pick up again. I could be wrong, but once their minds are clear it just seems as if they deliberately choose to use again.
SaraBT
SaraBT
Nanna, you're correct that once they're addicted any choice is pretty much taken away. However, once they have successfully completed rehab and lived so many months clean and sober, I think it becomes a choice to pick up again. I could be wrong, but once their minds are clear it just seems as if they deliberately choose to use again.
pamellalcpc
pamellalcpc
OMG thank you so so much for all the posts. I have felt so alone for so long and the guilt consumes me. My daughters both witnessed DV and were abused themselves by their dad. I take accountability for my part in not getting out sooner. Once the marraige was over i worked hard to show my girls that an education and different path was possible. One chose a path that has never used a drug, been to jail, abused a child or chose men over all else. The other (gd mommy) took a hard path and we have been cleaning up her messes for years. The last straw occured last August and i sometimes have to go back and read the affidavid i wrote to remind myself why we did what we did. Watching gd thrive is the reward, watching my daughter continually self destruct is horrific. my husband is a saint. im not sure i could have standed it had his kids been the ones to pull all of this........we are blessed to have him. your words and comrodity help so much:) thank you! i live 20 miles from town so its impossible for me to get to the once a month grandparents meetings that are offered in this city. Once im home gramma and papa stay home and get gd fed, bathed etc. Being "parents" again was not in our plans. Never did anyone hear us say...gee id like to adopt a 5 year old. This is the hardest thing we have ever done..........im not saying we regret our decision, im just saying i find myself angry at her biomom for doing this to all of us and essentially robbing us of being empty nesters that enjoy fishing, putting around the yard etc. We went from that freedom to the responsibilities of parents literally within minutes. Wed not have it any other way.....we love love love her. Still it was not planned and sometimes i feel guilty that i even have those thoughts of how hard this is, because it is. thank you so much everyone:) i feel welcome and not so alone:)
deleted_user
deleted_user
Pam, after a year, I'm still pissed at my dd for what she has done. I still have the same feelings you do, even after a year! I have resolved myself to this life and I am committed to my gs, so I manage to put those feelings on the back burner. That's why this site is sooooo wonderful. Because we can say these things and everyone knows exactly how we feel. I have been robbed of being a grandparent, but I now have the wonderful privilage of being the parent of this wonderful young child.
NannaKMS
NannaKMS
I do agree Sara that once they are clean and have come out of treatment for a time, if they use again it is their chose. Its the same as the first time they used its their chose, i'm just saying that once they are stealing prostituting its not the life style they want to live they are in it to deep by then, and its so sad for us to watch. Pam i also feel resentment toward my daughter her ex and his family even that have just forgotten about my gs. We are they only ones he has we also love him to death but sometimes i wish i had time to myself and my house and furniture got a break from an active 3 year old. Still as long as our little bubba is safe, live is good. Have a great Easter.
daisydduck
daisydduck
My anger is towards the stepmom in our case. She was crazy and abusive. sil did nothing to protect his child, our gs. We were not in the system and paid dearly for legal process to get gs out of abusive home. He was left with PTSD and Attachment Disorder. I don't think he will ever fully trust anyone after what he was put through. We went through our daughter dying of brain cancer and experienced different issues than those of you w/dtrs w/drug problems. However, the bottom line is that the kids suffer. It is not fair to them. Our gs is now 22 and very protective of us. He has had his problems but he's a good kid and anyone who meets him, loves him. For awhile, he wanted to approach bio dad to "punch him in the nose" for what he did to him, but now he has let it go and just wants to get on with his life. Our bond is close and loving and considering everything I am forever thankful for that. As a therapist, you had the advantage of looking ahead to what could happen. We had to deal with teachers and sw who could only come up with the notion that we spoiled him when in fact, we were very structured with him. Had to deal with things a little differently at times, but we were flexible as long as the outcome was position. Glad you have found this online group, especially since you cannot make local meetings. I applaud you that it is very important to create that bedtime ritual for a five year old as that will give her the security she needs.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm the step gm too and understands how your husband can seperate his feelings from your daughter and the kids. I have no feelings for my stepdaughter and have banished her from my life. We have been going thru her drug issues for at least 10 yrs and when she started messing with my gkids and their well being (the last baby that is with loving fosterparents that want to adopt her, was born addicted to pain killers)
This was my last straw!!!
Since their is no visitation for the gs she doesn't see him and she sees the gd rarely and at a public place. I will not take her for visits, my husband does. I feel for him but he is where your at. He is tired of her making poor choices and distanced himself for the sake of the children. And we all feel robbed of our freedom. My bio children are on their own not married but living their own lives. I feel sometimes that I'm robbed from sharing in their lives because I have little children to take care of and can't just take off for trips with my daughter. I went through periods of anger and resentment with my husband as well as my stepdaughter. The anger has been easier to take lately. I don't think any of us on this board planned this for our lives, but it helps reading that other people are going thru almost the same things as you. Hang in there.