Oops *find some balance

Welcome, Jeannine!

I can't believe how close your situation is to ours.
My husband had just retired from being an over-the-road (regional) driver. He worked nights, I worked at home during the day. He came home most days, though.
Then he took a nice early retirement and I landed a cushy job in the city.
FINALLY, we planned to be able to have dinners together, go on vacation, etc.
One day a few months after his retirement and my new job, we got a call from his daughter "Pinky's" boyfriend. "Come and get the kids," he said, "She took off and I have to go to work."
We were about your age, and within an hour and a half we had three little kids to raise. We got custody without a squawk from any of the bios, and we've had the kids now for 10 years.
Our entire lives changed. That fast, my husband's retirement meant nothing, and our plans were gone.
We love our grandchildren, and through a LOT of hard work and sacrifice they're turning out wonderfully. In fact, the 16-year-old is going on her first date this evening. YIKES!
But be prepared. It's expensive, inconvenient and frustrating as much as it is rewarding.
Keep coming back here - we've all been there, done that and we can help you navigate all of the issues that nobody else will understand. :-)

And by the way, Pinky is now almost 40. homeless and hooking, and has been to at least five rehabs that we know of. Al-Anon was a lifesaver for me.

Thank you so much. In these times, it's easy to feel isolated and very misunderstood. We had already insured 6 years of 3 teen pregnancies, her moving in and out the house with the kids, helping her get back on her feet. I really thought we could finally have our own life.

Your life could be ours!

Same thing - Pinky lived with us, then with one kid, then two, then three. And she always went back to using. She only did two things in her entire life that made sense: Gave us custody (and eventually allowed us to adopt all three) and got her tubes tied after the third.

I can't even describe how hard life was in the beginning. Since I was working in the city, my husband had to diaper, dress and take the kids to their aunt's, who was kind enough to babysit them.

I'd come home from a long day at work (in my 50s, as well) and prepare dinner, clean up, and we'd both get them ready for bed.

My car didn't really fit three car seats - there was not even an inch to spare between them. Just getting them in and out of the back seat was a major project.

But it did get easier as they learned to wash and dress themselves.

Then our eldest started cutting and that required counseling - thank GOD she found the World's Best Counselor and is now an honor student. The other two are doing very well.

The key is CONSISTENCY. For that first six months to a year we held them to the most strict schedule. We didn't vary it for anything. Nothing. And to this day they go to bed at a reasonable hour, get up on time, etc. I credit that schedule with making everyone's lives so much easier.

We also didn't sugarcoat what was wrong with Pinky. From the earliest age, we said she was "sick." Then, when they were in kindergarten we introduced the drugs (DARE started then in our town). We have always been completely honest with them about their "mother" - age appropriately, of course.

And we continually brainwashed them that none of this was their fault. We used to ask them: "If your mom has a stomach ache, is that your fault?" Of course they would say "no," And we would say, "then her illness isn't your fault, either." I think they got the message very young. We also kept telling them that their "mother" loved them very much and would be raising them if she could, but she wasn't able to.

The most frustrating thing is accepting the fact that they still adore Pinky and can't wait to see her. She gets on my nerves something awful. But now that I believe she's in her last months or years, I have actually and finally found a well of compassion that I didn't think I had. She still gets on my nerves, but I don't think I hate her anymore. That's a major achievement for me! HAHA

If your daughter (and the bio-dads) will allow you to adopt, I strongly suggest it. I don't know if it would help if your husband is still working. But if we had adopted when my husband retired, we would have qualified to SS benefits that would have made all the difference.

At first the kids aren't too expensive. But once they start reaching around 10 years old the food, clothing and other expenses go through the roof! Our grocery bill is now at least $400/week, although I've figured out ways to reduce it. But it's never-ending. Birthday parties and gifts, entertainment, all that little stuff adds up.

Whew!

Wow looks like we are on the same path. I too believe in structure and routine for the kids. It makes things easier for me and helps them feel secure. Kids feel safe when they know what's going to happen next. They didn't have that with their mother. 2 of the dads have never been in their life and the 2 year Old's father lives out of town but stays in touch. Actually he has been my daughter's biggest enabler. So we are having to deal with him now. He wants to take the baby for a visit but feel we won't get him back. So we are struggling with that. I know how horrific addiction is, but I can't help feel that my daughter dropped all her responsibilities in my lap. I feel cheated out of being able to be the grandmother. I can't spoil them and send them home.

The first thing you should do is file for custody. Otherwise the bios could take the kids and keep them, and there might be little you can do.

Another thing is school! When we got our three they were the same ages as yours. We enrolled the two eldest in school. When the 6-year-old came home from first grade, her handwriting was so bad I thought she had regressed. I compared it to her kindergarten work, which was neat and accurate.
Then we found out that Pinky had been doing her homework for her!!!
That first-grade teacher will go down in history as the best ever. By Christmas, she had completely gotten our granddaughter caught up with first-grade work - and today she's an honor student.
But bottom line is that you need legal protection if you decide to raise your grandchildren. And odds are that you will have them from now on. I don't think I've heard of even one bio who got their act together enough to get their kids back. :-(

You are correct r that "normal" grandparents has been taken away from you. We adopted our grandson and became mom dad. The paternal grandparents were dysfunctional so we were given custody. Realizing he was also looking the special times with caring grandparents. As we took on the role of parenting again I realized how much he needed that special time. We indicated "grandparent days". They were not scheduled but when we saw pressure building up we called for a grandparent day. From the moment he woke up until he went to sleep that night we were grandma and grandpa. We went bowling, to a movie, or the mall where he was allowed to pick a toy. He's 25 now and we have a very close bond with him. We have the parental bond as well as grandparents love. You cannot parent the way you did with bio children because the children have emotional baggage that needs to be desolate with. Structure is very important but don't be afraid to give that unconditional love that only grandparents can. I wrote a book "Born into Love, the unconditional love of grandparents raising grandchildren". It's available on Amazon in paperback for $10.

Grandparent day is a great idea. I will certainly implement that. I am contacting an attorney next week and we are gonna get the ball rolling for custody. My daughter said she would not contest it. She knows she has done a lot of damage to the kids. Luckily I have been their constant in their life so they feel very comfortable and supported with me

I will get your book. I am looking for something to read on the subject. Thank you for the suggestions.