Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
Well I need to reach out for support for myself other wise I feel I will lose my sanity. LOL
I will try to be concise with the background --ok I tried forgive me lol
I am married woman in my early 40's and have 3 children and raising my gs. So 4 children.
I had my first child in my teens this is DD,26 the oldest & GS's bio mom.
I never married DD bio dad who was 7 yrs my senior at the time (what was I thinking) but he had a host of mental health issues and learning disabilities unbeknownst to me at the time.
DD herself has a host of medical issues since she was young ADHD &learning disabilities. Her psychiatrist at the time said be prepared for a major mood disorder possibly when she gets older as they do not like to diagnosis when they are young.
So being a single mom, working , going to school and living alone it was tough. I was trying so hard not to be a stereotype---and be a hero..now I know hero's need help too. Raising a child alone is difficult enough but one with special/high needs is overwhelming.
To sum it up I kept and still keep trying to make that light bulb go off for my DD.
I met her step dad when she was 3 yrs old. Kind and patient man. 5 years later we had our first child then our second. DD#2 & DS#1.
As DD#1 entered her teens it went down hill. We revisited stimulant medication to help her ADHD which only exacerbated the underlying mood disorder. At the time the fastest way to get help was with CFS. I tried everything to keep her home but with her temper and two children under 5 safety was an issue. Also my DH lost is job (another story in itself)
So FFWD to DD#1 when she was 16 and living out of the home. I get the phone call from her that she was pg. I brought her home and tried to finally get her diagnosed for bipolar at the Children's hospital. I was told flat out NO she was not and they would set us up with outpatient counselling and services. Had they referred DD#1 to an adult hospital with a teen program it may have been a different story. She had great prenatal care and never used drugs or alcohol.
She gave birth 4 weeks early to an 8lb GS but there was birth trauma and he was left being developmentally delayed, ADHD and learning disabilities.
DD#1 lived at home with us and tried to parent her newborn son but just turning 17 herself it was tough. We were helping but trying to get her to take lead. She spiralled into a severe post partum manic state and I had to have her taken in on a mental health warrant to the hospital on the advice of her psychiatrist. At the same time the judge awarded me temporary guardianship. I did not seek this but when issuing the mental health warrant the judge asked who was looking after GS.
Well in the end we have shared guardianship with me have the custodial rights. The judge wanted to keep her in his life.
She has taken all the right steps to move forward but now has more physical health problems and borderline personality disorder on top of the other diagnosis.
DD#1 is currently on a disability assistance. She has over the past 2 years attempted to bond with her son and become a stable adult figure in his life. She does not abuse any substances. I have always been supportive and encouraged her.
She moved back in with us last year in May after ending a 5 year relationship. I very much see the BPD (borderline personality disorder)in her she is very self involved and fails to see the consequences of her actions.
THE KICKER:
After being at home rent free, responsibility free-- all due to every other day she was not well bc of this disorder or that disorder and I just gave up bc I had bigger things to worry about---after 5 months she tells me that her male friend of 12 yrs she has been enjoying a "friends with benefits" relationship that she is PREGNANT with his child.
It has been no secret that she wanted another child with the ex so did this come as a total surprise ---no. She selfishly is out to prove that she can be a mother.
DD#1 is:
-very sick with liver issues- which has resulted in 75 lb weight loss in less than a year - nausea
-congestive pelvic syndrome
-torn solis (sp) muscle which she tells me causes severe pain
-mental health disorders
-NO money besides her disability assistance
-no car
-no furniture/household goods --she left them with the ex bc she did not want to look bad when she left.
-NO money
- she is prescribed medical marijuana to treat her nausea from her liver and pain from her solis injury.
She couldn't cope when she moved back with anything I asked. She is 26 yrs old.
The reaction from her siblings was "Mom and Dad are NOT raising this child." My 17 & 13 have more sense in their heads.
I had spoken with DD#1 about one day when she would have children preferably in her 30's with a partner who was financially stable.
I explained to her that she was going to need live in help bc she could not do the overnight feedings bc of her bipolar-- lack of sleep really messes with her moods and ability to cope--
So when I asked her how she was going to cope---my doctor's assured me they have plans in place- there will be help.
The baby's father-- well he has a son who is the same age as my/DD# 1 's son but that child lives with the ex gf. He has not seen him in 2 years. Not sure of his excuse.
He was raised by his Aunt bc his bio mom lost custody of his half siblings and him to CFS. His mom is not all there mentally at times she sounds so eerily like my DD#1.
DD#1 moved out a month later saying I kicked her out. I did not I was waiting until Jan 2016 for the two of them to come up with a plan meanwhile I expected her to get up at 6:30 am for 45 mins to help get GS off to the bus.
Well ...she ended up having Hyperemesis gravidarum ---yeahhh...only DD#1...she always the exception or the 1% who will have a side effect. Sorry but it never fails and unlike other mothers she cannot cope with the stress of it or anything for that matter.
So on that particular morning she was angry because I should have had respect enough to know she had a rough night and gotten him off myself.
I asked her what she was going to do when she was not well and this baby got up earlier from a nap than expected or did not sleep through the night? response from her: "well the doctors will have a home supports for me to allow me to get rest"
OMG ....what a train wreck and all the while I am thinking about the new grandchild...and how selfish it is.
My therapist reminded me that she is an adult according to the law and I need to stay out of it. I cannot right every wrong or catch her everytime....which is what I was doing.
Well she and the bf moved in together last month. I wrote a letter so they could get a 3 bdrm home subsidized so GS could visit.
I am holding back with not wanting to help with buying household stuff or baby items. I did that already. I am not enabling.
So far I am coping ok....but reality hit when someone said you know because you have custody of her son if things go south they want to keep siblings together you might get asked.
FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD PPL....really...that is not fair....how do I say no?
How do I stop myself from wanting to set her up with baby needs and/or household needs because I want her to be successful so I do not have to make a choice down the road?
She is in such a honeymoon phase with it all. The BF has no idea.
So all I do is encourage her to seek the resources for low income families. Keep up with her appts with the medical team. I suggested she hold a couple baby shower. She does not have many friends and I am not about to invite my family. Not adding any more stress to her bc driving to 2 appointments in one day every month is stressful to her...yeah.
I remind myself every time I want to buy something for her home or baby ... that do I need something? and perhaps buy it for myself first bc I am worth it. I put myself last all the time and that does not help anyone.
Of course I will buy some gifts but I am not enabling her.
I pray everyday this baby will be healthy in everyway...and delivered on time not early. Btw DD#1 is 6 months along and she is having a girl.
This is her monkeys and her circus....not mine.
Thank you, thank you for reading this. Hugs to you all....
I
I will try to be concise with the background --ok I tried forgive me lol
I am married woman in my early 40's and have 3 children and raising my gs. So 4 children.
I had my first child in my teens this is DD,26 the oldest & GS's bio mom.
I never married DD bio dad who was 7 yrs my senior at the time (what was I thinking) but he had a host of mental health issues and learning disabilities unbeknownst to me at the time.
DD herself has a host of medical issues since she was young ADHD &learning disabilities. Her psychiatrist at the time said be prepared for a major mood disorder possibly when she gets older as they do not like to diagnosis when they are young.
So being a single mom, working , going to school and living alone it was tough. I was trying so hard not to be a stereotype---and be a hero..now I know hero's need help too. Raising a child alone is difficult enough but one with special/high needs is overwhelming.
To sum it up I kept and still keep trying to make that light bulb go off for my DD.
I met her step dad when she was 3 yrs old. Kind and patient man. 5 years later we had our first child then our second. DD#2 & DS#1.
As DD#1 entered her teens it went down hill. We revisited stimulant medication to help her ADHD which only exacerbated the underlying mood disorder. At the time the fastest way to get help was with CFS. I tried everything to keep her home but with her temper and two children under 5 safety was an issue. Also my DH lost is job (another story in itself)
So FFWD to DD#1 when she was 16 and living out of the home. I get the phone call from her that she was pg. I brought her home and tried to finally get her diagnosed for bipolar at the Children's hospital. I was told flat out NO she was not and they would set us up with outpatient counselling and services. Had they referred DD#1 to an adult hospital with a teen program it may have been a different story. She had great prenatal care and never used drugs or alcohol.
She gave birth 4 weeks early to an 8lb GS but there was birth trauma and he was left being developmentally delayed, ADHD and learning disabilities.
DD#1 lived at home with us and tried to parent her newborn son but just turning 17 herself it was tough. We were helping but trying to get her to take lead. She spiralled into a severe post partum manic state and I had to have her taken in on a mental health warrant to the hospital on the advice of her psychiatrist. At the same time the judge awarded me temporary guardianship. I did not seek this but when issuing the mental health warrant the judge asked who was looking after GS.
Well in the end we have shared guardianship with me have the custodial rights. The judge wanted to keep her in his life.
She has taken all the right steps to move forward but now has more physical health problems and borderline personality disorder on top of the other diagnosis.
DD#1 is currently on a disability assistance. She has over the past 2 years attempted to bond with her son and become a stable adult figure in his life. She does not abuse any substances. I have always been supportive and encouraged her.
She moved back in with us last year in May after ending a 5 year relationship. I very much see the BPD (borderline personality disorder)in her she is very self involved and fails to see the consequences of her actions.
THE KICKER:
After being at home rent free, responsibility free-- all due to every other day she was not well bc of this disorder or that disorder and I just gave up bc I had bigger things to worry about---after 5 months she tells me that her male friend of 12 yrs she has been enjoying a "friends with benefits" relationship that she is PREGNANT with his child.
It has been no secret that she wanted another child with the ex so did this come as a total surprise ---no. She selfishly is out to prove that she can be a mother.
DD#1 is:
-very sick with liver issues- which has resulted in 75 lb weight loss in less than a year - nausea
-congestive pelvic syndrome
-torn solis (sp) muscle which she tells me causes severe pain
-mental health disorders
-NO money besides her disability assistance
-no car
-no furniture/household goods --she left them with the ex bc she did not want to look bad when she left.
-NO money
- she is prescribed medical marijuana to treat her nausea from her liver and pain from her solis injury.
She couldn't cope when she moved back with anything I asked. She is 26 yrs old.
The reaction from her siblings was "Mom and Dad are NOT raising this child." My 17 & 13 have more sense in their heads.
I had spoken with DD#1 about one day when she would have children preferably in her 30's with a partner who was financially stable.
I explained to her that she was going to need live in help bc she could not do the overnight feedings bc of her bipolar-- lack of sleep really messes with her moods and ability to cope--
So when I asked her how she was going to cope---my doctor's assured me they have plans in place- there will be help.
The baby's father-- well he has a son who is the same age as my/DD# 1 's son but that child lives with the ex gf. He has not seen him in 2 years. Not sure of his excuse.
He was raised by his Aunt bc his bio mom lost custody of his half siblings and him to CFS. His mom is not all there mentally at times she sounds so eerily like my DD#1.
DD#1 moved out a month later saying I kicked her out. I did not I was waiting until Jan 2016 for the two of them to come up with a plan meanwhile I expected her to get up at 6:30 am for 45 mins to help get GS off to the bus.
Well ...she ended up having Hyperemesis gravidarum ---yeahhh...only DD#1...she always the exception or the 1% who will have a side effect. Sorry but it never fails and unlike other mothers she cannot cope with the stress of it or anything for that matter.
So on that particular morning she was angry because I should have had respect enough to know she had a rough night and gotten him off myself.
I asked her what she was going to do when she was not well and this baby got up earlier from a nap than expected or did not sleep through the night? response from her: "well the doctors will have a home supports for me to allow me to get rest"
OMG ....what a train wreck and all the while I am thinking about the new grandchild...and how selfish it is.
My therapist reminded me that she is an adult according to the law and I need to stay out of it. I cannot right every wrong or catch her everytime....which is what I was doing.
Well she and the bf moved in together last month. I wrote a letter so they could get a 3 bdrm home subsidized so GS could visit.
I am holding back with not wanting to help with buying household stuff or baby items. I did that already. I am not enabling.
So far I am coping ok....but reality hit when someone said you know because you have custody of her son if things go south they want to keep siblings together you might get asked.
FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD PPL....really...that is not fair....how do I say no?
How do I stop myself from wanting to set her up with baby needs and/or household needs because I want her to be successful so I do not have to make a choice down the road?
She is in such a honeymoon phase with it all. The BF has no idea.
So all I do is encourage her to seek the resources for low income families. Keep up with her appts with the medical team. I suggested she hold a couple baby shower. She does not have many friends and I am not about to invite my family. Not adding any more stress to her bc driving to 2 appointments in one day every month is stressful to her...yeah.
I remind myself every time I want to buy something for her home or baby ... that do I need something? and perhaps buy it for myself first bc I am worth it. I put myself last all the time and that does not help anyone.
Of course I will buy some gifts but I am not enabling her.
I pray everyday this baby will be healthy in everyway...and delivered on time not early. Btw DD#1 is 6 months along and she is having a girl.
This is her monkeys and her circus....not mine.
Thank you, thank you for reading this. Hugs to you all....
I
When my dd got pregnant with another after I was raising her 2, I could not stomach buying baby anything, frankly until he was born. I love him, but I try not to get attached because I don't want to raise another. My others are currently 7 and 9.
Its hard to know what the difference is between enabling and doing whats normal or necessary. Ive had people say raising the gands just enables the bios. Well, it enables the grands to have a chance.
"normal" grandmothers buy baby clothes, sometimes furniture, carseats, travel systems, depending on resources. They show up and help with newborns. They buy what they want them to have and don't feel guilty or deprived.
When you're raising grands, you buy what they have to have, sacrificing yourself, and when you buy for others, you weigh against what your "kids" need.
Go with your gut, pray about it. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty. I know that's the hard part for me.
Thank you ...you hit it on the head. It also felt good to unburden myself in a group that is supportive & understanding.
Thanks